If Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann ran together in 2012, would their T-shirts be made of tiny poison-tipped knives? Tonight, Sean Hannity raised the specter of a Palin-Bachmann ticket. Palin liked the idea, and the crowd went wild!

Is this what we've become, people? An exceptionally twisted Ohio woman pretended she had won the lotto, went to a Burlington Coat Factory, offered to pay for everyone's purchases and bailed. The hopeful shoppers then proceeded to riot. [<a href="

Kids these days sure know how to keep us horrified. Just when we think the little bastards can't get any more psychotic, five middle school boys have been arrested for setting a 15-year old classmate alight. Why?

A record-setting dust storm swept across Sydney yesterday and obscured basically everything, including the famed Opera House, which can sorta be seen here. One visitor described the scene as "like a nuclear winter morning." The beginning of a dystopian day?

Once in a great while a mystery will come along and captivate the world. Who shot JFK? Who shot Mr. Burns? And now, who shot it to make Michael Jackson's youngest child, "Blanket?"

On the Late Show With David Letterman last night, Katie Couric told the story of how Michael Jackson asked her out on a date in 2000 (two years after her husband died), using Rabbi Shmuley Boteach as a go-between.

Today Oprah, noted fast food terrorist, took a short break from destroying America with diabolical chicken riots to welcome Dane Cook on her show, who promptly horrified the world with details of his sex life.

It's "funny/horrifying political photo funnies Friday" here at Gawker HQ! This is Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelwhatever wearing one of those popular "Snuggie" things.

Ha, the University of Chicago's newspaper dug up a 1982 column by NYT bobo David Brooks. It's about his nightmares. He had an intense fear of gargoyles, zombies, and totally weird wallpaper:

Are you one of those horrible thoughtless New Yorkers who no one can stand to be around and yet you believe everyone else is the problem? Are you a woman? And single and looking for some free meals? Craigslist to the rescue again! It seems that the poster is fed up with his sister's mega-douche boyfriend and is seeking a female version of the obnoxious bounder so that his beloved sis can see for herself what it's like to have a sibling swallowed up by the black hole of a shit relationship. "Candidates should be painful to be around, obnoxious, thoughtless and immature. She should use terms like, 'tragic,' 'as if' and various internet terms like 'omg,' 'lol,' 'jk,' etc." Click through for more qualifications and a bigger pic.

Yesterday we told you the nightmarish story of NBC's pooping intern. It was perhaps the perfect embodiment of a mortifying day at work. But we asked you, our employed readers, for your own stories of humiliation on the job, and you obliged. We've picked the five best (worst), which are printed in order of increasing terror. After the jump, read why you should never touch scissors at a library, make fun of hobos, joke about speed, pass out on a plane, or try to catch your boss' towel: 1. The Case Of The Clean Scissors [The following is an email sent out to employees at a library]:

Last week we floated an absolutely delicious rumor-the sort of inside media gossip that we hope to be known for when future generations are considering our legacy. Specifically, it was the story of the crazy pooping intern. A summer intern at one of the networks, we heard, went on an on-the-job pooping spree, but somehow stayed on and continued her internship through the rest of the summer. Tips have poured in, and it's become clear this is the story of your worst at-work nightmare come to life. Here's how one locked toilet at NBC caused a disaster: The intern was at NBC in New York, at the famous 30 Rock (NBC has not responded to our request for comment). Our tipsters diverge a tiny bit in their details, but all agree that this intern did exist, and she did have quite an accident. They say it all happened on the intern's first day on the job, in June. Apparently, she tried to make a run to the bathroom, but didn't quite get there. One account:

In 1999, BusinessWeek production manager Nicholas White went outside to smoke a cigarette and, upon returning, got stuck in an elevator. For 41 hours. The story of his ordeal is woven through Nick Paumgarten's new New Yorker feature about elevators, and is, predictably, the most interesting part. It's amazing how much 41 hours in a small metal box altered White's life forever, for the worse. And—oh yes—there is (sped-up) security camera footage of him the entire time. It's mesmerizing, because you can imagine him slowly going insane, which is exactly what's happening. Below, the video, and the article's summary of White's life since he was rescued. Let this be a cautionary tale to all of you who may find yourself similarly ensared in this most primal of New York office drone nightmares!

Good news for crazed narcissists who think the world should be able to reach them AT ALL TIMES because they're just that important: The MTA is set to announce a deal to wire all 277 subway stations over the next six years. Sadly, your cellphone will only work in the stations, but hey, at least that time you spend sweating on the platform waiting for a 6 train that never comes will now be scored to a soundtrack of, "So then I was all, 'Why won't you tell your friends we're dating?' and he was like, 'Let's not cheapen it with labels,' which kind of makes sense?" Even better, the terrorists will only be able to remote-detonate their bombs in the station, so you can kick back and relax while you're cruising through the tunnels at 3 miles per hour.

"I need help not blowing this exciting opportunity, please. i do not know how to amass the team of people I need to make the most of my fame potential. An upcoming event in my life is going to be splashed across the news nation and perhaps world wide.... I want a publicist and a manager who specializes in making a somebody out of nobody with something to offer—in terms of personal branding, think Lauren Conrad from 'The Hills' meets Ann Coulter meets Suze Orman." [Ask Mefi]