Today on Fox and Friends' Who's Ruining the Economy? segment, host Stuart Varney is up in arms, defending you, the American taxpayer, from free Viagra for Milwaukee public school teachers.

[There was a video here]

For if it is indeed 10 billion dollars going to fund these apparently vastly undersexed and poorly circulated teachers, then we might need to reconsider the arrangement of local government, if not what is in the water that has given—by modest calculations—every male teacher in Milwaukee Erectile Dysfunction. Yet there is the counter-argument that not all 10 billion would go to Milwaukee. Surely this comes as a great relief, but to argue that awarding the Milwaukee school districts no funding to keep working in tip top order would be laughable.

As Gretchen dutifully points out, these medications are very much intended for use by people past the age of procreation, but sometimes people need said medications for physical education or stress relief. But a more pressing cause for concern here is why Gretchen cannot talk about or stand the sight of people making out but have such excellent input during such a seminal discussion? What clues to her psyche lie buried within this very segment?

Despite Gretchen's hangups, the real issue remains at hand. Just as The-Dream wrote in his prolific "Purple Kisses," what should happen if the metaphor becomes all too real? What would happen if teachers issue complaints that their "gun on fire, it's about to be a stick-up. Mmmm, gettin' hit up"? At what point does the law get to turn this moral issue into a legal issue? Do teachers not deserve the same right to sexual release as their students and is it society's place to condone a melee—nay, a clusterf*^k—on school grounds? Where does Mr. Varney get off claiming these students do not deserve their safety?

Regardless of safety, there's still the issue of education to be dealt with. Surely you all remember when your gym and theater teacher was significantly devoid of—in both his words and the words of a rapper named Ludacris—his "lady on the street but a freak in the bed." He wasn't subtle about it and you all had to suffer for it. Grades dipped as swiftly as morale did all while he dared declare that the "beatings would continue until morale improved." Everyone saw through his trite pirate hyperbole but still looked forward to the day the man reclaimed his freak. To ejaculate ludicrous ideas like a celibate staff is the solution to the problems inherent in the modern American Educational System is flagrant and irresponsible if not blatantly incorrect.

And these red herrings—how was this the only erection joke the Friends made and did not address? Truly, the word choice could not have been more applicable, but the pun therein seems to imply that no member of the staff debating the throbbing issue could pose a solution. Had the body of cunning linguists actually been waving said symbolic red herrings around, then there could have been hope for the sound effect department, if not the city of Milwaukee itself. Perhaps the underlying cause was due to the fact that the Friends could not sword fight since—as finally revealed—Gretchen is not a man. The absence of Steve Doocy was felt greatly today as his input could have salvaged the conversation and lead it to a definite climax.

As per the recommendations at the segment's end, take to the Twitter, dear readers, and persuade Fox and Friends that they have erected a proper case either for or against rigid law. Don't stop there, taxpaying citizen. Be sure to notify your congressmen and congresswomen of the perils facing their children. Write long, write short, but for the love of all things matrimonial, write.

Actually, you should call: the vote is tomorrow and some of the taxes might fund an estrogen cream. Weird.