Ha: Mazda, the corporate owner of merman Michael Phelps, made Phelps apologize to the entire nation of China for inhaling THC-laden smoke, from a bong. Just imagine the devastating effects that had, on China.

Hugh Grant just wants your extra time and your kiss. Seriously, that's absolutely all he wants. Unlike George Clooney, who wants you to abdicate a political empire.

• Poor Gwynnie will have to brave V-Day alone, since Chris Martin's on tour and she's not sure what continent he's on. [NYDN]
• Chris Brown left Las Vegas yesterday, where he'd been holed up at the Hard Rock. He also updated his Facebook page, changing his status to single and writing, "You'll begin to see her true colors. Believe it!" [NYP, E!]
• Jesus Luz, Madonna's 22-year-old "special friend," is now into Kabbalah. [P6]
• Joaquin Phoenix is still running around town acting crazy; it's still unclear if he's drugged out of his mind or if it's just a big hoax. [NYDN]

Those eight arrests that a heroic South Carolina Sheriff's department pulled off in connection with the Michael Phelps bong photo? They netted less than an ounce of marijuana. Streets: safe. [ABC. Pic: Star]

Hah, it's funny because stoners get high, right? NORML sent out this outraged petition on behalf of hero swimmer Michael Phelps.

Yea, they thought it was so cool to hang out and take bong hits with Olympic champ Michael Phelps. Until the freaking sheriff started arresting everybody for it. Thanks a lot, Phelps.

• Paris Hilton hasn't given up on her dream of musical superstardom. At a Grammy after-party on Sunday, she accosted Paul McCartney and asked him if he'd be interested in doing a duet with her. Paul politely explained that he didn't think he'd have the time. [The Sun]
• Gwyneth Paltrow didn't join Chris Martin at any of the Grammy after-parties, so he found another chick to hang out with instead. [NYDN]
• The Chris Brown-Rihanna situation has taken a turn for the worse. Rihanna's injuries are reportedly "horrific," and include bite marks, facial contusions, and a bloody nose. Brown has hired attorney Mark Geragos to defend him. Both stars have cancelled upcoming appearances. And Brown's Doublemint gum ad has already been pulled. [People, TMZ, NYP]

Who took that photo of dolphin-boy Michael Phelps hitting a bong? Who cares? It's no worse than that photo of you in college, licking liquid acid off a naked mule. But the media is investigating!

As Seth Meyers pointed out on Saturday Night Live last night, Kellogg Company's image is closer to that of bong-smoking Olympian Michael Phelps than the cereal maker likes to admit.

After the media assault comes the inevitable counterspin: Kellogg flacks are saying it did not drop benighted Olympian merman Michael Phelps over a photo of his lips pressed to a bong. Even though it did.

Kellogg dumped merman Michael Phelps after finding out he smokes weed, even though everyone knows Frosted Flakes are so good, toasted. Now it looks like Subway—also great toasted!—is making the same mistake. [Update: Subway statement.]

A terrifying cultural milestone is approaching, one that will further destroy the image of our nation's menfolk, already irrevocably sullied by Michael Phelps' bong-toking and Jeremy Piven's malingering and hairplugs: For the first time in America's history, women will outnumber men in the labor force! Since 82 percent of recent job losses effected men, statistics are likely to soon reveal that more than half the country's breadwinners are of the fairer sex.

Michael Phelps continues to face the grave consequences of smoking a bong. He's suspended for three months by swimming's national governing body,which means no financial support. Ouch, we guess?

Kellogg, in the most boneheaded move in the entire history of all celebrity endorsements ever, is dumping Michael Phelps over his pot photo. Has any brand ever been more out of touch with its customers?

Kellogg says it plans to drop its endorsement deal with Michael Phelps after a photo of him smoking pot was published in the News of the World last weekend. "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg," explained a spokesperson. In other very disappointing Kellogg-related news, if you purchased Keebler Soft Batch Homestyle Chocolate Chunk Cookies recently, you probably shouldn't eat them unless want to get salmonella poisoning. [AP]

Rest assured, America: Lawless hippie dope fiend Michael Phelps will not get a pass from the brave sheriff of Richland County, South Carolina. Nor will A-Rod assert independence from Madonna without consequence.

• Bruce Wasserstein tied the knot with a "much younger Asian woman" two weekends ago, although details about the billionaire's new bride remain scarce. [P6]
• Alex Rodriguez is jealous and embarrassed that Madonna has been spending so much time with 22-year-old model Jesus Luz, since it makes him look like he got "dumped for a younger stud." [NYDN]
• The City's Jay Lyon—who was named Brent Tuhton until he changed it—has scored a record contract with Universal. [P6]
• Could Mark Badgley and James Mischka really be breaking up? Who is going to design our Oscar gown? [NYDN]

• Olivia Palermo and Whitney Port are "horrified" that MTV producers have been pressuring them to get into a physical fight at "work" for an upcoming episode on The City and they've even threatened to walk off the set if they're forced to participate. How principled! [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan "stomped around" and "caused chaos" after finding out she'd have to sit in economy on a flight home from Tampa on Saturday. (She also told a friend to "come and visit me back there in case I die.") Horrified flight attendants eventually found her a seat up front. [Fox News]
• Things seem to be heating up between Madonna and Jesus Luz. Also, she took the model to brunch at Macelleria on Sunday, so you know. [DM, NYDN]
• It looks like Julie Janklow's new paramour is none other than surfer Scott Murphy, who split with Marci Klein back in December. [P6, previously]

Sometimes you just want to be left alone. Michael Phelps reportedly tried to pay to make pictures of his bong hits go away; John Mayer wants a lower profile than Jennifer Aniston offers.

So far, so good: Speedo and watchmaker Omega said they're keeping endorsement deals with Michael Phelps, despite pictures of the champion swimmer smoking pot. But he must pretend to quit weed forever.