Back on Thursday, MPAA head Dan Glickman attempted to mollify an increasingly militant anti-tobacco lobby by introducing a complicated algorithm for adjusting the ratings for films in which the filthy, "increasingly...unacceptable behavior" of smoking is prominently depicted, which takes into account such factors as pervasiveness, historical context, and how many sexual partners a protagonist accumulates directly from the image-boost an omnipresent Marlboro affords him.

As his first major order of business since the passing of his larger-than-life predecessor, current MPAA honcho Dan Glickman has announced that the federal ratings board will take the unprecedented measure of factoring in on-screen cigarette smoking into their ratings decisions. But rather than risking penalizing a worthy, smoke-filled-room movie like Good Night and Good Luck with a rating of "LC-17: Parents Strongly Cautioned Some Material May Indirectly Lead to Lung Cancer," the board has established several mitigating circumstances:

NICK DOUGLAS — Wasn't it sci-fi author William Gibson who said "The future is here, it's just unevenly distributed among pithy sci-fi authors"? The future is indeed inevitable, but before it brings us a 24/7 carnival of worldwide post-scarcity, cyborg bodies, and Starbucks on Mars, it must fight enemies like the following five: Baby Boomers, the movie industry and music industries, cell providers, the government, and Web 2.0.

· After shattering a number of box office records in Asia, Spider-Man 3 is now making a mockery of European ticket-buying benchmarks. Based on this preliminary data, we now predict a $400 million opening weekend in America, kicking off an eventual $3 billion domestic run. [Variety]
· We much prefer THR's "Tom Poston, master of sidekicks" obit headline to yesterday's weak "clueless everyman" effort. [THR]
· Emma Roberts will star "as a spoiled Malibu princess" in the Universal comedy Wild Child; accusations that Auntie Julia somehow got her the role by promising Universal a favor to follow. [Variety]
· NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg honors late MPAA copyright enforcer Jack Valenti's legacy by announcing a "three-pronged" attack on the city's movie pirates. [THR]
· Still giddy over the huge piles of cash Frank Miller's 300 generated for them, Warner Bros. options the rights to his graphic novel Ronin. They plan to shoot in the same CGI-heavy way, hoping that hordes of well-muscled "gangs of mutants and thugs" with computer-enhanced six-packs will prove as wildly popular as the first project's sweaty, ripped Greeks. [Variety]

· 3,000 attend the Spider-Man 3 Tribeca Film Festival premiere in Astoria, Queens, uncharitably described as "roughly the east coast equivalent of Van Nuys." We hope nobody from Var is planning any trips to that borough in the near future, as we fear for their safety after that slight. [Variety]
· The U.S. Trade Representative puts China and Russia on notice, naming the two nations as the world-leaders in copyright theft, and threatening them with visits from DVD-sniffing wonderdogs Lucky and Flo should they not demonstrate a commitment to stopping movie piracy. [THR]
· "Magic" screen test chemistry lands 26-year-old Australian unknown Luke Ford a key role in the next Mummy movie, a casting move that may allow Universal to jettison Brendan Fraser after this installment and continue the franchise with cheaper talent. [Variety]
· Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fox's Peter Chernin, Disney's Bob Iger, and dozens of others pull honorary pallbearer duty at Jack Valenti's Washington, DC funeral. [THR]
· Peter Jackson is shopping around his spec adaptation of Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones; predictably left out of the bidding war fun: New Line, whom Jackson is suing for untold millions in Lord of the Rings royalties he claims to be owed. [Variety]
· In a move meant to recognize the breadth and quality of the original programming that plays above its famous scrolling grid of television listings, the TV Guide Channel boldly rebrands as TV Guide Network. [THR]

The nation has now had a weekend to mourn the passing of Jack Valenti, man who made possible the groundbreaking cultural artifact known as the special unrated DVD version of Turistas. Yet, beyond such obvious accomplishments, there's still so much more to know about the MPAA chief/L.B.J. confidante/ Napster destroyer. Happily, on a dreary Sunday evening like this, there's no better family activity than reading the week's obituaries! But how do we know which ones will be appropriate for the kids? Alphanumeric codes, obviously! The following obits have been submitted for review to the Gawker Weekend Rating Board; out of respect, we are following the brilliant, equivocally definite guidelines set forth on the M.P.A.A. website.

