Nuts

The Way We Live Now: Unfulfilled. We can't enjoy our bonus check. We can't scam others. We're finally building casinos when nobody has the money to gamble. Worst of all, we may never know the taste of hot nuts again.

Are you as excited as everyone else to find out how large Lloyd Blankfein's bonus check is today?? God, my phone has not stopped ringing! My mom, the cousins out in Alabama...every homeless guy on the train could not keep the words "Lloyd Blankfein's well-deserved bonus" off their lips. It is the national craze of America, waiting to congratulate this man on his bonus, which will be appropriate no matter how many zeroes it may contain!

It can never be enough. America's greatest heroes can never be compensated fairly for their numerous services, to the nation. As unemployment rises and the stock market takes a sickening dive, we can take heart in the knowledge that—at the very least—Swiss bank secrecy is still largely intact.

And what about us, the normals? Don't worry about us. We are content to pay ever-increasing prices for shitty subway service and put our faith in that "Work at Home! Make Thousand$$$!" ad that we saw somewhere on a cat photo website. The thing that really keeps us going is our calm, settled belief in our democratically elected officials' ability to spend all their time figuring out how to run a casino. And if fancy steakhouses we could never afford want to run cheeky ad campaigns about accepting the decimated stock of financial companies in return for feeding rich cuts of meat to already-corpulent bankers, well, all the better.

The only thing that really gets to us: things have gotten so bad that there is but one nut roaster left in all of lower Manhattan. Look, we're used to getting screwed by the system. But without hot nuts in our mouth, life may well become unbearable.
[Pic: Flickr]