One way to spoil a national "health and happiness week" is to take away the one thing that makes people happy (before they become hungover and miserable): Alcohol.
You know when you're reading a book, and the book is kind of meh, and so you decide to roll a joint, but then you realize you ran out of rolling papers and forgot to buy a new pack, because you are a stoner? Sucks, right? Problem solved, thanks to the melted brain of America's favorite burnout, Snoop Dogg.
On Sunday, Bill Kristol, chronically incorrect steward of his daddy's magazine movement, dismissed liberals' and black activists' outraged response to the Trayvon Martin killing as "just demagoguery... mostly on the side of those who want to indict the whole society for this death." The following day, Rush Limbaugh said the response was "doing more harm to the black community than anything else." How blessed the black community must feel to have their best interests overseen by the living embodiment of everything wrong with white people.
A civil conversation about the new Nicki Minaj album, Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded, between a Nicki skeptic (Rich Juzwiak) and a Nicki stan (Emma Carmichael).
Everybody needs to calm down about Ryan Gosling saving me from a speeding car.
Today, Titanic 3D docks in theaters. Here's a supercut of almost 50 instances of Leonardo DiCaprio's (unfortunately?) immortal line, "I'm the king of the world," popping up throughout pop culture since the movie's original 1997 release. The phrase might be the most obnoxious thing you can say on a boat and otherwise. Sometimes the people making the reference note this. Sometimes, tragically, they do not.
Even when one or two stories dominate a national news cycle, there are still thousands more circulating beneath them. Most of these are local, which is great luck for local journalists, who can use them to fend off angry senior-citizen complaints that nobody's explained why Dahlia's Café—the one with the all-afternoon early bird!—was replaced with a "Chipottle."
There are multiple tornadoes on the ground in the Dallas area right now, and one has already caused significant damage after ripping through an entire tractor trailer parking lot. The video above, from CNN's broadcast, clearly shows a number of 18-wheelers being picked up hundreds of feet in the air.
Samantha Brick, the Daily Mail's troll of the moment, has published some 1,500 words about the advantages (free champagne, free train tickets, free bunches of flowers, more free champagne, free things in general) and perils (jealousy, bitches, bitches being jealous, jealous bitches in general) of being a beautiful woman.
The General Services Administration is undergoing a total administrative overhaul after throwing an $823,000 conference in Las Vegas in October 2010. The four-day affair included "a clown, a mind reader and a $31,208 reception," as well as countless pillaged minibars.
From the outskirts of Harrison, Ark., take Highway 7 North about seven miles. Take a right by the Conoco, down Zinc Road, past the green cow pastures and the farmhouses and four low-slung churches. After seven miles, the road appears to head straight into a wall of trees, before veering left and plunging down a long hill. Over the railroad tracks, where the paving gives way to a dusty, rock-strewn rutted path, bear left on Lead Hill Road. Your pace will slow. This is a road for pickup trucks, not a rented Ford Fusion. Pass a few scattered mobile homes with turkeys and geese wandering, and some poor cows stuck navigating a farm placed on a steep hill. Mostly, pass scraggly trees. At three points, a tiny creek cuts across the dirt road, and you'll have to gun it through a flowing puddle to move ahead. After a couple of miles of this, arrive at a steep, rocky driveway flanked by a gate and a lone American flag.
Weird, right? He looks so normal-eyed and harmless! But 65-year-old trucker Robert Ben Rhoades, currently serving a life sentence for the murder of a 14-year-old Illinois girl, is believed to have killed "an average of three women a month by the early 1990s."
Last weekend, America's subterranean war monster, Lord Kinbote Dick Cheney, received a new heart from a Virginia hospital. Apparently, he even got it legally, although we'll never know if the hospital in question first deferred him five times. The right got a new faintly Obamacare-related talking point, and the left—even as it worried about the invalidation of the most important health care reform in generations—well, it didn't really get it at all.
It's like how certain Disney movies have sexy things subtly sprinkled throughout the dialogue. Listen carefully. There it is, right at the ten second mark: nautically inspired semen.
We were forwarded this rejection email, apparently sent to more than 900 hopeful applicants in one bulk delivery, by a reader who shall remain anonymous. (The person is, after all, still looking for a job).
A medical marijuana delivery in West Covina, Calif., was foiled early this morning after two men dressed as ninjas and wielding martial arts batons approached a deliveryman and stole a bag of cash and product.
In Vogue's "Body Issue" this month, Manhattan socialite Dara-Lynn Weiss opened up about the difficult time she had restricting her daughter Bea's diet. It was very hard, Weiss explained, to "deride Bea for not refusing the inappropriate snack" after the 7-year-old's pediatrician had labeled her "clinically obese."
We're finally learning more about the details of Trayvon Martin's death, thanks to the Orlando Sentinel's extensive report today, in which 28-year-old George Zimmerman alleges that 17-year-old Martin "punched and pummeled" Zimmerman before he killed him. An ABC interview with Joe Oliver, Zimmerman's friend of six years, also attempts to reveal more about the man, who has gone into hiding since the Feb. 26 incident.