· Variety remembers recently deceased MPAA legend Jack Valenti, calling him "colorful," "charismatic," a "prime mover behind the movie ratings system," and the "industry's most ardent cheerleader." Also: "The silver-haired Valenti was a natty dresser and courtly gentleman who enjoyed using five-dollar words and arcane historical and literary allusions as he spoke out on numerous issues, all of which seemed to get him into a high lather." [Variety]
· The Reporter remembers Valenti as an "eloquent, high-level power broker" and recalls the "hump the hostess" anecdote of which we're so fond. [THR]
· In other Valenti news: His memoir, This Time, This Place, will still be released on June 5th, as planned. [Variety]
· American Idol fans overlook the show's unspeakably inhumane gotcha! prank on eventual winner Jordin Sparks, donating $60 million to its Idol Gives Back charity drive so far. [THR]
· ABC rides a penis worm and a set of giant, deformed balls to a Thursday night win to kick off May sweeps. [Variety]

· No, sillies! His name is Gay! LOL! CMT would never hire a real Gay! [Variety]
· We thought that Disney could never top itself after casting John Travolta, Tim Allen, and Martin Lawrence together in Wild Hogs, but they've just officially blown our minds by getting Travolta and Robin Williams into Old Dogs, the story of "two best friends and business partners whose lives are turned upside down when they find themselves in the care of 7-year-old twins." This one could do $300 million, easy. [THR]
· With no more female-friendly MOW worlds to conquer after landing both Jennie Garth and Lacey Chabert for upcoming projects, Lifetime president/CEO Betty Cohen "steps down" barely 24 hours after the network's upfront presentations. [Variety]
· Following yesterday's (possibly premature) reports that Spiderman: 3 may have already been pirated in Beijing, enraged MPAA head Dan Glickman stops just short of announcing an immediate Hollywood-led nuclear strike against China. [THR]
· In happier MPAA news, pirate-hunter emeritus Jack Valenti is out of the hospital after a recent stroke, but could suffer a setback should he be updated on this troubling China/Spider-Man situation. [Variety]

Lucky and Flo, the MPAA's quadruped crimefighting duo that's a DVD pirates' worst, furry-faced nightmare, have left Malaysia for the shores of the Philippines, putting some much-needed distance between them and any Malaysian mercenaries out to claim the reported $14,286 bounty on their heads. Currently in Manila, the dogs have quickly put their polycarbonate-sniffing skills to good use:

Lucky and Flo, the two most adorable, stinky-breathed foot soldiers in the MPAA's ongoing war against entertainment piracy, have been ordered to extend their illegal-disc-sniffing tour of duty in Malaysia well past the loaner month that had originally been agreed to:

The list of victims in the aftermath of After Dark Film's decision to grab some easy publicity by erecting offensive billboards to advertise thinking man's snuff film Captivity is a long and tragic one. Among them: the countless impressionable children involuntarily subjected to the graphic, psyche-scarring images looming dangerously close to their schools, After Dark CEO Courtney Solomon, whose more toned-down promotional ideas were ignored by a renegade printer bent on destroying him, and star Elisha Cuthbert, who is suffering from unprecedented levels of awareness about how disappointingly a once-promising career has developed. In the latest chapter of the Captivity billboard story, Slate's Kim Masters talks to a representative of a previously silent class of innocents who will be adversely affected by the MPAA's unprecedented sanctions against the movie: the producers:

Slow to fulfill its promise to remove the offensive billboards forcing local motorists to contemplate Elisha Cuthbert's graphic abduction, confinement, torture, and termination as they helplessly idle at traffic-clogged intersections, After Dark Films now feels the wrath of the MPAA, which has responded to public outrage over the unapproved ads by suspending the ratings process and demanding that all subsequent promotion materials be cleared with the organization if Captivity hopes to ever get the R it probably needs to make any money. Chideth the ratings board:

