Often while we're reading Times boutique critic Alex Kuczynski we worry that something unfortunate might happen to her, depriving us of her genius. Who, we wonder, will fill her boots when she's gone? A quick check in with Harvard's Crimson reassured us that there's a new generation of Special K's out there, particularly one Rebecca M. Harrington, who takes issue with American Apparel. It's an amazing piece of work.

It starts off with an assertion of fearlessness and self-deprecatory confusion

"I know I'm going to piss off loads of people when I say this, but to me, as a store, American Apparel makes no sense. It just makes no sense. Maybe I'm stupid, but I just don't get the appeal. The worst part of this confusion is that I feel so alone. When I talk to my excellent Sigur R s-listening friends about what their favorite store is, they inevitably say American Apparel, and I am inevitably at a loss for words.

before providing personal detail that supports the writer's assertions

The first time I frequented the store was directly after it opened up at its new Harvard Square location. I was armed with a pack of Twizzlers and a friend who was incredibly excited about the grand opening partially, as she kept telling me, because it reminded her of clubbing in Ibiza. I sauntered in, using a Twizzler as a straw to lap up the dregs of my Diet Coke, and was immediately reduced to a heap on the ground, blinded by pulsating neon lights and the dulcet beeping of The Decemberists. As I screamed out in pain, yelling that all of my orifices might never be whole again, and that I was about to have a seizure, just like those Japanese kids who watch Pokemon, my friend pointed me towards a wad of neon spandex.

and then gently delivers you to the inevitable, satisfying conclusion.

People wear an unaccountably expensive piece of junk, produced by a company that has excellent labor practices yet also allows its female employees to give blowjobs to the CEO while he is in meetings? I guess the pornographic ads fooled me. See, when someone gets a hummer in a porno, the consumer reaps the benefits. American Apparel shoppers just get sperm all over their faces.

God, we love the Ivy League. Either Alex K should start adding "sperm in the face" kickers to her pieces or the Times should take a good look at this girl. Also whoever wrote the headline.

American Apparel: Not a Good Place to Shop [Harvard Crimson]