Nicolas Cage is reportedly broke. He's also the worst actor of his generation (according to us). The Weekend Update segment on tonight's SNL made fun of the latter with a near-perfect impersonation of the movie star by Andy Samberg.

Katie Couric turns 53 today. Nic Cage is turning 46. Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner is 64. CSI: Miami star David Caruso is turning 54. Professional golfer (and former Celebrity Apprentice contestant) Natalie Gulbis is 27. Singer Kenny Loggins is turning 62. And Dustin Diamond, the man who so memorably played Screech on the TV show Saved by the Bell, celebrates his 33rd birthday today.

Sienna and Jude's balls: Barbados-bound. Together they'll make domestic reconciliation layer cake. Lady Gagadong's moneyballs will drop on New Years. William Hurt is your new existential bicycle. Gene Simmons is still trying to rock. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Before our excitement about next year's Fey/Carell vehicle 'Date Night' even had time to incubate, we're hit with news that the NBC comedy darlings might co-star in another romcom. "30 Rock" + "The Office" = Yes, please.

What's your favorite ancient Norse saga? (And don't say Hervarar saga ok Heiðreks—everyone says that!) Well, make room in your heart for the new Mel Gibson-directed viking film starring Leonardo DiCaprio. It should be epic.

BigLips Lohan's claim of rescuing Indian children? Notsomuch. A Christmas tree at Hotel Griffou takes one for the team. Kardashians: God hates you. Halle Berry's still hot. And #servicey! Patti Smith: hotness. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

Today at Gawker.TV, awkward on-air silences our favorite TV News anchors, Tiger Woods on the Bob Hope Show, yet another bad Nic Cage movie trailer, an engagement proposal on The Biggest Loser, and how women should properly handle their firearms.

Is Nic Cage just toying with us? Is his life just one gigantic practical joke on the moviegoing public? The first official trailer for The Sorcerer's Apprentice simply reaffirms how awful he is.

• The most genetically blessed child in the world has arrived. Supermodel Gisele Bundchen and husband Tom Brady are the parents of a bouncing baby boy, although they haven't divulged his name yet. [People]
• He's been selling off his homes left and right to pay off the millions he owes in back taxes. Now Nic Cage is being sued by the mother of his 18-year-old son, Christina Fulton, who claims Cage subjected her to "mental, physical and emotional abuse," promised to pay off $250,000 in credit card debt, and reneged on a promise to give her the house she lives in. She's seeking $13 million, which is probably about $13 million more than Cage can afford. [TMZ, P6]
• Giuseppe Cipriani is back! The scandal-plagued restaurateur has been out of the country for the past year as he faces possible criminal charges. But he's working out a deal with the feds, which explains why he's back in NYC and was seen at both Harry Cipriani and Downtown Cipriani yesterday. [P6, NYDN]
• What's the latest with Tiger Woods? Glad you asked! His mother-in-law, who was rushed to the hospital after experiencing stomach pains, was released yesterday and is doing fine; a new report suggests Woods paid a porn star named Veronica Siwik-Daniels for sex "for years" when he was in Las Vegas; another outlet reports he gave one of his other mistresses, Jamie Jungers, thousands of dollars over the years and she used some of the cash to pay for liposuction; the Star reports that Elin Nordegren called Rachel Uchitel 90 minutes before Tiger's car crash, yelled "I know everything," hurled the phone at Tiger's face, and then "chased him around the house" smashing up the place; and Rachel Uchitel is finally speaking out and tells OK! that she's really upset that she's been portrayed as a "villain" up until now. [NYP, NYDN, Star, OK!]

Well, after a week of is-he-or-isn't-he, it looks like that, no, Chris Cuomo will not be taking over for Diane Sawyer on ABC's "Good Morning America". George Stephanopoulous is. And JuJu Chang will takeover for Cuomo, who is leaving. Whew.

Blending accent, appearance and mannerisms, actors transform into different characters like an oversized fleshy chameleon. When they fail at this task—their only task—we reserve the right to mock them. By compiling a video of their ineptitude.

Nicolas Cage is completely broke. One theory is that he spent money more frivolously than the people who paid to see Wicker Man in theaters. Our theory at Gawker.TV is that he is the worst actor ever. Here's proof.

• Another one of the 15 homes around the world that Nic Cage picked up in recent years has been turned over to a new owner. Cage has closed on the sale of his 48th-floor condo at the Olympic Tower, albeit for quite a bit less than he'd been hoping to get. The 3,550-square-foot apartment, which had been listed for $9.75 million when it went into contract last month, reportedly ended up selling for $7.5 million. [NYP]
• Fortress Investment Group co-founder—and former billionaire—Randal Nardone has dropped the price of his condo at 240 Riverside Boulevard for the second time since he put it on the market for $11.75 million in February. Nardone, who plunked down $22 million for a pad at 101 Warren Street last year, is now asking for $9.2 million for the place. [Cityfile, Corcoran]

• Down-and-out former pageant queen Carrie Prejean must be getting really desperate: She's turning to Donald Trump for career advice. Trump suggested she "become a major porn star," make tons of cash and then "give it to worthy causes." Clearly, it's this type of forward thinking that has made Trump the business titan he is. [P6]
• Nic Cage's lawyer now says the countersuit by the actor's former business manager—Samuel Levin claims he warned Cage about his "compulsive, self-destructive spending" years ago—is "ridiculous." As for Cage himself, he's in Somalia right now facing down evil pirates since he's under the impression that his life is one big action movie, but says he'll sort everything out once he gets back to the States. [P6]
• Lou Dobbs is taking a vacation now that he's no longer with CNN. Mexico is not on his travel itinerary, in case you were wondering. [NYP]
• Larry King's 10-year-old son is the luckiest boy in all of Los Angeles today: He's been signed to host his own cable TV show. Ain't nepotism grand? [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse's dad says his daughter's new breast implants are leaking, which is why she's been in the hospital recently. But presumably that's to be expected if you poke yourself with needles all day, no? [Sun]

