Professional "pick-up artist" Mystery made the entire country feel slimy and gross with his VH1 show on how to pick up women by being disgusting. Now, of course, he's going to cash in on his infamy with absurdly-priced seminars across the country, hyped in the most douchey way conceivable. One email recipient said Mystery and his cohorts Matador and Lovedrop are asking for "thousands of dollars" to "expose you to highly sensitive information" on how to date the "hottest... girls on the planet." They've even set up a website with some kind of satellite imagery, no doubt intended to illustrated a building storm of douches soon to be unleashed on an unsuspecting world, plus a countdown timer for their "World Tour" of three continents, five countries and, supposedly, eight cities. The best part is still their email, excerpted after the jump.

"For my black nails I prefer Magic Polish. For the eyes I like MAC. For the lipstick on my cheek—womans preference." Claire Zulkey talks to megadouche pick-up artist "Mystery." [Zulkey]

Last night was the concluding episode of the VH1 douchebag-training documentary "America's Next Top Douche," and, after an intensive course in douchery, pick up artist "Mystery" selected a new douche to join him and his wingmen as they travel across the country performing random acts of gentle doucheness. Here's the climactic moment, when one of the two finalists is transformed from simple douche-aspirant to full-fledged Douche. (We won't say who, but the clip does reveal it; also, you can see his demo reel here.) It's stirring and touching. And, thank God, over.

Last night megadouche pick up artist "Mystery" was a guest on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," where we learned that some of his most interesting lines come from the inside of a Snapple bottlecap. We also learned that we can barely stand to look at his ridiculous face anymore. One more episode of that show and we're DONE, please God. It's going to be so hard!

On last night's episode of "Who Wants To Be A Douche?" the remaining members of pick up artist Mystery's Douche Candidate School faced their toughest challenge yet: They had to bag a stripper. (If you can bag a stripper, apparently, you can bag anyone.) In this scene, contestant Brady manages to convince a comely lass to accompany him to a waiting limo. But will he pull the trigger? There's only one more episode of "The Pick Up Artist" left and, frankly, we're kind of relieved.

Last night's episode of "Douche Hatchery" was the most exciting one so far! Mystery instructed his charges in the ways of pick up artistry as usual, but conflict ensued - conflict that almost tore the fragile band of contestants apart. In this clip, Mystery provides a - okay, look, we're going to be honest with you here: The stupid TiVo machine didn't tape "The Pick Up Artist" last night. AGAIN. So we had to improvise. Still, we guarantee you, this is pretty much what happened.

With Yom Kippur around the corner, it's that time of year where we admit sins, beg forgiveness and stand by mailboxes waiting in vain for apology letters that don't arrive from high school classmates who cruelly mocked certain other high school classmates who at the time had clear braces, a nose, a face oil problem and only five shirts but who now have a nose job, are exceedingly wealthy and have the oil problem under control through the use of astringent. So in the spirit of candor, I admit that when we received a Gawker Stalker email (I'm one of the hardworking behind-the-scenes Stalkettes who handles such things) revealing that Mystery from The Pickup Artist was filming at Prohibition on fun on the Upper West Side, my instinct was to race uptown and shamelessly throw myself at him. Because I AM IN LOVE WITH MYSTERY and I don't care who knows it.

This week on "Extreme Makeover: Douche Edition," pick up artist "Mystery" instills a little confidence to help his little doucherflies emerge from their cocoons. Guess what? From now on, they are ALL TENS. No one has a higher value than they do. Even the fat one.

In last night's episode of VH1's "Academy of Douchery,"pick up artist" "Mystery" instructed his douchelettes in the art of "kiss tactics." Demonstrating on his almost certainly gay wingman "J. Dog," our Venusian master sets the stage for a challenge in which his charges must kiss a girl—with her permission even! Pay attention, you might learn something. About being a douche.

This week's episode of "Douche Factory" finally delivered the goods: After an embarrassing segment in which the apprentice pick-up douches competed to see who could best tell a story to a roomful of little girls—both creepy and sexist, nice work, VH1!—seduction ringleader "Mystery" instructed his charges in the art of "the neg." There's a lot of science involved—particularly concerning those "DHV spikes"—so you might want to take notes.

For whatever reason, we are unable to stop watching VH1's new pickup artist instructional program L'ecole Des Douches. Here's a particularly poignant clip from last night's episode, where douche-aspirant "Spoon" attempts to walk into a club and pester some women who would rather not be bothered. Spoon's fear overcomes him, and he returns to the warm embrace of Mystery and the Wingmen, who reassure their timid charge. They feel him. Maybe this kid might learn to be a full-fledged douche after all!

After reading yesterday's interview with megadouche seduction instructor, uh, "Mystery," we had to tune into VH1's "The Pick Up Artist," his new reality show. And you know what? It was kind of gripping, in that "I can't believe I'm not changing the channel" way. Here's "Mystery" explaining to his well-meaning charges how their life of quivering geekdom is over.