This morning, Forbes made a big announcement. Tech darling Elizabeth Holmes—the founder of the disgraced blood-testing firm Theranos—is no longer a multi-billionaire. Instead, Forbes estimates, she’s now worth “nothing.” This is a delicious scoop of schadenfreude, but it’s one that nonetheless obscures that Holmes was always actually worth, to use Forbes’ term, nothing.

What does it take to be a millionaire in the United States of America? There is one very important step.

Facing down a $5 million judgment for posting a sex tape of Rick Ross’s baby mama, 50 Cent has declared bankruptcy to prove he can’t pay. It’s somewhat convenient that, after Forbes named him one of the richest rappers in the world just a few months ago, 50 claims his reported $155 million fortune is really just $4.375 million. He said this week that he rented cars and borrowed jewelry to keep up appearances.

Rapper Rich Homie Quan, feeling some type of way, allegedly punched a security guard who wouldn't let him through the backdoor VIP entrance of a packed club early Monday morning, even though Quan is a rich millionaire, bitch.

"There is one millionaire household for every 16 households in the country... with about 22 houses per block, if there isn't a family worth seven figures living on your block, there will likely be, on average, one living on the next block." Role models are everywhere.

A wealthy amusement-ride magnate and his partner returned home to their stately manse outside Orlando Wednesday night and were robbed by a trio of men who invaded the house dressed as ninjas.

Virginia Fike from Virginia […Fike] bought two lottery tickets from a truck stop a few weeks ago, one of which turned out to be worth a million dollars.

In January, 30-year-old Emily Leach won $1,000,000 on a scratch-off ticket she bought at a California Liquor & Tobacco store. She used the money to pay off medical bills she had incurred while receiving treatment for a pancreatic tumor. She bought her mom a dog. She exhibited the kind of exorbitant generosity normally reserved for cartoon billionaires and Mitt Romney, by handing out $100 bills to strangers.

The state of New Jersey instituted a "millionaire's tax" (those making over $500K had their state tax rate raised to 9% from about 6.5%) in 2004, because its multimillionaire governor at the time was a socialist who hates success. Now, a new study has documented the devastating effect that this penurious and unfair tax scheme had on the state, as all the millionaires packed up and fled for friendlier locales:

Fidelity Investments knows lots of millionaires, so they were like, "Let's survey them and see how horrible they are." The millionaires came through in a major way. Fidelity's PR team thanks you, you greedy bastards!

Craig Rowin is a Brooklyn comedian who writes for The Onion. Last November, he posted this Youtube video that simply asked for some rich person to give him a million dollars. Now he says: someone is. Really, Craig Rowin? Really?

Recession? What recession? New York is home to 667,200 millionaires! And 14,771,188 other people ("losers").

Since leaving office last July, Sarah Palin has made at least $12 million. (According to ABC's The Blotter, so the real figure is probably more like a zillion dollars, if this Palin character even exists.) So there you have it.

Facial-haired magazine mogul Jann Wenner's wife has paid him more than $20 million this year to buy his half of two properties the couple once shared, before Jann moved in with a guy 15 years ago. It's a living! [NYT]

Ruth Madoff gave up everything in exchange for a new lease on life and $2.5 million. Now a representative of her husband's victims would like that $2.5 million back. Along with another $42.5 million.

The Way We Live Now: Great, if we're millionaires. And we're not, any more. So the remaining millionaires use us as a global army of slave drones for their own whimsical amusement. Their "cash money" buys us nothing. We're enraged!

Here it is, at long last, the idea that will save print and the newspaper industry as a whole! It's deceptively simple! And the chances of it backfiring horribly are...even or better!

After all that trash talk, American Apparel has agreed to give Woody Allen $5 million for putting his picture on their skeevy billboard. Pussies!

Sad struggling businessmen can no longer afford to spend thousands on strippers at Scores. Instead, they're spending hundreds to have an ex-stripper from Scores hypnotize them. For business success! Really now:

This one isn't brand new, but the current economic turmoil means it's a good time to watch the trailer for August, the upcoming Josh Hartnett flick dramatizing the dramatic dot-com world of August, 2001-a dramatic time. Josh Hartnett is sitting in board rooms! Delivering speeches! Furrowing his brow! And sexing a sexy woman or three in the process! Enjoy the sight of Web boom 1.0, just as Web boom 2.0 may be going over a cliff with the rest of the economy. Side note: Hartnett, who also portrayed a web guy in 40 Days and 40 Nights, is set to corner the market on playing dotcom heroes. Luckily he bears a passing resemblance to Nick Denton! Watch the trailer below and comment freely.