Cops bust Kim Kardashian's wedding, but let them eat butt plug cake. Jerry Seinfeld disses child fans. Kimberly Stewart births Benicio del Toro's baby. Chris Rock is a "divo." Monday gossip is black and white and read all over.

  • Since nothing else is happening in the world, you're going to get Kim Kardashian's wedstravaganza shoved down your throat all week. People paid a reported $1.5 million for the photos and will release them this week, so even if an Obama-Pope Benedict sex tape emerged, Kim's wedding would be a sidebar, at least.

    Amid reports of a $17.9 million Kardashian payday and an inappropriately (copy-cattingly?) dressed Lindsay Lohan doing shots, one sweet dollop of Schadenfreude: The wedding's "stuffy neighbors" called so many noise complaints, DJ Cassidy had to shut down the dancefloor early. "The neighbors didn't come over, but they called the police. Kim took the news OK and seemed relaxed about it, but her sister Khloe was pretty upset and making a bit of a scene." I wouldn't put it past the neighbors to just call out of spite. Between the desperate paparazzi (How creepy is the one unauthorized picture that got out? It's like the paparazzo shimmied through the plumbing, then used a telescoping spy lens while hiding in a toilet), shellack-haired celebrity tan-bots, and E! security, that neighborhood must have been a nightmare.

    Anyway, here's the first "official" footage of the wedding, featuring a diamond-draped Kim jostling her cleavage against an extra-tight-faced Bruce Jenner, who walked her down the aisle. Looks like the guests were required to wear black and white, and to display 10 square inches of cleavage each. The decor matches the trashy-tattoo-themed plates in Kim's wedding registry. [THR, P6, Us, Us, Radar, ceremony images via E! video]
  • But really, the only thing that matters about Kim Kardashian's wedding is that the cake was a six-foot-tall butt plug. It cost an estimated $20,000. They'd have saved so much money if they put medium-sized humans up their butts, instead. [Us, cake image via Bauer-Griffin]
  • Since I refuse to write more than two items about Kim's wedding, this gossip roundup is going to be a little sparse, since the tabloids are too busy contemplating Kim Kardashian's giant chocolate buttplug to write anything else. Kimberly Stewart managed to get the word out about her baby, though. It's a girl, and sperm donor Benicio del Toro was not present at the birth. Update: Benicio was there, after all. [Us< P6]
  • Jerry Seinfeld left a trio of little girls "dejected" when he refused to take a picture with them. Preschool fans of Bee Movie: Honey Just Got Funny are now rioting in the streets. [P6]
  • Katie Holmes is afraid of her own horror movie: "When I read this script, I was scared and I had to turn on all the lights in my house. I thought I heard noises. And I held my child really close." I was with her until she got to the part about Suri. That's just pandering. [NYDN]
  • Justin Combs, son of Puffy Daddy Diddily Poo Combs Fuck Yeah, has been offered football scholarships at UCLA, Illinois, Iowa, West Virginia, and Virginia. This will likely save him from a lifetime of multi-million-dollar toiling in the ghettos of New Rochelle. [P6]
  • On the set of What to Expect When You're Expecting, Chris Rock has a "diva" reputation, because he insists on keeping his makeup artist and hair stylist "within 10 feet of him" at all times. Oh please, Jennifer Lopez is on that set, he won't qualify as "diva" until he increases his styling team to several dozen, at least. [Gatecrasher]
  • Eminem made $3.3 million for two nights of rapping. What did you do with your weekend? [TMZ]