Porn impresario Michael Lucas says he ejected Calvin Klein's ex-boyfriend/newly out straight man Nick Gruber from a party on Fire Island this weekend. "I am straight, and I don’t want any gay people to touch me," is a quote.

Do not cross New York gay porn impresario and neocon Zionist Michael Lucas by pirating his movies. Lucas' production company just sued 53 porn pirates for as much as $150,000 each. Sexy copyright infringement, ahoy!

Housewives come and housewives go, and Bethenny Frankel has graduated from the Real Housewives of New York to her own reality show. Who will they ever find to replace her? Well, we have some opinions on the matter.

Sure, American companies can't make reliable cars or financial instruments, but we still rule at exporting narcissistic media like reality television shows. And now, a Gothamite sodomite semite is taking Israel's gay porn virginity.

Michael Lucas, the famous Russian-born gay porn performer, just got married! (He's the pouty one in the wedding pic.) You might know him from his films Hunt & Plunge and Fire Island Cruising 1-8, or La Dolce Vita, which was filmed partially in the Marc Jacobs store—making it the gayest movie on record. His groom is Richard Winger, who the press release says is an "international businessman;" it also says the two met eight years ago at a "Holiday Party." They're using the wedding to fight for gay marriage rights throughout the country—or maybe to get attention from gay publications for putting that in the press release.Lucas was profiled last March in the New Republic as "gay porn's neocon kingporn" due to his over-the-top opinions on Middle Eastern politics. But he makes up for that with his insistence on condoms being used in the porns he directs. As he explained his choices to New York mag: "‘What is my real chance to become a mainstream celebrity?' I am an immigrant, I have an accent, I am not the most beautiful thing which crossed the world." It goes without saying that Lucas is ridiculous and self-promoting, but we're still glad he exists. At the very least because every apartment building needs a square peg:

• Jennifer Lopez competed in a triathalon in Malibu, then flew to New York to throw Marc Anthony a birthday party at the Bowery Hotel. It's unclear, though, if she ever had an injured foot, which was the reason she gave for pulling out of the Project Runway finale last week and now some are wondering if a fight with Harvey Weinstein over a movie role was the real reason she cancelled. [People, NYDN, MSNBC]

Earlier this week we gave you a brief history of Rob Shuter, the shameless former celebrity flack whose various transgressions have reduced him to editing OK! Magazine. That post brought back some memories for Michael Lucas, famous gay porn performer and impresario (pictured, on the left). According to Lucas, he once snubbed Shuter's request for love, which sparked a neverending campaign by the uberflack to exact his revenge! Worst of all, Lucas says, Shuter even used poor supermodel Naomi Campbell for his own nefarious ends. Lucas' full, telling letter is below.

The New Republic, an anemic journal for chickenhawks, gets excited by gay porn's neocon kingpin.

Michael Lucas

From today's Page Six, a follow-up on last week's La Dolce Vita porn shoot at Marc Jacobs that is sure to shake the Times to its very core:

From the mailbag comes an opportunity for your big break — or an alternate means of spending your Saturday. Michael Lucas Entertainment is looking for extras for their latest adult film, La Dolce Vita, which was being filmed in the Marc Jacobs store earlier this week. Now you can join in the fun:

As part of the same film that involved the sex scene in the Marc Jacobs store, the Michael Lucas troupe relocated to City Hall Fountain on Wednesday night. This time, Savanna Samson frolics with Lucas himself in an alarmingly hetero scenario. There are other photos, but they resemble more of a De Beers commercial than a porn movie. Heading off potential objections, Lucas's publicists assures us:

New York is so liberal and cool!

If you're looking for something or someone to do today, Jewy gay pornographer Michael Lucas' latest glossy hardcore production, La Dolce Vita will be shooting in the Jewy gay temple of fashion porn: