School's out, thunderstorms are rolling in, and flowers are in bloom. Montauk Monster season is upon us. And to ring it in, ASSME's Drew Grant claims to have finally solved the mystery that seized a nation last July.

The director of the carnival comedy Splinterheads, whose people had been cynically piggybacking the most important story of the summer by claiming that Monty the Montauk Monster of Montauk was nothing but a prop for the little flick-and that the origin of the story was the producer's sister-is finally admitting that they lied, lied, LIED! "I'd like to go on record and say our movie 'Splinterheads' has had nothing to do with this Montauk Monster thing. We're shooting a comedy out here in Patchogue-not a horror film. My producer Darren does not have a sister Rachel, but a Rachael Taylor is starring in the film." But even this admission is a little fishy, as it's all put on the shoulders of some anonymous teenager.

Our old friend Monty got a shout-out tonight on the Colbert Report. Not only did this illustrate that his story has made that critical third leap — from blog to cable news to cable fake news — the segment also surfaced a highly plausible new theory as to what Earthly form Monty took before he became a demon hellspawn. Kiss the dog, raccoon, pig and vole theories goodbye! Click the video icon to view.