Songwriter Mark Eitzel, former frontman of American Music Club and inveterate chronicler of national despair, has a new (and probably really sad and great!) record coming out next month. So his money-mad label, Merge Records, is trotting him out to consult with various "image experts" to "sell" him to the "kids" on the "street." Here he is (in a GAWKER WORLD EXCLUSIVE) getting advice from Nadya Ginsburg, a comedian and writer for Joan Rivers' Fashion Police. Upshot: "That's not gonna play at Starbucks."

The Village Voice's new set of rules for defining what makes a one-hit wonder is brilliant and essential. Carly: maybe.

Spin's breakdown of Animal Collective's 127 biggest influences is amazing. Could this format overtake the oral history?

Forbes has named the brolic and dormant Dr. Dre this year's Hip-Hop Cash King, the result of him taking in $110 million almost entirely from the immense success of his Beats By Dre headphones. Dre, Forbes explains, "collected $100 million pretax when handset maker HTC paid $300 million for a 51% stake in the company last year."

Jay-Z's "99 Problems" has been refashioned as rap-rock so many times (via Danger Mouse and Linkin Park and there's also this alt-country cover that that irritating, self-consciously cheeky and ironically white sensibility that these things usually do). It makes sense — Rick Rubin's original production was riff-based and tougher than Tougher Than Leather. So why not join Pearl Jam onstage on Sunday at Philadelphia's Made in America concert for yet another go? One Judgment Night isn't enough for this guy.

EXT. BEN FRANKLIN PARKWAY IN PHILADELPHIA, PA., INSIDE THE MADE IN AMERICA MUSIC FESTIVAL CURATED BY SEAN "JAY-Z" CARTER — 9:00 p.m.

A ridiculous person named Vincent Peters sued Kanye West in 2010, alleging West had stolen a song Peters had sent the rapper in 2006. The overlap in question came in the chorus of Kanye West's "Stronger," which starts, "N-n-now that that don't kill me / Can only make me stronger."

Yet another of the "new" offerings from the upcoming Bad 25 box set has leaked: a remix of "Speed Demon," best known for its video (really, an excerpt from Moonwalker), in which Michael Jackson dances alongside a clay rabbit that is also himself. Or something.

This week's New Yorker contains a profile of Scooter Braun, 31-year-old manager of the Wanted, Carly Rae Jepsen and, most importantly, Justin Bieber ("For a reason that Braun can't explain, most of his acts are from the British Commonwealth," writes Lizzie Widdicombe).

The Internet breakout hit from the 27-year-old English singer-songwriter Jessie Ware, "Wildest Moments," abounds with drums that are almost identical in pattern and timbre to those of Enigma's "Return to Innocence." That 1994 smash is remembered for its aboriginal Taiwanese chant refrain, if it is remembered at all. The German cloak/sex/incantation-loving pseudo-dance act is about as relevant as the Druids it invoked. Enigma are the epitome of early '90s dance cheese. Jessie Ware, meanwhile, has released one of the buzziest debuts of the year, Devotion. Pitchfork gave it an 8.5. The BBC called her "superb." NPR has raved about her single "110%." She's been popping up on many a rock-crit/tastemaker Tumblr for months now. Jessie Ware is the cool artist of the day.

He's the Reading Ranbow theme with interjections from DMX. The conceit is the punchline.

The just-released video for Nicki Minaj's Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded highlight is literally brilliant, with a neon color scheme and skewed sense of geometry that recalls Beetlejuice. The self-conscious oddness against this cartoon-goth backdrop is reminiscent of Missy Elliott's "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)." For the raw eye candy alone, this is probably my favorite video of the year — the insane amount of visual wit (courtesy of director Colin Tilley) is a good match for Nicki's tightly packed bars. "I'm a brand, bitch, I'm a brand," Nicki bellows in this latest round of brag-rap. If that is true, it's a wildly inconsistent brand, but her lows (see: virtually every one of her pop/house songs) make the highs that much more eye-popping.

"I Gotsta Get Paid," the new single from ZZ Top's first album after a decade-long hiatus, may sound familiar to fans of 1990s Houston crack rap. That's because it's a cover of Texas rapper DJ DMD's much beloved "25 Lighters," an ode the practice of gutting Bic lighters to hide crack cocaine in them. ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons said that he became interested in redoing the track ever since DJ DMD recorded it in a studio Gibbons owned:

In a newly leaked demo, Christina Aguilera informs you that she wants to "fuck your body." Now you know.

Today, influential music-crit site Pitchfork really italicized its "influential" modifier by releasing the results of its Pitchfork People's List, a Converse-sponsored "readers' poll" of the best albums from the first 15 years of the site's existence (1996-2011). There were—to invoke the words Radiohead, which had three albums place in the Top 10—no surprises.

Lauryn Hill turned down an Oprah interview. She might be crazier than previously believed.

I know how excited you must have been when you heard Octomom was embarking on a pop music career, but I want you to lower your expectations a bit — her first single is a little less than inspiring.

Big Boi suggests that he may collaborate with Kate Bush. Wow uh wow uh wow uh wow. Unbelievable!

He's not just a birther — Megadeth's Dave Mustaine is also a conspiracy theorist. And oh yeah, an irresponsible dick. At his band's August 7 show in Singapore, here's what he said:

If Feist's last album, 2011's Metals, were more like this spacey remix, I would have made it through the whole thing.