Risk! A short word that keeps the world exciting and dangerous and ultimately destroys us all. In these uncertain times, we pine for the totems of our simple past—like the risk of massive real estate bubbles.

“Bank tellers, the single largest occupation within [the retail banking] category, have a median hourly wage of $12.44.” A 2014 report found that “nearly one-third of tellers’ families” were enrolled in public assistance programs.

One thing that is too boring for anyone to pay attention to and also will potentially destroy your life is the rise of “forced arbitration” rules that make it extremely hard to sue corporations. But the tide may be turning.

You can now open an online savings account with Goldman Sachs for only $1. Goldman Sachs is for fucking poor people now. Disgusting.

Years after the 2008 financial crisis, America is still arguing over how to address Wall Street’s “too big to fail” problem. Here is another perspective, based on history: there is only one choice.

If you read the New York Times this weekend, you may have seen their Business section’s big, splashy profile of R. Martin Chavez, the chief information officer of Goldman Sachs. The headline: “A Gay, Latino Partner Tests Goldman’s Button-Down Culture.” I object.

From the 2008 recession all the way through to the current presidential campaign, reformers of all types have been advocating for a breakup of the world’s biggest banks. Why? And how? We have just the right author to explain.

The economy, both at home and abroad, needs stimulating. Governments have been trying to do this since the 2008 recession, without full success. Is it time to just... give everyone some money?

Goldman Sachs is a Very Sophisticated Wall Street Firm which is paid a good deal of money for its expertise in reading the financial markets. How is that going this year?

The AFL-CIO, one of America’s most powerful labor groups, is trying to make it harder for Wall Streeters to jump directly into government jobs. This is one of those “ideological litmus test” things we hear so much about!

The near-collapse of the global financial sector in 2008 was our periodic reminder that banks that are “too big to fail” are a threat to the public. Now, seven years later, some action is being taken.

People who are so poor that they’re selling their own blood plasma are being paid with prepaid debit cards that include exorbitant fees that go to big banks. That just seems like a very mean thing to do, frankly.

SunTrust Bank (market value: $21 billion) is currently laying off full-time IT workers and outsourcing their jobs overseas. The bank does require them, though, to stay on call for two years. For free.

ATM fees now are very, very, very expensive. Very expensive.

JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon, who was paid $20 million last year, acknowledged today that “income inequality has kind of gotten worse” in the past 20 years, but said that inequality is mitigated by the fact that “20 years ago... People didn’t have iPhones.”

JPMorgan Chase will reportedly pay at least $125 million to settle state and federal investigations into illegal debt collection methods. Compared to some of the other stuff they’ve done lately, that’s not bad! Give Jamie Dimon another raise.

If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.

Jamie Dimon, who has overseen both a large increase in the stock price of JPMorgan Chase and the bank’s transition into a criminal enterprise, is now officially a billionaire. We wish him all of the future success that he deserves.

Dick Fuld, the former Lehman Bros. CEO who has “no regrets” about helping to spark the biggest financial crisis of our generation, is selling off his 75-acre estate in Sun Valley, Idaho. We pray he makes enough to hang onto his three other homes.

Dick Fuld was the head of the investment bank Lehman Bros. in 2008 when the bank collapsed in the biggest bankruptcy in history, kicking off the worst part of the financial crisis. Who can say if Dick Fuld ever did anything “wrong?” Not Dick Fuld!