Lucky and Flo, the floppy-eared crimefighting duo currently on loan to the Malaysian government, followed their highly sensitive, polycarbonate-sniffing noses to a pirating operation where nearly 1 million illegal DVDs and CDs were being stored:

We'd like to take this opportunity to reaquaint you with the adorable, wet-nosed worst nightmares of any pirated entertainment smuggler: Lucky and Flo, two black Labradors whom we first met back in May of last year, who have been trained to sniff out polycarbonates used in the manufacturing of DVDs. They are on loan temporarily to Malaysia, just one of the Asia Pacific nations responsible for the estimated $1.2 billion the pirated DVD trade costs Hollywood annually, taking food off the plates of hard-working stuntmen and studio execs lunching at The Grill alike. Pictured, Lucky and Flo stand triumphantly next to their contraband quarry: A boxed-set featuring an entire season of Friends, just a small step towards ensuring its cast members—whose latest gigs are hardly insuring that food will continue to be put on their tables—are fairly remunerated for their hard work on the series.

· ABC yanks once-hyped Knights of Properity from its schedule with four episodes yet to air, then compounds the indignity by replacing the series with reruns of According to Jim and George Lopez, which stings even more than a looming cancellation. [Variety]
· The post-Oscar The Departed love-in shows no signs of abating, with Martin Scorcese and Mark Wahlberg teaming up to produce an HBO series about the development of Atlantic City. [THR]
· ABC Television Studio signs Borat/Curb/Seinfeld/Entourage producer Larry Charles to a two-and-a-half-year deal to write and direct various TV projects, which we assume will not include an assignment to oversee their hybrid Geico Cavemen sitcomfomercial. [Variety]
· The MPAA's Dan Glickman says that 2006's 5.5% increase in movie ticket sales was a "reminder" that worldwide audiences "enjoy going to the movies," while a Slump-tainted '05 was "a clear message that we were putting out some pretty terrible shit." [THR]
· Bored former Disney CEO Michael Eisner tries to occupy his idle time by collecting baseball card companies. [Variety]

Fearing that indifferent, all-powerful lawmakers might not be hearing the voice of the obscure, California-based movie-fabricating industry whose interests they tirelessly represent on Capitol Hill, today the Motion Picture Association of America arranged for some of its most eloquent representatives to finally gain an audience in Washington with its "The Business of Show Business" symposium. But knowing that its best chances at swaying politicians probably lay in appealing to their basest star-fucking instincts, decided to sprinkle in some Big Willy Style for insurance:

· Yesterday's Oscar nominations lead studios to adjust the release strategies for their recognized films, with Warner Bros. expanding The Departed from about 100 to almost 1500 screens and adding more showings of Iwo Jima this Friday; meanwhile, a despondent Paramount will fight the urge to yank Dreamgirls from theaters over its Best Picture snub. [Variety]
· A re-energized Harvey Weinstein continues his Sundance "feeding frenzy," "gobbling up a smorgasbord of films," bragging, "At this point, I'm buying shit just to piss off Sony Pictures Classics. Fuck, I'm good." [THR]
· American Idol continues to crush the hopes and dreams of rival network execs, pulling in 32.6 million more viewers even when hampered by the State of the Union address. [Variety]
· Dreamgirls' failure to be included in the Best Picture race deprives Oscar handicappers of the reliable predictive strategy of picking the most-nominated film to win the big prize, throwing the entire race into utter, wide-open chaos. [THR]
· Former MPAA head Jack Valenti defends the organization's pilloried ratings system, noting that surveys reveal that it serves its intended purpose of helping parents shield their children from exposed breasts while simultaneously allowing them maximum exposure to graphic violence. Also, a white elephant is mentioned, whom Valenti credits with originally dictating the ratings guidelines to him. [Variety]

