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NICK DOUGLAS — Can't say where I got this or how many years I'm disinvited from the Google Holiday Ball, but check out this all-hands memo from the co-founder and co-president of Google.

From: Sergey Brin
To: all@google.com
Date: 2 January 2007
Subject: Our plans for the year: Burger King, the Sioux, and beyond

Dear Googlers, gayglers, nooglers, looglers, and siouxglers (more on that later),

Congratulations on a banner year! We've shared some real accomplishments (the New York office, verbage, crushing our enemies and seeing them driven before us) and some tough times (the retirement of Google Answers and the unfortunate incident of Glippy — who knew that when the Internet's greatest search engine achieved consciousness, it would be in the form of a giant annoying paperclip). We couldn't have done it without each and every one of you — and I don't mean that in the TIME YouTube sense of "you."

Which brings me to our plan for 2007. I'll brief you all later by vidcast, but here's the outline:

Acquisitions

  • All our up-and-coming competitors: Okay, so we admire Microsoft's "they can't beat you if they join you" strategy. So sue us! Oh wait, you can't, because we own you. Next!
  • The Great Sioux Nation: European explorers long ago admired the Sioux "intelligence, superior morals, stature and manner of living." So do we. Google will move the nation from its Minnesota reservation to our offices in Mountain View and Chelsea, New York. We welcome the new Siouxglers to share their cultural history, and for the first six months we will allow light to moderate hunting, gathering, and subsistence farming.
  • Stickam: Streaming video is a valuable extension of our capabilities, but mostly we just love the name. Stickam. Stickum. Stick 'um. Stick 'em, Danno. Chief Executive of Stickinem. Ahem.
  • Burger King: When we noticed that the fast food company's market cap is less than twice that of YouTube, we knew that we had to have it our way. We see this as two kings getting together. We'll be reopening in Japan as Burger King has planned. Burger King is confident about the synergy.
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Policy changes

  • Newer, freer cafeterias: Oh hell, forget what we said about healthy food in the self-serve cafes. Free BK burgers for all! But if you add cheese to your burger, please deposit 39 cents in the honor-system box.
  • Refitted 767 rebates: As with our earlier rebate system, where employees who buy a hybrid car get a $5000 reward, Googlers who buy a Boeing 767 and refit it will receive a $3 million credit, but only if they take it to Africa.

Okay Larry that's everything, you don't need to read on
 Okay, is he gone? Googlers, we have to talk. Larry Page, he can't be co-president any more. Dudes, he's encroaching on my decrees! Seriously, let's make him a "Duke of URL." A kick-ass duke! Or "leader formerly known as co-president," but — uh-oh, he's coming back.

Lots of love (and you know what to do about that last bit),
Sergey Brin, co-founder and only president (seriously make it happen)

This is an installation of Diggbait, a daily column by Nick Douglas, who also writes for Eat the Press. He likes robots, cocktails, and Indian Muffler Men. Burger photo by Stephan Mosel.