The man who will, in the absolute best case scenario of his life, go down in history as America's second-most-famous Brad—Bradley Cooper—appears within and without the February issue of W magazine in the costume of a nearly naked French clown. Pasty and slick, straight out of the Comédie-Italienne of your nightmares, he stands in stately profile, bearing his nipples to the world.

But are they nipples?

They're so teeny, teeny tiny.

What did God (or Satan) accidentally give Bradley Cooper's instead of standard human nipples?

  • Two (2) pink chocolate chips?
  • Two (2) pink nails, hammered into this chest until their heads were flush with his skin?
  • Two (2) glass teddybear eyes, but pink?
  • Two (2) small salami?
  • Two (2) pink Smarties®?
  • Two (2) pink M&M's® (acquired from seasonal Easter pack)?
  • Two (2) dried berries of the Peruvian pepper tree?
  • Two (2) anthills viewed from an airplane?
  • Two (2) drops of red, red wine spilled on alabaster?
  • Two (2) pink evil eyes to spare him the turmoil of life?
  • Two (2) pink pushpins?
  • Two (2) two onomatopoetic *beep* *beep* sounds, rendered visually?

Or something else?

Or are they nipples and I'm going to feel embarrassed?

[Images by Tim Walker for W]