· Columbia Pictures and David Koepp, writer of the first Spider-Man's script, have begun the process of trying to agree upon on the presumably huge number that would bring him back to do the screenplay for Spidey 4. [Variety]
· Foreign moviegoers' love affair with Ben Stiller shows no sign of slowing down, with Night at the Museum topping the international box office yet again with $14.4. million. [THR]
· At the TCAs, Peter Liguori says networks are feeling the "chilling effect" of FCC indecency rulings, and that the "regrettably restrictive" climate they've created could stand in the way of his dream of one day hearing House call one of his medical underlings a "a total fucking incompetent." [Variety]
· HBO picks up the Lily Tomlin drama 12 Miles of Bad Road to series, and orders 40 (!) more episodes of the Gabriel Byrne therapy comedy In Treatment, bringing its commitment to the show to 45 half-hours. [THR]
· A high-level Italian court rules that the unauthorized downloading of copyrighted movies and music isn't a crime if the downloader doesn't profit from it, prompting the MPAA to announce its intentions to lobby Congress to immediately invade Italy before it becomes a safe haven for the pirate menace that threatens to bring down Hollywood. [Variety]

· Kicked in the ass by the documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated, the MPAA is trying to "demystify" the movie ratings system, making ratings rules public on its web site and disclosing previously guarded information about the composition of its shadowy Classification & Rating Administration. Also: they'll introduce a new way to warn parents that certain R-rated movies contain too many pairs of exposed breasts to ever be viewed by impressionable children. [Variety]
· After wasting valuable pre-production time looking for a "Gwyneth Paltrow type" to play a supporting role in the upcoming Iron Man movie, Marvel Entertainment decides to throw enough money at the real deal to get Paltrow to consent to play a superhero's personal assistant. [THR]
· Embracing its corporate mandate to get cheaper in the first hour of primetime, NBC orders six episodes of celebrity improvisation series Thank God You're Here; to balance its responsible order, president Kevin Reilly plans to announce he's given an Aaron Sorkin-penned drama set behind the scenes at a celebrity-improv comedy show a four-season pick-up. [Variety]
· In further NBC pick-up news, the networks gives The Office, My Name Is Earl, and Law & Order: The Sex Victims One full-season orders for next year. [THR]
· Fox picks up 11 episodes of the reality show When Women Rule the World, in which 12 attractive women are given a society to run, and get to trade insufficiently productive man-slaves for supplies crucial to the expansion of their Amazonian utopia. Fox president Peter Liguori calls the series "an important opportunity to explore the societal implications of allowing a dozen hot, drunk chicks to order around a bunch of shirtless out-of-work actors." [Variety]

Two people have been arrested for stealing an Academy member's awards screeners and illegally posting them online. The DA has yet to file charges, but is expected to ultimately deny the MPAA's request that the pirates be summarily stabbed in the kidneys and left to bleed to death on the sidewalk in front of the Kodak Theatre. [Variety]
ABC shuffles its Wednesday schedule, sacrificing new comedies Knights of Prosperity and In Case of Emergency to the Nielsen gods by putting them up against the return of American Idol, hoping that better-loved hit Lost might be spared their wrath in its new 10 pm timeslot. [THR]
George Clooney's production company tries to help re-ignite Hollywood's stalled love affair with legal thriller typist John Grisham, buying the movie rights to produce the book The Innocent Man: Murder and Justice in a Small Town for Warner Independent. [Variety]
The IATSE/WGA feud over reality jobs heats up, as IATSE president Thomas Short accuses the WGA of "irresponsibility and incompetence" for delaying producer talks. Only nine more months left of bickering over accusations of Guild posturing and de facto studio work stoppages! Enjoy them while they last. [THR]
The week in ratings: NBC takes the weekly 18-49 demo victory, The CW posts its strongest numbers yet, ABC has the week's most watched show, CBS remains the overall most watched network, and Fox is just happy they're not being beaten by Telemundo. [Variety]