Life is an electrocardiogram in which indignities and downtime are rendered as valleys and peaks, respectively. These are the locations and conditions in which celebs found themselves this week:
Daughter-to-the-Stars Nicole Richie claims she was walking through LAX after arriving from NYC when she spotted a man snapping a photo of her while his little daughter lay on the floor crying.
Today was Big Decision Day at the Supreme Court, and though we'll have to wait until next week for the long-awaited healthcare decision, the justices threw us a bone by finding the Federal Communications Commission's indecency standards unconstitutionally vague [pdf]. Get ready for some hardcore broadcast teevee fuckin'!
Nicki Minaj curses out a maid, and the end result is a battery charge. Kim Kardashian says her newlywed life is "not ideal." Alexa Ray Joel opens up about HPV. Usher gets in a fight over a parking space. TGIFriday gossip.
Xtina used to call Kelly fat, and now Kelly is getting her revenge. Marc Anthony begs to get J.Lo back. Nicki Minaj has a nip slip. Kate Bosworth has turquoise hair. Nicole Richie makes fat jokes about Jessica Simpson. TGIFriday gossip.
Like a vulture circling a mound of rotting flesh, Lindsay Lohan is closing in on the role of Victoria Gotti in an upcoming mafia movie. To seal the deal, Lindsay and Victoria posed for pictures; the result was like one of those fairy tales where a damsel looks in the mirror and freaks out when she sees what she will look like when she is old. Not that Victoria is that old! Just that LiLo has a thing for snuggling up to human embodiments of her super-tan, uber-blonde future.
The golden couple of Disney breaks up on Vanessa's 22nd birthday. Katie Couric goes to a Bieber concert. Michael C. Hall divorces. Miley barters for her bong video with Macbooks. Tuesday gossip is always a trade-off.
Miley Cyrus stays calm in the wake of her bong-ripping scandal. Jennifer Grey has yet to recover from the pain of dancing with Bristol Palin. Kim Kardashian's new lover crosses a threshold: First photo op. Monday gossip soldiers on.
Miley Cyrus may get salvia banned. Michael Jackson's autopsy is not something we'd want to see. Michael Lohan gets botox but forgets child payments. Nicole Richie's getting married. Saturday gossip roundup can't move its face.
An unidentifiable, maybe-Miley naked picture circulates the internet. Eva and Tony reunite for lunch. Jessica Simpson proves she's not pregnant by doing shots. Jon Gosselin gets a job. Thursday gossip is old for its age.
Britney and Jamie Lynn give thanks for french fries. "Kim Kardashian is dead," but it's only a publicity stunt. Portia de Rossi walks all over Ricky Martin. Monday gossip is sick of leftover turkey.
Aguilera was a sexy cop for Halloween. Paris Hilton and Rachel Zoe were sexy Native Americans. Fearing his client's impending death, Charlie Sheen's manager makes a home visit. Portia de Rossi once weighed 82 lbs. Monday's gossip roundup needs candy.
The "coke" was coca-cola, the goal was a vending machine, and she failed. Christina Aguilera confirms splitting with her husband. Rachel Zoe is pregnant. Joan Collins ridicules ugly starlets. Wednesday gossip would sell its first child for a soda.
The world's most famous shrinking violet retreats to a secret lair of luxury. Hulk Hogan is rushed to the hospital. Police admit Paris Hilton was "treated differently" in jail. The stars of Tuesday gossip are not like you and me.
