Alongside your selfies and sunsets, beneath your puppy pics and above your cat closeups, there exists a world where the extraordinary and ordinary commingle. A world where princes are treated like paupers and paupers act like princes. A world where, if Beyoncé would just plsss scroll down, you'd be able to properly communicate to her how much you want to eat her pussy.

This world, Instagram user, is the comment section of celebrity Instagram posts.

Racy comments intended to capture the attention of over-sharing celebrities are not new; undoubtedly, in the dark days of yesteryear, people used quill pens to scrawl unseemly words on peanut shells to throw at drunk Clark Gable. Nor are they limited to Instagram. People also do it on Twitter.

But Instagram is a truly special forum for the deep and unslakable thirst of randos. For one thing, its comment section is more or less unnavigable. Comments are small, tightly packed, and unable to be singled out. You can't repost them without taking a screenshot. There is no "like" feature, there are no threads. There is only a sea of comments, a weird little ocean of nobodies grasping hungrily for the attention of someone who is, at least for the time being, a somebody.

This does't mean celebrity attention is never won. It does mean, however, that it is often deemed worthy of media attention when it is. Taylor Swift responded to someone on Instagram in September, for example. Drake responded to someone in August. Tyga, who we are 90 percent sure is a famous person, just responded to someone last week.

The comments singled out by the celebrity in these examples fall into a few main categories (long blog of text, backhanded compliment, and hate). Though the celebrity Instagram comment scene is relatively anarchic, there are recurring themes—a number of familiar little comment faces that show up again and again. After studying a handful of popular celebrity Instagram accounts, I've assembled those that appear most frequently.

Love:

Declarations of love make up a large percentage of what users post to their celebrity Instagram targets. When determining someone's motivation for posting comments that will almost certainly never be seen by the person they're intended to reach, this particular subset requires the least mental legwork. You love the celebrity, and you were reminded of that love by the photo he or she posted. This love boils over and its emoji-filled excess spills into a comment. Simple enough.

  • Beyoncé
  • Drake
  • Justin Bieber
  • Taylor Swift

Hate:

Hate, however, is an area of celebrity Instagram comments in which it is harder to discern motivation. Why waste your time not only following the Instagram account of a stranger you dislike, but also commenting on a photo that is of no interest to you, posted to that stranger's account? Especially when you're using an account linked to photos of your face? It doesn't make any sense. Life doesn't last forever, and neither do cell phone batteries.

Within the context of the Internet, though—well, you don't like them, right? So. Fuck them. Type at those motherfuckers until they die, which WILL HOPEFULLY BE SOON, so their piece of shit souls can return to hell where they were born, talentless. (Or, to quote Beyoncé follower styl_n_grace, "Burn babe burn disco infernal.")

  • Beyoncé
  • Justin Bieber
  • Cara Delevingne
  • Drake

Sex:

Well, this one is easy. How's a celeb gonna know you wanna fuck 'em unless you say something?

  • Justin Bieber
  • Nicki Minaj
  • Taylor Swift
  • Cara Delevingne
  • Kim Kardashian

Backhanded Compliments:

Perhaps a properly applied neg will attract the celebrity of your desire? Maybe it will lead them to check out the vacation pics on your profile and pls follow back, or whatever it is you want? A genuinely surprising amount of people seem to think that it will!

  • Taylor Swift
  • Justin Bieber
  • Drake
  • Beyoncé

Haha, LOL:

Haha, you're just playin'.

  • Justin Bieber
  • Taylor Swift
  • Beyoncé
  • Drake

Queen:

The comment "queen" shows up on pretty much every Instagram photo of pretty much any famous woman. Why? I don't know. Maybe because they're all queens? Jesus.

  • Beyoncé
  • Kim Kardashian
  • Nicki Minaj
  • Cara Delevingne

Long Blocks of Text:

You'll see long blocks of spam text on photos of most Instagram-popular celebrities ("FOLLOW ME IF YOU HAVE VALID CREDIT CARD NO SCHEMES JUST $$$$$ QUICK $$$$ FIRST 500 FOLLOWS ONLY $$$ WILL FOLLOW BACK WITH MONEY," etc.), but there's a certain type of celebrity—female, empowering—that attracts another kind of long block of text: the kind of long block of text that isn't spam. A long block of text that says, hey, I just really like you. Hi. Hi, hello! HELLO YOU'VE BEEN AN INSPIRATION, HI.

  • Beyoncé
  • Taylor Swift

Various Scams:

Speaking of scams, there are a lot of scams. Some, like those played for money, are obvious. Others, like those whose goals are seemingly only to obtain Instagram "likes," followers, or comments, are obvious only when you see them over and over again on every single celebrity Instagram photo you comb through for a blog post.

The most surprising thing about these scams is how often they seem to work. Some will say they look like the celebrity, luring celebrity Instagram followers to their oddly popular private Instagram profile. Some will, in a way that just breaks your heart if you think about it too much, ask anyone who sees their message to comment "rip" on a recent photo to "scare [their] friends."

"RIP," strangers will comment.

  • Beyoncé
  • Justin Bieber
  • Taylor Swift

Stuff About Birthdays:

Everybody likes to feel special on their birthday. Or on Beyoncé's birthday, if Beyoncé's birthday is the same as your sister's.

  • Cara Delevingne
  • Beyoncé
  • Drake
  • Justin Bieber

Drawings:

Comments meant to lead celebrities and those lurking celebrity Instagram comments to profiles in order to see a drawing of a certain celebrity are basically spam. The only thing keeping them out of the spam category is the fact that, uh, they all do actually draw the celebrities. I feel like that's enough to give them their own category? Everybody's trying. I hope you get all the Instagram likes you desire. :)

  • Beyoncé
  • Kim Kardashian
  • Cara Delevingne

Requests:

The most baffling comments left on the Instagram accounts of celebrities are those that genuinely seem to expect the celebrity to answer. You imagine that every comment-leaver has a glimmer of hope that, at the very least, the eyes of a celebrity will pass over their words, giving them a tiny shudder of recognition. But these guys are really going for it. Let me sing with you, man.

  • Justin Bieber
  • Beyoncé
  • Drake
  • Taylor Swift
  • Cara Delevingne

Boobs:

If there are boobs, you better believe a bunch of people are going to tell you that there are boobs.

  • Kim Kardashian
  • Beyoncé
  • Nicki Minaj

My Favorite One:

This one's just my fav.

  • Nicki Minaj

[Image by Jim Cooke]