Joe Francis fought with Brody Jenner and his girlfriend. Kristen Stewart's naked, lacks confidence, blows Robert Pattinson...away. Jason Biggs + Monkey = Comedy. Lily Allen is scary, Jessie Spano needs advice, Oasis broke up. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

  • One of two things happened to Girls Gone Wild's sleaze impresario, Joe Francis, in an altercation with Brody Jenner and Jenner's girlfriend, the 2008 Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole. Either Joe Francis has moved on from merely exploiting women to now punching them in the back of the head, as Nicole and Jenner claim happened in a club in L.A. Or, to hear Francis' side, karma's beginning to strike back at him in the most literal sense of the term, as he tells it: apparently Jenner and his girlfriend came up to him and hit him reallyfuckinghard both in the cluurb and outside the cluurb. Jenner actually had to be tasered by guards—yes, Brody Jenner, tasered—to put him on ice. Either way, Brody Jenner and Joe Francis got into a fight at a club involving a woman and somehow the universe just didn't unhinge its jaws and swallow all of these people and then ask for some milk. You know what they say: if you give the Universe a cookie, etc. [Page Six]

  • In a Marlon Brando-esque fit of conniption, Kristen Stewart—who is now, let me remind our female, teenage readers, having sex with Robert Pattinson—almost quit acting after not being able to get cast in anything. Then, the celibacy tale known as Twilight came along and swept her off of her translucent feet and gave her a career that will enable her to retire in a few years from pursuits of money, men, and the secret desire to have people living vicariously through one. [Showbiz Spy]

  • In other news, Robert Pattinson was "blown away" by Kristen Stewart. In other news, somewhere, Stephen Hawking was, too. The universe is amaaaaaaaazing. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Rounding out our Kirsten Stewart trifecta of gossip today, she's gonna get nekkid for a new movie. With James Gandolfini. Playing a 16 year-old prostitute. [NYDN]

  • Mark Ronson and Sean Lennon once made "soggies" with Michael Jackson. For the record, "soggies" is not a euphemism for anything other than toilet paper balls soaked in water and thrown off the penthouse floor of a hotel with Jackson. But you certainly thought otherwise. [Page Six]

  • Rachel McAdams likes romance and is kind of a cheeseball, she admits. She thinks a romantic night is sitting at home and watching a movie. Tell 'em, girl. Seriously. In other news: Rachel McAdams. Perfectly likable celebrity. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Whitney Port—according to the picture the Post used, looks like a poodle, now?—went to a decent New York restaurant (not a great one) and ordered essentially what comes down to a crudité. Sorry, ladies, but you go to eat out in New York, you don't order a veggie platter. Bad form. At least order a dish, or something. Save the crunch veggies for, I don't know, the Super Bowl party. [Page Six]

  • Uh, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar while vacationing there. The monkey was like, get off my rock, Jason Biggs, and Jason was like, this monkey knows who I am! Also, who goes vacationing in Gibraltar? Is this a destination I wasn't aware of? I always thought you just drove by on a boat, took a picture of the rock, and left. [NYDN]

  • Do you complain about the perils of fame? Chris Martin of Coldplay would like to invite you to STFU. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Elizabeth Berkeley is writing a book! About advice for teens! And she wants your advice! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared. [Daily News]

  • Men are scared of Lily Allen, says Lily Allen. This is after she writes a song about how bad all of her guys are in bed. Honey, have you ever heard of the Floppy Woo? George Gurley would like to have a talk. [Showbiz Spy]

  • And we begin with an altercation just as we end with one. Oasis had a concert. At that concert, they announced they were canceling the show because of an "altercation." Truth be told, one of the two of those insufferable British goon brothers had enough of the other one, and they quit the band. More interesting is that Maura Johnston of Idolator got a good "Friday Night News Dump" joke out of this. Either way, they've done this nine times before, or something, but we can never be too sure. In tribute, please find the "Wonderwall" video below. Happy Saturday, Gossip Roundup. You're gonna be the one to save us. [Idolator and Showbiz Spy]