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Donald Trump has already responded to this morning's Page Six item (yup, he's fast, and, apparently, sorely in need of some busy-work around the office), in a letter addressed to Rosie O'Donnell and faxed to The View this morning. (AccessHollywood.com has the entire letter.) Scattered among its many hollow good wishes are the following claims:

· "Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) in order to apologize for your behavior. " · "To be exact, she said that 'working with her is like living in hell' and, more pointedly, 'Donald never get into the mud with pigs' and, 'don't worry, she won't be here for long," · After running into Walters at Le Cirque and asking how "Rosie was doing," she "sarcastically rolled her eyes and said 'Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.'"

Trump, who has barely slept, eaten, or violated Melania since submitting himself fully to his darkest anti-Rosie impulses, appears to be on a mission to destroy whatever chances might still exist for the two women to reconcile. Should this letter fail to hasten her premature departure from the series, however, the real estate tycoon has already outlined and budgeted the next phase—while details are being kept under wraps, the rumor is that it involves the backing of a major Broadway production, with previews of Barbara Told Me She Actually Hates Rosie: The Musical scheduled to begin at the Ethel Barrymore Theater some time in the summer of 2007.