The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday on an exciting New York City real estate offering: For $22 million, someone can buy a 20-unit apartment building in Brooklyn Heights to use as their very own single-family dwelling. Are you that person? That is to say, are you a monstrous asshole, who would like to make dozens of people’s lives worse for the sake of your personal luxury?

Curtis Sliwa, whose vigilante efforts to protect New Yorkers from threats real and perceived made him into a local celebrity, is focused on a new danger: Melinda Katz, his ex*, against whom he is considering running for Queens Borough President.

Last month, nine NYPD sergeants filed a federal lawsuit against New York City, claiming that last year’s lieutenant’s exam had been compromised by widespread cheating. A recent New York Daily News investigation found that cops may have been cheating on the exam for even longer.

William K. Rashbaum and Al Baker of The New York Times have a deep dive into the ongoing and increasingly complex federal investigation of two fundraisers associated with a non-profit called the Campaign for One New York, which supported the election of New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio in 2013. Investigators are apparently trying to figure out whether those fundraisers, a real estate executive named Jona Rechnitz and a consultant Jeremy Reichberg, obtained favorable treatment from de Blasio’s administration in exchange for monetary support of the Democrat’s campaign. The problem, though, is that....nobody seems to know what prompted the investigation in the first place:

Michele Bachmann, a mother-of-five in town from a flyover state, successfully operated a New York City subway turnstile this morning, and on her first try no less—much better than can be said of Hillary Clinton.

Typically, Elmos don’t come to Times Square to make friends. They do it to make money. A bill passed by the New York City counsel on Thursday could hurt Times Square performers’ chances of doing either. That includes some 300 topless women, the ticket vendors, and the costumed characters.

Hillary Clinton took the New York City subway this morning, to show that she is a woman of the people. She swiped her MetroCard once, and the turnstile didn’t turn. She swiped it again—nothing. A third time—no dice. The debacle leaves one question in the minds of New Yorkers across the five boroughs.

Generations of first-year psych students know ‘Winston Moseley’ as the man whose savage murder and rape of Kitty Genovese in 1964 was witnessed by dozens of neighbors rendered powerless by a phenomenon called “bystander effect.” That tale, as neat and compact as it is, is incomplete.

New York City Transit officials are planning to release inert gas and DNA particles into the subway system in order to study the effects of a terrorist bio-attack, the New York Post reports. This is a waste of time, because terrorists are much more likely to just kill us with guns.

On Wednesday, the New York Times reports, Brooklyn District Attorney Ken Thompson said that prosecutors would dismiss first-degree rape charges against the five teenagers who were accused of attacking an 18-year-old woman in Brooklyn early this year.

Are you scared of homeless people? Subway dancers? Anyone poor enough to take the subway at all? Do dreams of squeegee men washing windshields with their own public urination keep you up at night? It’s time you ratcheted those fears up—how does “disorder and chaos unlike anything we’ve seen or imagined” strike your fancy?

Letters between city and state officials concerning violence in New York City’s shelter system, provided to the New York Times, indicate that the simmering feud between Governor Andrew Cuomo and Mayor Bill de Blasio may have boiled over once again.

Chanel Austin, a 36-year-old transgender woman from the Bronx who was held at Rikers Island last spring after being arrested on grand larceny charges, plans to sue New York City for $3 million for transferring her out of the 30-bed transgender housing unit and into an all-male unit.

This afternoon, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio’s Twitter account posted the above photo of a sandwich at the recently reopened Carnegie Deli, along with the caption “America.” It got us wondering: Is de Blaz more of a Carnegie partisan or a Katz’s guy? The answer, his people told Gawker, is neither.

A large construction crane collapsed onto a street in Manhattan’s densely-populated TriBeCa neighborhood on Friday morning. According to the New York City Fire Department, one death and fifteen injuries have been reported so far. Several vehicles parked on Worth Street, onto which the crane fell, were crushed by the structure.

A proposal to drastically limit the size of New York City’s horse-and-carriage industry—an issue of bizarre significance to Bill de Blasio’s mayoral administration—will not be voted on by the City Council this Friday, the Wall Street Journal and New York Times are reporting.

In December 1950, Woody Guthrie signed his name to the lease of a new apartment in Brooklyn. Even now, over half a century later, that uninspiring document prompts a double-take.

To any reasonable observer, including and especially its own residents, New York City is a swirling vortex of greed, debauchery and sin. Over the past few days, Tea Party hero and Texas Senator Ted Cruz has correctly, if awkwardly and ham-fistedly, noted the hard reality of “New York values” in the course of criticizing his opponent (and perhaps the most famous New Yorker on the planet), Donald Trump. A spokesperson for a Cruz-supporting SuperPAC recently told reporters, “New York is home to many wonderful people and places, but the emphasis is more on money than morality, on self-aggrandizement than humility.” And during Thursday night’s GOP debate, Cruz added, “Everybody understands that the values in New York City are socially liberal and pro-abortion and pro-gay marriage. And focus on money and the media.”

New York City luxury building owners are not paying their employees what they’re supposed to be paying them. They might change their ways, if only the city gave them any indication at all that the rules are being enforced.