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A question that actually, really, truthfully appears on page 90 of the current Elle, the "Elle Fashion Insider: Know-It-All" advice page:

Dear Fashion Know-It-All,

I'm a hip-hop aficionado who lives in central Utah. I really want to get a grill but am concerned about how my Mormon boss will react. Is there grill etiquette I should be aware of?

Yours,
O.G. wannabe, Salt Lake City

After the jump, the no doubt white-and-suburban-bred Fashion Know-It-All replies, counseling removable metalwork and "saccharine" inscriptions that "spread a sense of neighborliness."

Dear O.G.,

Au courant bling tends to mean piles of supersize neck gear — think Flavor Flav and Usher — rather than a mouth full of graffiti. But you really want a grill, I suggest opting for something detachable. That way, once you've grown out of this phase, you won't have to go through life looking like the Bride of Dr. Morry Frankenstein, DDS. As for your grill should say, the United States Constitution defends your right to free speech even if all you have to do is smile to voice your opinion. However, politeness requires you avoid antagonizing people with incendiary agitprop. Sport saccharine phrases like "peace" and "get happy" that spread a sense of neighborliness. Using your grill as a nameplate would also be a safe bet. But since the initials O.G. auger a potentially political moniker (such as Outta Gas), try something more generic like Kathy or Suzy. Whatever you do, don't use your grill to suck up to your boss, like with "Bigamy rules!" To complete your look, be sure to check out any of this season's quirky mod sunglasses, like those at Miu Miu or Luelle Bartley. Their exaggerated shapes will perfectly complement the razzmatazz of your sparkling grin. Personally, when I desire a mouth full of metal this spring, I'm going to pick up my Marc Jacobs harmonica and blow out a backbeat worth Grandmaster Flash. As for yourself, though you dare to go against the fashion grain by embracing an out-of-date trend, think of your grill as an investment: With gold prices going through the roof, you can always melt yours and put a down payment on a house.