When Jason Biggs wrote that being a celebrity meant having constant anxiety about being recognized, he had no idea — high-end retail stores are testing technology that scans customers against a database of celebrity photos and alerts store clerks when there's a match.

Terabytes-worth of commentary have been written on the NSA surveillance scandal, all of which now eternally reside on a hard disk silently spinning in a nuke-proof supercooled datacenter Utah. But few writers have captured the unsettling sense of alienation that characterizes the modern surveillance state better than American Pie star Jason Biggs.

Jason Biggs' real life is actually sort of like his American Pie life. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting some Kabbalah Kounseling. And poor Cyclops can't win. Saturday gossip is looking for its daughter, who may or may not be with a goat.

After making fun of Heidi Montag on Twitter, which (shockingly) went over her head, Jason Biggs told Chelsea Handler that he is now helping Heidi write her romance novel. The two have been going back and forth writing 140-character "chapters."

Today on The View, we learned a lot about Jason Biggs: he's Joy Behar's "long-lost son," he's friends with The Situation, he's been married for three years—and there's a stripper pole in his house. Alright, then!

On a tour to promote their new sitcom Mad Love, the two stars appeared on The Talk today to talk about it. Bonus: a Roseanne reunion between Sara Gilbert and Sarah Chalke (whom the world knows as "Becky 2.")

TMZ caught Jason Biggs at the airport, and he mentioned (clearly sarcastically) that he'd been dabbling in some porno. The conversation went on to mention his big c*ck and the possibility of involving pie in his next sexual endeavor.

In Florida, the place where all good fights happen. Also today: Matt Damon is looking to buy a zoo, a werewolf movie finds its requisite priest, Jason Biggs is teaming up with a Gyllenhaal, and AMC has a new show.

Joe Francis fought with Brody Jenner and his girlfriend. Kristen Stewart's naked, lacks confidence, blows Robert Pattinson...away. Jason Biggs + Monkey = Comedy. Lily Allen is scary, Jessie Spano needs advice, Oasis broke up. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

Spotlight-seeking architect Daniel Libeskind turns 63 today. The one and only Yogi Berra is turning 84. Actor Gabriel Byrne is 59. Painter Frank Stella is turning 73. Skateboarding king Tony Hawk is 41. Former Clinton advisor (and now cable commentator) Paul Begala is turning 48. The man who heads up homeland security for the state, Michael Balboni, is 50. Literary agent Amy Berkower is turning 55. Stephen Baldwin is 43. Actor Jason Biggs is 31. Emilio Estevez is 47. Composer Burt Bacharach is turning 81. Actress Samantha Mathis is turning 39. And Kim Fields, who will forever be known as Tootie from the The Facts of Life, is celebrating her 40th.

With My Best Friend's Girl abysmal box office performance last weekend now behind us, we've been pondering the fallout of some of film's stars. Obviously Jason Biggs is always going to be known as the dude who stuck his peen in an apple pie. And Dane Cook's MySpace rants have gotten more views than all of his films put together. But Kate Hudson! We had so much hope for you, spawn of Goldie Hawn. Once a flaxen-haired hippie goddess with daisies laced in your hair, your gracefully slept your way to the top of the Stillwater groupies in Almost Famous. And you were almost more endearing than annoying in How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, which we must admit we occasionally watch on TBS when our plans fall through on a Friday night. We thought you might be on your way to becoming the queen of chick flicks, but now, you've taken it too far.How you suddenly went from a cute, perky blonde ingénue to a shrill, talentless flop is puzzling, but we have a feeling the downward spiral began when you took on the gem that was Fool's Gold, in which you reprised your stale dynamic with co-star Matthew McConaughey. Okay, so the film did decently, pulling in $70 million stateside. But it was the film that officially marked you as a romantic foil. You've made a habit out of banking on your hunky co-stars - even doubling up with the Wilson brothers by taking Owen in You, Me, and Dupree, and Luke in Alex and Emma. No longer are you the enticing, independent Penny Lane we once knew who wanted to establish her own identity as an actress. Instead, you seem more interested in raising your dating profile by serving as Lance Armstrong's last blonde-of-the-month. And we're not the only ones who are upset. Your poor career choices have also angered film blogger Jeffrey Wells, who has some harsh words for you:

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the premiere of the blockbuster rom-com My Best Friend’s Girl, Jason Biggs went the extra mile to ensure that the press photographed his preferred side. Biggs admitted that he may have been influenced by a recent episode of Entourage, but he’s always a bit sheepish about the right side of his face. Biggs said, “I think there’s a couple of crow’s feet on that side that the Photoshop wizards forgot to remove.” Biggs firmly planted himself in front of the poster until all of the invited guests had walked all the way down the red carpet and into the theater. [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

We've been telling you about The End of Ideas for a while now, but generally in the context where otherwise upstanding individuals knowingly attach their names to remakes, rehashes, reimaginings and revisions whose very existence could threaten even a VMA attendee's faith in a benevolent God. (His close neighbors are starting to have their doubts, anyway.) But to think that a Dane Cook movie that even he has found reason to second-guess could in fact be a poorly rendered rip-off of a straight-to-video David Boreanaz exercise from a decade ago? Really, now — that's just unholy. Judge for yourself after the jump as we bring you the special-needs trailer for Cook's forthcoming My Best Friend's Girl and its 2006 counterpart for the forgotten rom-com Mr. Fix It. As an added bonus, find a dormant IMDB comment thread parsing the films' respective plots: "What a rip-off! I predict this movie will never be released..." Alas.

Lionsgate is reportedly allocating a portion of its new credit line to therapists after Dane Cook, the co-star of the studio's forthcoming "edgy comedy with a dash of romance" My Best Friend's Girl, lashed out today at the poor souls responsible for the film's poster. As if their mission to sell a Dane Cook film wasn't challenging enough, the actor/comedian assailed everything from the designers' Photoshop skills to his own hair ("actually a close up shot of Tom Selleck's Magnum P.I. mustache," he notes) in a quest for cosmic poster justice. For reasons we'll explain after the jump, we think he's being a little hard on the artists. After all, isn't there a little bit "Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina" in all of us?

· "julian casablancas riding a bike in greenwich village1:30 pm near broadway & 8th street, looking very rough & not at all cute & wearing ....A STROKES T-SHIRT! was he wearing it 'ironically'? who careshe looked like a goober."
· "A patient Janine Garafalo being interviewed last Thursday by a high school student (or an NYU student; I can't tell any more) for ninety minutes at Java & Jazz Caf just above Union Square. Janine is very small and cute. I bet she hates it when people say that."
· (male) friend writes in, "sat next to jason biggs on the plane back from l.a. he didn't say very much; spent a lot of time reading the n.y. post. when we confused our water glasses he says, 'maybe we can tell them apart by the shade of lipstick.'"