They came to Germany in search of better lives. But they left Germany in search of better food.

The World Health Organization has given vegetarians all of the ammo we need to win every argument from now on about nasty meat—which gives you cancer.

It’s no fun being locked in federal prison, but now prisoners can take heart in the fact that they will be served pork, even though they said they do not want to be served pork.

Tarnation! Have you tried to buy bacon lately? ("No, I'm a vegetarian," you say... I WISH. Yeah right). Damn! That pig meat is expensive as all get out these days!

When you ask Americans what they look for in a tasty piece of USDA-certified chicken, they say, "Less government inspection of this chicken before I eat it." Today, the government has heard your voice, America.

A new study says that producing beef causes far more environmental pollution and uses much more water and land than producing other kinds of meat. Damn! Better eat that chicken! Or better yet, a motherfucking eggplant!

Meat prices are at an all time high. Beef is expensive. Fish is expensive. Nasty swine meat is expensive. Wow, what are you going to eat this summer for protein??? Have no fear!

Americans, who value both rippling muscles and a staunch philosophy that science is the devil, will purchase and consume anything emblazoned with the word "PROTEIN." And it's not just us—the whole world is crazy about these amino acid compounds!

Good gracious! America's always enjoyed a tasty bird—and that hasn't changed a bit! In fact, Americans are gobbling down that chicken—now more than ever! Man alive!

If you, like many Americans, enjoy eating nasty meat, you will be pleased to read the following information about work in the factories that produce your packaged dead chicken parts.

Meat! Think it's just about dead animal flesh, hacked and ground and processed with ever less "natural" flavors and preservatives? Well, I guess you know everything, don't you? No you don't. There are still more secrets to be revealed, about America's obsession with nasty meat.

In the US, livestock eat four times more antibiotics than humans. Oh, how... healthy.

Spam: it's not just nasty meat in a can. It's a leading economic indicator! Hormel has been selling the ground-up pig concoction for more than 70 years, and it's acquired quite a status as a gross American icon. Plus, economists have noticed that people seem to buy more cheap, crappy food products as the economy gets worse, and Spam's increasing popularity provides a nice hook for Freakonomics-type stories tying the whole miserable economic picture into the meat-purchasing choices of you, the consumer. Good theory, but, as Ad Age points out, it has one major flaw: Spam is not even cheap.

PETA, the animal rights group skilled at making potential supporters forget about its cause because of all the nude women writhing around at the anti-fur PR stunts, is putting up a million-dollar prize for the first researcher who comes up with a good way to make meat in test tubes. Ahhhhhh! Throwupthrowupthrowup. Intellectually, it's clear that test tube-bred animal tissue would be a good way to allow people to have their precious Slim Jims without actually killing cows, and would presumably be chemically similar to normal meat. But really, just the thought of eating "test tube meat"—god, it's painful to even type it. Can't wait for the marketing machine to get started on the euphemisms for that product (suggestions?). After the jump, two clips that sum up my feelings on this issue: The classic "Soylent Green" ingredients scene, and Jim Gaffigan's "Hot Pockets" routine—"How about we fill a pop tart with nasty (test tube) meat? You cook it in a sleeve thing. Dunk it in the toilet."