• Nic Cage has been having some money troubles as of late and he recently sued his business manager for allegedly mishandling his finances. Now the manager is striking back. He's filed a countersuit against Cage and claims the actor is an out-of-control spender who, in just the last few years, has picked 15 different homes around the world, 22 cars (including 9 Rolls-Royces), four yachts, a jet, and a Caribbean island. Oh, and Cage also blew a fortune by constantly hosting "Gatsby-style parties at his residences." [WSJ]
• Paris Hilton's plan to remake her image and position herself as more "mature" isn't off to a very good start. The cops had to be called to her house in LA last night after she and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt had a nasty fight. [TMZ]
• Wannabe reality TV star Tinsley Mortimer and "wannabe socialite" Devorah Rose got into "a fight" the other night. Fortunately, two cameras were rolling the entire time, so you'll get to see it yourself in about 6 months. [P6]
• The co-owner of Table 8 at the Cooper Square Hotel is under suspicion for secretly giving his girlfriend a drug to force her to have an abortion and may soon be charged with killing the couple's unborn child. Grim. [NYDN]
• Charlie Gibson claims he has "tremendous respect" for his ABC colleague Diane Sawyer, but he supposedly "badmouths her openly and often" behind the scenes. An ABC spokeswoman called the claims "bullsh*t," while a less excitable Gibson said it was all "just silly." [P6]

• Did David Letterman's wife boot him out of the house because he "balked at telling her the complete truth about the female staffers he bedded"? That's what the National Enquirer has been claiming, although his spokesman says it isn't true. So maybe he's just still sleeping on the couch. [NYDN]
• Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital for the 143rd time. It was due to an "adverse reaction" she had to cold medicine. Naturally. [Mirror]
• A brawl at a club in Queens over the weekend led cops to shoot a man who once worked as a bodyguard for Jay-Z, Mariah Carey and Diddy. [NYP]
• Paris Hilton is "declaring war" on the Kardashian sisters because they're more famous than she is these days and they're earning more money, too. Paris has "hatched a plan" to return to her former perch as tabloid queen, however. It entails launching a new hair and beauty line and playing up her "more stable relationship with Doug Reinhardt." [P6]

• In what may be the weirdest celebrity extortion attempt ever, a German male model named Edis Kayalar has been arrested for trying to blackmail Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy" photo of the couple's then 7-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." Apparently, the pic had been taking by the girl's former babysitter during an innocent game of cops and robbers and she used to date Kayalar. [NYDN, People]
• All those phone calls that Michael Lohan recorded may ultimately land him in jail (again). A 2005 protective order obtained by Dina Lohan banned him from communicating with her by email or phone until 2011. [TMZ]
• Spend enough time on Twitter and you, too, may find yourself dating a beautiful young starlet! Emmy Rossum says her relationship with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz "began with a Tweet," believe it or not. [People]

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order barring Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, from distributing a sex tape starring his former wife/benefactor. The order is only in effect for a day and another hearing is scheduled for today, so J. Lo's sex-filled 1997 honeymoon may still see the light of day yet. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Malaysian party boy (and clubland savior) Jho Low celebrated his 28th birthday last week at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas with "bikini-clad party girls and surrounded by caged lions and tigers." Later, he partied with Paris Hilton, Usher, and Jamie Foxx, who reportedly "gifted the birthday boy" with a red sports car for some reason. Apparently, Low is often mistaken for photographer Chance Yeh, so make sure you don't get these two mixed up. A tip: Low is one buying 120 bottles of Cristal. [P6]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, the guy accused of trying to extort David Letterman, appears in court today and his lawyer is expected to ask the judge to dismiss some of the charges against him. How long he'll be able to afford a lawyer is unclear. He's raised $100,000 for his legal defense fund, but he was also suspended without pay by CBS recently, too. [NYP, MSNBC]
• Madonna wants to clear a few things up: Yes, she's going to Brazil, but no, it's not to meet Jesus Luz's mom. She's going "strictly for fundraising and humanitarian purposes," thank you very much. [P6]

Like the Tim Curry song says, anything can happen on Halloween. Paris Hilton can get choked, Real Housewives can bury the hatchet, Tinsley Mortimer can tape a reality show, Elton John can get sick. It's Monday morning's leftover gossip candy.

• In a new interview, embattled restaurateur Giuseppe Cipriani says he has no plans to return to NYC anytime soon since he's convinced he'll be arrested if he does. He's also convinced that his problems stem from going up against Roland Betts, the co-founder of Chelsea Piers and one of George Bush's oldest friends and who, Cipriani suggests, set out to destroy him. [P6, VF]
• He may have been mayor for eight years, but Rudy Giuliani was reportedly bounced from the prime Yankees seats next to the team's dugout for game one of the World Series because Michelle Obama was in town and the White House didn't want them sitting together. [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took their older kids trick-or-treating, and one child even appeared to be in a "store-bought costume." Hopefully, Angie will take the time to sit down at her sewing machine next year. [Us]
• Fame-obsessed father Jon Gosselin thinks he's simply "misunderstood." In a public forum last night with his new BF, fame-obsessed rabbi Schmuley Boteach, Gosselin announced, "I'm not a fame seeker." Then he announced he planned to "privately" apologize to his ex-wife and said that he and girlfriend Hailey Glassman haven't broken up, they're just on a break. [People, Us]