We've long known that the gap in wealth and earnings between the haves and the have-nots has the potential to undermine the very foundation of American society. We're referring, of course, exclusively to attorneys. The young bottom-of-the-food-chain document reviewers toiling for a meager pittance can scarcely behold the salaries of their superiors. And it's getting worse; the WSJ reports that "traditional notions of pay equity are falling by the wayside."

Governors across America are finally acknowledging that deep, painful budget cuts are unavoidable. But there's no one-size-fits-all prescription for state budget cuts. That's so stupid! For patriotism, we've composed this highly specific listicle noting exactly what each state in the union can cut back on. Is your state included? (Yes.)

The Way We Live Now: freezing our balls off. And by balls we mean "a metaphor for jobs," because jobs are what give Americans of all genders, thank you, the "cojones" to keep on truckin'. Castrated, economically, by a snowblade!

The Way We Live Now: better than we used to. Despite everything, our living standards are rising! Can you believe it? Even with no jobs or pensions, we're seeing improvement. We pay for it all on credit!

The Way We Live Now: requesting a do-over. We made our best guess, and it didn't work out. Let's run it back. Let's try again. Let's make a different bet. Let's get a refund, and re-invest! Repay us, immediately!

As predicted, total Wall Street pay in 2010 rose to its highest level in history: $135 billion. Income as a percentage of revenue was up, as was average compensation per employee. They couldn't have done it without you, America. [WSJ]

The Way We Live Now: giving up on dreams. They're complicated, they're expensive, and you never get your investment back. Why bother with dreams when you can find nearly as much satisfaction from tax rebates, gambling, and condos? Settle, settle.

The American Dream is owning your own home. We heard that so many times in the past decade! Remember that? That was before the recession and all. Now, a brutal landmark: all the past decade's home ownership gains are gone.

The Way We Live Now: using all of our powers of sleight of hand. Congratulations on your democracy, Egypt! Please install a dictator as your economic overseer at once! Stability at any price—that's the American Egyptian dream!

Heartbreaking news from America's schools: children are approaching their teachers to ask what they should do now that their parents are unemployed. How embarrassing. Parents, don't let your kids blow up your spot. Talk to them about their newfound poorness.

The Way We Live Now: expanding and contracting. It's natural, like inhaling smoke from menthol and fiberglass. The economy grows; the economy shrinks. People on the margins get crushed. The only way to survive: go crying to your rich uncle.

John Paulson, who runs his own hedge fund, made $4 billion in 2007, inspiring the book The Greatest Trade Ever. Time for another book. Last year, Paulson made $5 billion. To put that figure into perspective: that's insane. [WSJ]

When we last checked in with dinosaurlike "book store" Borders, it was desperately seeking a loan to stave off bankruptcy. Well, they got their $550 million loan! But there's a fair chance they'll still go bankrupt. Showing good effort! [Dealbook]

The Way We Live Now: in a state of total war. If we must sacrifice a portion of this nation in order to more thoroughly dominate another nation, well, that sounds like a good deal to us. Suck it, Japan!

The Way We Live Now: conflating a concatenation of concurrent consequential...things. Just circumstances, really. We accept responsibility for our mistakes. We pray never to repeat them. Then we run off and do whatever! Whooooo, good times!

The Way We Live Now: scrimping and saving. To get into Davos! Davos ain't cheap, you know. They don't let just anyone into Davos. Only the big shots make it to Davos. Do I know you from Davos? Oh, sorry.

The Way We Live Now: just messing with you, but seriously. Sometimes you hear something so crazy you're like, "You're just messing with me." And they're like "Yea—but also, it's true." We can't even afford to die any more.

A sunny reenactment of recent trends in American higher education: due to the recession, enrollment rises. Due to the recession, state funding was down. Federal stimulus funds provide momentary rescue! And now: federal funds end. States are still broke. Urgh.

Quite recently, the New York Times, Washington Post, and LA Times were three of America's best newspapers. Now, they're each facing potentially era-ending challenges. Is there any hope for the Great American Newspaper? Sure—for the lucky ones.

On Tuesday Regis Philbin announced he was leaving Live! this year. According to TMZ, Regis wanted more cash, while ABC pointed out that Live! isn't doing well and Regis takes too much time off. Cut him some slack, he's 79!