Today in news that reads like bad satire aimed at amoral millennials: the tale of Kirsty Edmondson, a 23-year-old sex worker who allegedly killed a former teacher with a lethal heroin dose, took a selfie with his body, and lived in his apartment with the corpse for a week.

Washington, DC is known to be America's "capital" city—of hipness. Much of that hip, young vibe is driven by "millennial"-generation "hipsters," spreading their hipness around the city like a blanket of comforting disease. But has DC gotten too hip for the good of its own hipness?

Entitled members of the "millennial" generation—is there anything that they cannot destroy with their devil-may-care sense of youthful self-regard? The answer is "no." Millennials are now destroying even death.

In Pizza Hut's quest to reinvent itself as a restaurant serving food fit for human consumption, no tactic is too radical. Pizzas made by actual humans? You bet. And now the dynamic company is making the boldest innovation of all.

Bored to death with their standard careers in the Bushwick street art guided tour industry, members of the disgustingly attractive and incompetent "Millennial" generation are now amusing themselves by starting oil companies. Are fossil fuels the new "molly?"

The young adults of America have been sold a dream for their entire lives: go to the right school, get the right job, buy a house, and live the American Dream. Ha. The American Dream is dead, school is a debt trap, and young people are losing the economic race with the old.

There are a handful of hallmarks of growing up: losing your virginity; getting your first apartment; realizing that America's two-party political system is a grotesque mockery of democracy. The "millennial" generation is doing all of those things right now.

After a period of recession during which Americans were drinking less beer, Americans are once again drinking plenty of beer. But the millennial generation is not drinking enough beer. That is where a multibillion-dollar international brewing conglomerate's marketing team comes in.

Millennials are shitty money managers.

"Millennials looking for a 'revolution' at Davos." Keep on looking.

The wave of hipness that has lately washed over Washington, DC has bathed the city's new residents in a glorious young, hip vibe. But it has also washed away the once sedate lives of the city's elderly, who now cower in their apartments, fearing that the next tidal wave of coolness may drown them for good.

More "millennials" are moving to Washington, DC than to any other city, which proves everything we've ever said about both millennials and Washington, DC.

Despite lacking the wherewithal to make their own sandwiches, entitled "Millennials" are demanding that the sandwiches made for them come on bread that is "unconventional," "unique," or even "wacky." It's about time for some famous newsman to ghostwrite another book about WWII, so we can hear how a real generation ate.

People slightly older or younger than you: what bizarre and despicable customs do they adhere to? How is the culture of them and their peers inferior to your own personal beliefs and practices? The shocking answer: Jesus Christ, this is all bullshit.

"Millennial males are rebelling against the mass culture they grew up in," marketers say. Also: "One in three say they are 'sneaker obsessed.' And nearly 80% said American brands are cool again."

Why are members of Generation Y unhappy? Because they're delusional yuppies who think they're special? Or because they've been born into a economic hellscape created by their parents?

The so-called "Millennial" generation—the devil-may-care social media influencers who hold in their tepid little hands the metaphorical keys to America's future—are now old enough to be working at "real" jobs. But not old enough to forsake mommy's warm embrace.

According to a new Gallup poll, only 36 percent of 18 to 29 year olds have tried marijuana. That's down from 46 percent for the same age group in 1999, and 56 percent in 1985. What new barrier is preventing young people from getting as high as gas prices like their parents and grandparents before them?

Does the layabout "Millennial" generation, composed primarily of— not to engage in reductive stereotyping—greedy little sellouts, have any redeeming qualities whatsoever? Perhaps.

A long time ago, Bonnie Fuller was the editor of real (if vapid) celebrity rags like Star and Us Weekly. But now she's just the editor of a very pink website called HollywoodLife.com, and the author of bizarre celebrity conspiracy theory columns. And a simpleton pundit for the most gullible elements of the advertising industry!