What's the main problem with the American economy? You, okay? You, and people like you. As an average drone, your job is very simple: you go to work, you make money, and then you spend all of that money on consumer products. Repeat until dead. But you can't even get that right.

You're failing on both sides, Americans. Not only are your completely rational fears of a double-dip recession causing you to fail as consumers; you're also sitting around at home all day, unemployed and unproductive. (Big time losers.)

Economists say that unemployed and underemployed American castoffs tend to eat up our nation's collective productivity by sleeping more and watching more TV, instead of by taking the initiative and doing something productive. Wake up, losers! You can still stimulate the economy even without a job.

  • Acquire a crystal meth habit. Goodbye, unproductive sleep! This is the best way to stay motivated to keep pumping money into the economy by any means necessary, and we mean any.
  • Jumping jacks. Do them. Bet you're not sleeping now, are you? No, you're feeling fit and vigorous. Now if you could only get a job.
  • Arts and crafts. What with internet sites like "Etsy," you can put your own homemade arts and crafts in front of a global audience more easily than ever. Then you can tell people you have a job even though you're not making any money.
  • TV recapping. Everybody on the internet wants to do TV recapping now I guess! Get in on this high demand field while there's still time, before every last viewer of every TV show has started their own personal live blog of said show. Economic analysts tell us that TV recapping is a field that offers, let's see here... one paid position, nationwide. And Richard Lawson has it. He can't live forever, though!
  • Get a job, hippie.

And don't forget to spend!

[Photo via Niels Heidenreich/Flickr]