Last night, in front of thousands of people, Donald Trump stood on stage and called Ted Cruz a pussy. And while you are not supposed to say the word “pussy,” members of the media are especially not supposed to say the word “pussy.” So instead, they got creative.

After suffering yet another malfunction in New Hampshire last night, the slowly corroding motherboard that is Marco Rubio had a little visit from a few of his friends this morning.

RAYMOND, NEW HAMPSHIRE—“It’s horrible! It’s terrible!” shrieked the two men as they staggered through the crowded Tuckaway Tavern, waving a cross and a mirror. “He’s too close to power! It’s a curse from the devil!”

Whatever frantic hackathon Marco Rubio’s programmers conducted after Chris Christie demagnetized their creation on Saturday night seems only to have made the existing problems worse, as the junior senator from Florida stumbled through his stump speech on Monday. Maybe try turning it off and turning it back on again?

Recent Flint visitor Hillary Clinton really wants you to know that Hillary Clinton (who was recently in Flint) cares a lot about the fact that she was, quite recently, in Flint (Michigan). More specifically, she wants you to know that she was not off mugging it up for SNL like some other candidates we know.

PLYMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Inside of Donald Trump’s rally on Sunday in northern New Hampshire, the press stayed inside of a tiny prison, where they were safe. Surrounding them: haters.

Remember when the Republican debate moderators completely forgot about the existence of John Kasich on Saturday night? Well the Governor of Ohio will not be silenced—in fact, he’s gaining in the polls, and fast.

MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE--New Hampshire! Land of granite, and heroin, and many white people unironically enjoying Republican political events.

Now that Barbara Bush is on the campaign trail with her allegedly beloved son, a whole lot about Jeb Bush is finally starting to make sense. Because according to the duo’s most recent set of interviews, there is no one who makes Sad Jeb quite as sad as his very own mother.

Peggy Noonan—white of skin, fair of hair, pure of heart. An American, a care bear, in the state of New Hampshire, alert. Whot doth Peggy espy approaching nigh? Lo—it is those whose skin is brown. Question them, we shall.

As Jeb Bush heads back out onto the campaign trail to snag that fifth place spot he so rightfully deserves, he’s decided to call in a little backup. That’s right, Barbara Bush, mother of Jeb Bush, is joining her son in New Hampshire.

Jeb Bush, who once dreamed of a fifth-place victory in Iowa only to have even those grim goals crushed, seems to be lowering the bar yet again. Rather than imploring New Hampshire residents for their votes, Bush has set his sights on something far more reasonable—polite applause.

Chris Christie will not be returning home to New Jersey in time for the blizzard expected to hit the state this weekend and plans to govern instead from New Hampshire—after all, the man has a primary to lose.

Tyrant idolizer and drug lord pal Donald Trump has lots of influence these days, and he’s taken to wielding it with the delicacy of a flame thrower.

Kevin Dumont is the owner (for now) of Liquid Planet, a waterpark he founded in Candia, New Hampshire. Facing foreclosure, he recently decided to chain himself to the top of a slide tower. “I’m an out-of-the-box-thinking kind of guy,” Dumont told Gawker.

Owen Labrie, a now 20-year-old former student at the elite St. Paul’s School in New Hampshire, was sentenced today to one year in jail plus probation after being convicted in August of having sex with an underage student at the school.

The AP reports that two people died and 15 were injured on Monday after severe weather caused a circus tent to collapse in Lancaster, New Hampshire. Yesterday, storm winds caused a tent to collapse at a festival in suburban Chicago, killing one and injuring more than a dozen others.

Hillary Clinton supporters clash with protestors during the Democratic presidential candidate’s appearance at a Fourth of July parade in Gorham, New Hampshire.

A New Hampshire-bound Southwest Airlines flight was forced to return to the terminal Thursday at Chicago’s Midway Airport before takeoff to remove a woman “poking her seatmate with a pen to stop him from snoring.”