Ah, springtime in Cambridge! The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, and the Harvard seniors are wetting their beds on a nightly basis at the prospect of entering "the real world." (As opposed to the elaborate hologram that is life on campus. You thought you lost your virginity in college? Guess again! That wasn't reality, it was a lucid dream.)

Luckily, these frightened youths now have "The Harvardian's Guide to the Real World," a guest column for the Harvard Crimson by recent Harvard graduate and "William F. Buckley Fellow at the National Review Institute" Brian J. Bolduc. Hold my hand, ye timid lambs, we will read it together.

First—unlike in class—at work, requirements are mandatory. If you've got a job, you're expected to show up.

What?!

You have to clean the bathroom yourself.

Nuh-uh!

You'll start sticking to a schedule and maintaining a budget. You'll become more likely to vote Republican.

(Barfs into backpack.)

Or you'll become a lawyer.

(Summons janitor to clean barf out of backpack.)

Either way, it's a good experience, and you'll glean more practical knowledge than that contained by the entire Committee on Degrees in Folklore and Mythology.

And if it sucks, you can get a gig teaching college kids how to clean toilets. In case you're wondering, the secret is disposable toilet bowl scrubbers. Bad for the environment, great for poop avoidance. [Crimson via IvyGate, image from via Getty]