Padma claims she's innocent, the Spellings are fighting again, Matt Damon's wife married better than you did, Drew Barrymore's sucking face again, Rihanna's gonna be in a movie, Jennifer Aniston's definitely not sucking face again.

  • There are two sides to every story. The witness's and the publicist's. After a Stalker whispered to us that Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef hostess and former Shalmiar to Salman Rushdie's Clown, had raged at a (fellow!) hostess at Schiller's Liquor Bar on Thursday night, her publicist told Page Six that it is untrue. "She had called in advance, and they were expecting her, and everyone was lovely. She loves Schiller's and their staff. It's totally untrue." [P6]
  • Estranged mother and daughter dynamic duo Candy and Tori Spelling are in a race to publish books that few people will read! Candy keeps pushing up her Stories from Candyland release date to compete with Tori's new book, VicTori Over Japan or some punny nonsense. We understand why Tors is doing this, she's broke now that her B&B went bust, but Candy has like four hundred trillion dollars, plus the still-beating heart of Jennie Garth in a small wooden box, given to her by a hunter. Why does she need book monies? To fuck over her daughter, that's why! [P6]
  • Matt Damon's wife, a Miami barmaid named Luciana who was heroically rescued from sticky night booze-swilling obscurity by the dashing Jason Bourne, received a T-shirt with the phrase "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" emblazoned across it, along with a note that said "You're actually the only person who can wear this." She doesn't know who sent it. But whatever. Bragger. [P6]
  • Are Drew Barrymore and her erstwhile flop-topped boyfriend Justin Long back together? Might be! They were caught rubbing their faces together on Thursday last, says a source named Brew Darrymore. [P6]
  • As feared, Olivia Palermo cannot be destroyed by fire. [P6]
  • Oh dear. Battered music star Rihanna might be starring in a "young and sexy" remake of the 1992 smash hit The Bodyguard. That animate pile of muscle and sinew that talks, Channing Tatum, is slated to costar. [NYDN]
  • Jessica Simpson continues to do the whole dumb-blonde routine, even though people long ago gave up the idea that it was a joke, and are now concerned that perhaps she's unwittingly wearing lead Daisy Dukes. Whatever the answer, she's still messing up songs at concerts that people presumably paid a lot to see. So. [Us]
  • Levi Johnston, the strapping young moose hunter who saw Russia, saw France, and saw himself inside Bristol Palin's underpants, explains that the couple broke up partly because he wasn't "mature" enough. The 19-year-old, clearly burdened by the sad separation but dedicated to his search for clarity and adulthood, proceeded to crush a beer can on his head, finished pipelining that chick who works at the Pipeline Club, hopped aboard his Ken's First Snowmobile Snow Machine, and headed off toward Anchorage, whooping loudly. He'll come back any day now, just you wait and see dear. [Us]
  • Oh lord. Perpetually lonely and miserable actress Jennifer Aniston is now claiming that she wasn't, in fact, dumped by John Mayer. As she ran down the street, in a tattered wedding gown, carrying a small boombox playing "Here Comes the Bride" on a cassette over and over again, she told passersby that it was her decision to end the year-long relationship. "It was! It was meee!!" she shrieked into the night. The next morning, she was escorted off the Johnson family's lawn in Thousand Oaks. As a policeman put her into the car, she looked up with big, watery eyes, and said "It was a lovely ceremony, wasn't it?" He nodded kindly, shut the door, and off they drove into the sun-dappled brand new day. [Showbiz Spy]