Yesterday, the Catholic Church released hordes of colorful balloons in St. Peter's Square, a gesture meant to symbolize the triumph of Satan's power over life on earth.

Traditionally, the church released doves on the last Sunday in January to celebrate peace. Last year, Satan, fed up with this blatant and ongoing assault on his sensibilities, sent black predator birds to ruthlessly slaughter the innocent doves as they floated above horrified onlookers. The Catholic church, duly chastened and put in its place, released only balloons this year, as if to bow their head before Lucifer and humbly say: "All power is yours. Our prayers are but fanciful toys in your mighty hands. No matter how much we may beseech our god to protect us from your wrath, we know in our heart of hearts that all that stands between us and ignoble death is your whim. Have mercy upon us, Lord of Darkness. We worship you above all."

Satan's next scheduled public appearance will be during the entirety of the Super Bowl halftime show.

[Photo: AP]