In the future, things will be very slightly different. In the future, things will be worse. The future is now.

Historians tell us that the United States of America once boasted a fabled "middle" class of residents. They were not too poor; they were not too rich; they were just right. Crazy—but allegedly true.

Obama's big jobs program was announced last night, and the results are in: it's a failure. I mean, it hasn't started yet, but if it did, it would be too small, and it won't pass anyhow, because it's too big.

Why is health care so goddamn expensive in the United States? One major factor is that "Doctors are paid higher fees in the United States than in several other countries," according to a new study. Related: Doctors demand a raise!

After last month's wild stock market fluctuations, Americans are all hoping that the various investment indexes calm down and return to a modest, steady climb. Right? Hahaha, no. Americans are all hoping to scrounge a nickel's worth of aluminum cans.

While you were sitting around in your air-conditioned apartment sending free "e-mails" and watching pornography, our nation's letter carriers were coming to the realization that they may soon be completely defunct.

In August, the United States of America, the mightiest economic power the world has ever seen, created the following number of jobs for its citizens: zero. Zero new jobs, according to the very latest jobs figures released this morning, which "show an economic recovery that appears to be puttering out."

In 2008, when the global economy collapsed, the Bush administration hilariously appointed 30-something Republican ski bum and Ferrari-loving Goldman Sachs alum Neel Kashkari as our nation's "bailout czar." It was America's worst job, and everyone hated him. He fled as soon as reasonably possible for the friendlier confines of private enterprise.

What's the main problem with the American economy? You, okay? You, and people like you. As an average drone, your job is very simple: you go to work, you make money, and then you spend all of that money on consumer products. Repeat until dead. But you can't even get that right.

Another day, another drop in new home sales. Another week, another rise in delinquent mortgages. Wake up, American paupers: the American dream of home ownership is dumb.

What's the reason for the unabated plunge of Wal-Mart's sales for the past two years? We assumed it was because Wal-Mart sucks a big one. In fact, there may be a mathematical explanation!

"Xanadu" was the original name of a plan dreamed up by Satan to blight the earth, in the form of an outrageously large, atrociously garish, criminally expensive, and blatantly unwanted shopping mall in New Jersey, Satan's earthly dominion. It costs nearly $4 billion! It's been in the process of being built for eight years! And it's still not finished, because nobody wants it! So... why don't you pay for it?

It's Thursday, meaning that the United States financial markets are collapsing again. The Dow is down nearly 400 points already today. Why so negative, everyone with money?

Breaking: nice guys finish last. Confirmed, true, just one more way you lose. That's why Chad has a Porsche and you don't. Sorry, bitch.

The stock market is bananas. Why bother? There are plenty of other places to put your money. Which type of investment is right for you?

The SEC has charged a 26 year-old named Toby Scammell (HEH) with insider trading, after he made nearly $200K on stock deals after learning from his Disney-employed girlfriend that Disney was going to buy Marvel. How many objectionable things do we know about Toby?

Time for the Bizarro Dow Jones Roller Coaster report of the day! To recap: Monday, the Dow fell 635 points. Tuesday, it rose by 430 points. Wednesday, it fell by 520 points. And today? Take a moment to guess.

Oh good: due to the general sense of panic afflicting the financial world, European regulators are considering a temporary ban on short selling. This is stupid.

On Monday, the Dow Jones average fell by 635 points. Doom! The next day, it rose by 430 points. Reprieve! And today, it has dropped by another 520 points.

To be completely honest with you, the day at the stock market did not go well. The Dow was down 634 points. Which is, we have to tell you, not good. It's actually the sixth largest one-day drop in history.