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We may not be the president of often smug, S&M footwear devotee Gwyneth Paltrow's fan club, but based on husband Chris Martin's recent cover story in Rolling Stone, we may consider joining based solely on her taste in men. The Coldplay front man, deemed "The Jesus Of Uncool" on the mag's cover, gives an interview that reveals that thoughts both homoerotic and apocalyptic (not to mention a severe case of Brad Pitt Penis Envy) are running through his brilliant but damaged head. Our favorite moments after the jump unmask Martin's incredibly forthright confessions regarding his assurance that Barack Obama will "fuck up" America for good, his lifelong love affair with "fantastic" boobs, and the apparent gay phase he went through while growing up. For example:

"[Martin] admits that he worried he was gay while growing up. ‘It was more like, 'Oh shit, what if? But then it struck me: who gives a shit? When you're a kid you think, 'I'm going to burn in hell for eternity if I like other guys or if I marry someone Jewish'. He eventually realized he was heterosexual. ‘I was swayed by boobs.'"

After revealing his ultimate conclusion that boobs were just more fantastic than any part of the male anatomy, Martin has the following to say about his love-hate relationship with Americans (shouldn't RS have reminded him that, ahem, his wife is from these parts despite her case of the Madonnas?): "It's a bummer, because over half of Americans are the coolest people on the planet. Of course, Barack Obama is human like the rest of us. He's going to fuck up." We'll forgive Martin for including Paltrow in the "cool" half, but his admitted insecurity issues dealing with the fact that he's dating Brad's ex are hard to swallow: "You've got to be hungry...If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you'd want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?...I've only been in one serious relationship...Is that weird? I don't think it's that weird." No Chris, we don't think it's that weird, but you know what is? Giving a flying fuck that Paltrow spent some hairstyle-matching years on Pitt's arm. Just because Pitt's sperm may be magically charged with robust twin-making soldiers as compared to your one-at-a-time guys, it shouldn't matter to you because, hey, you got the girl. Chill out, enjoy her hooker wardrobe phase, and write a song about it.