The Democratic convention in Philly featured “celebrities” including Eva Longoria, Elizabeth Banks, and Lena Dunham. Why no Beyonce?

A human who has been molded into a tool used to distract the working class from its state of economic penury yesterday publicly flaunted a tangible symbol of grotesque inequality in a manner that demonstrated a complete lack of fear of looming class war.

Few endorsements are enough to convincingly, without a shred of a doubt, predict the candidate who will become the leader of this many-splendored country. But the country’s foremost pundit and ex-Funky Bunch member Donnie Wahlberg has spoken, and the race can, for all intents and purposes, end.

Thousands of famous and semi-famous people make money by posting photos of themselves with certain products on Instagram. Some people seem to make all their money this way—Lindsay Lohan, for example. Meanwhile, millions of other people also post photos of themselves on Instagram, often also near or with products, but get nothing in return. Instagram, its parent company Facebook, and Lindsay Lohan are all making money—why shouldn’t I get in on it too?

Jerry Hall, a former famous girlfriend and star of a hilarious reality show, is officially engaged to a slime-covered amphibian 25 years her senior.

If you thought teen millionaire Kylie Jenner voiced her unabashed support for the Black Lives Matter movement on Instagram today, you thought wrong, my friend. “Btw.. This is fake,” Kylie clarified on Twitter this afternoon. Also:

Vincent Margera, the uncle of Jackass star Bam Margera, died on Sunday morning at 59.

At a star-studded gala honoring Angelina Jolie last night, Robert DeNiro reportedly got angry at some tech guy for “condescending” to celebrities. Chill out Robert DeNiro.

International baby boy Justin Bieber has made his requests known.

Notorious playground bully Rupert Murdoch is reportedly dating Jerry Hall, the ex-girlfriend of Mick Jagger.

Lindsay Lohan, the triple threat actress-singer-clubgoer, is adding another talent to that list: politician.

Ariana Grande’s lips have been meandering all over the place lately.

It's a warm summer night and you're sitting outside La Locanda del Cantiere enjoying a nice Brunello when suddenly you see George and Amal Clooney step out onto their terrace to enjoy a lakeside aperitif. "Hullo George! Evening Amal," you call out, for you are nothing if not a friendly expat. Well sir, you just talked yourself into a $600 fine.

Pablo, a famous celebrity with whom you are by now surely familiar, was arrested this morning for allegedly running through New York's John F. Kennedy airport, shouting, "I'm Pablo, I will be famous!" Mission accomplished, Pablo.

L. Ron Hubbard began Scientology’s “Project Celebrity” in 1955, offering a list of 63 high-profile targets and a “small plaque” as a reward to anyone who successfully brought the likes of Bob Hope and Ernest Hemingway into the church. “There are many to whom America and the world listens...” Scientology’s blustery founder wrote in a newsletter announcing the plan. “It is obvious what would happen to Scientology if prime communicators benefitting from it would mention it now and then.” Sixty years later, was Project Celebrity a success?

Female celebrities are reportedly growing tired of the shallow inanity and vapid questions that come with walking the red carpet at awards shows. So boycott it, then.

Spot the difference!

This week marked the 27th birthday of Chelsea Manning, the U.S. military whistleblower who currently sits in prison for leaking material to Wikileaks. Here are some birthday wishes for her from people who have spent time in similar circumstances.

Thanks to an apparent quirk in People magazine's online content management system, American supermarkets' classiest tabloid accidentally published an obituary for Kirk Douglas last night on their homepage—and long enough for plenty of people to notice.

I really like Kim Kardashian. I usually have nothing but disdain for celebrities, or celebrities in training. There is not a thing less interesting, or useful in the world, than an "artist" of dubious talent who has risen to fleeting fame because of sex connections, family connections, or money connections. But I think Kim is great. Here's why: She asks nothing of her fans. She's not all like: Download my new .mp3! Or: Sit through my new three-hour movie about the end of earth and how we all have to eat corn now! She hawks no talent. She knows what her best asset is, and she plays it up. She has a truly remarkable butt, so she showed it naked on the cover of Paper. Why go through the trouble of being a "singer" or an "actress" when you can just be a butt? Kim knows.