• Raffaello Follieri might be in the process of negotiating a deal with the feds, which would put him in prison for five to 6 1/2 years instead of the nine-year sentence he could face if he's convicted by a jury. [NYP]

1) Miguel Forbes took a cruise to Sag Harbor aboard the family-owned Highlander, along with Alejandro Santo Domingo, Dan Abrams, Dave Zinczenko and Melissa Milne, Elle Macpherson, Stella Keitel, Craig Spitzer, Fabian Basabe, Sessa Von Richthofen (pictured, right) and Richard Johnson. [NYSD/PMc]

A brief refresher course in what's currently going on in the wild world of the Lohans: Lindsay's dad, Michael, apparently banged some woman when he was separated from Lindsay's mom. The lady he banged had a child. Yesterday, Michael took a paternity test to see if the child is his. We're still waiting on that verdict, but stop the presses ... OK! Magazine has the first photos of Lindsay's potential half-sister Ashley!

It remains to be seen whether Michael Lohan fathered a child-a 13-year-old half-sister for actress Lindsay Lohan-outside his marriage. (Michael Lohan's former girlfriend took more than a decade to press her claims; and he's taken a DNA test to prove his innocence.) Whatever. The 48-year-old former felon still ranks as Hollywood's worst celebrity father for another reason: an incredibly creepy voicemail which shows he lies to his troubled daughter. Even if you care nothing for the Lohans, it's worth a listen if only as a case study in awful showbiz parenthood.

Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:

Not that claims like these are shocking when you’re part of that wild fame-chasing bunch currently Living Lohan, but Star is reporting that one of Michael Lohan's old flings has taken a paternity test to prove her 13-year old daughter is the newest member of everyone’s favorite dysfunctional family. According to the mag, a Montana woman named Kristi Kaufmann is coming forward to “make sure the truth comes out...‘My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it’s Michael.’” Now married to a new cowboy hat-wearing realtor, the 44-year old’s claims aren’t exactly being denied by the wig-loving Born Again. Michael’s ambiguous response, and whether or not the details and timing supplied by Kaufmann support the possibility that Lindsay Lohan has yet another little sister who will inevitably want to "be just like her," after the jump.

• Party mom Dina Lohan better show up at her divorce court hearing this morning, or she'll be subject to "immediate arrest and imprisonment." Her ex, Michael Lohan, has reopened their contentious divorce case with new charges that she's drunk around their kids, and fails to show up to court-ordered visitations. Oh, and she wouldn't let him babysit his daughter's puppy. [Rush & Molloy]

In case you hadn't heard, the most titillating story to come out of Cannes this year had nothing to do with film and everything to do with DJ/DUI heroine Sam Ronson allegedly playing tongue twister with her roomie and long-term girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. But after seeing the so-called scandalous pictures in question, we have yet to see this "liplock". We've given many a girlfriend a tipsy hug in our time and, well, that just does not a lesbian make. Not that our opinion matters — Michael Lohan's does! The wig-fetishizing Born Again has turned up to set the record straight once and for all: "[Their] relationship ‘is evident to anyone with half a brain...[Lindsay] is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God.'" Sure, Michael isn't the most reliable source to confirm that these two are in fact dating, but on the eve of the infamous photos of Lindsay passed out in the front seat of Sam's car, we attempt to analyze their often romantic, often turbulent relationship over the years.

After photos surfaced recently of actress Lindsay Lohan and her extremely close best friend, DJ Samantha Ronson, old school necking in Cannes, the LiLoLesbo rumors have been back in full swing. As anyone who is a homosexual can tell you, parents are often the best place to get the inside scoop on their child's same-sex sex life. And Lindsay's estranged father, former prison-yard dreamer Michael, is no exception. He says that their sexy clam-on-clam relationship is "evident to anyone with half a brain." So, there you go. Unfortunately her mother Dina and sister Ali, stars of their own Peabody shoo-in E! series Living Lohan, do not find it evident ("it's pathetic what people say," says Ali. Whatever that means.) I guess that means that, um, heh, heh, they do not have half a brain. Or, you know, the deadbeat dad just doesn't really know what's going on in his daughter's life and is left with only conjecture and speculation. Sigh. And us? We're sort of excited that Lindsay Lohan might be a lesbian (or is at least the non-college-attending equivalent of a LUG). You go, Ellen.

• Everyone was partying in the Hamptons this weekend. Molly Sims celebrated her birthday in Sag Harbor. Leo DiCaprio partied at Dune. Jeffrey Chodorow and Charlie Walk threw a dinner at the Kobe Beach Club. Even newly-convicted felon Wesley Snipes, who is free on bail, flew in to get wasted at a party in Water Mill. [Page Six]

As thrilled as we were to see Dina Lohan’s pity party come to life in a preview from Living Lohan yesterday, we truly wish those suits over at E! had picked the other guiding light in Lindsay’s life to trail around with cameras. A tipster alerted us to this clip, showing just another night out on the town (well, in a trailer) for Michael Lohan. We’re not sure which is more jarring: Michael’s impressions of both Cousin It and Dina Lohan, or the reminder that countless famewhores exist out there so desperate for fame they will venture into a trailer with Michael Lohan just hoping he’ll hire them to be Lindsay’s new BFF.

Not a day goes by without a dozen blind items stirring up rumors about the newest Hollywood heroin addict or closeted anchor with sex swings in his office, but there is one very rare kind of bold face name-less rumor that catches our eye. And it has to do with "celebrity dads," "piercings," and "nether regions." As the NY Post Just Asks this morning:

Sadly, our cinematic dreams of Britney Spears and Mel Gibson making movie magic together will remain dreams for now. The odd couple's meeting in LA over the weekend was neither a business meeting nor a date, according to a People source: "There are no expectations, there is no agenda. It's simply an act of human kindness - one neighbor reaching out to the other." Maybe it's just us, but we're not exactly sure Britney needs a life counselor who's an alleged neo-Nazi, let alone one who's fond of calling lady cops Sugar Tits. Then again, he does have two years of sobriety under his belt. That and he's surely got it a bit more together than Michael Lohan. We guess you gotta take what you can get in these trouble-laden times. [People]

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming this week that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl. As always, we demand politely beg Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch hours of Harvey Levin's babbling in order to bring you the week's best and worst moments. This week's reel includes the secrets behind Mike Myers' "informal spiritual quest" (whatever the fuck that means), Mark McGrath uttering the word "Fattergories" and the revelation of "which Hollywood hottie has THE best bod in the biz" (which, btw, is a question that comes up several times per day here at Defamer HQ). Enjoy!

Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter is apparently handing out Waverly Inn tables to anyone, as though he doesn't mind his "hot" restaurant showing up so much on has-beens portal DListed.com. Guido and Jesus freak Stephen Baldwin was just spotted coming out of the restaurant without the help of a bouncer. He followed in the footsteps of Michael Lohan, the desperate estranged father of Lindsay, and actor and drunken scooter jockey Mickey Rourke. Sure, it would be easy to blame Carter's new executive assistant for the influx of lesser celebrities, but an eventual decline for Waverly has probably been in the cards since the beginning. Maybe the naysaying food critics were right:

Michael Lohan is back and he's looking for trouble. Not only has he allegedly revealed all the prescription medications Lindsay has ever taken to In Touch, he also claims he's chosen not to view the NY Mag photo shoot because he's such a good dad. So, dare we ask, what advice does he have for his darling daughter and all the other lost souls out there? "Most of these young people shouldn't be on some of these medications, they should be getting spiritual guidance, counseling and exercise." Not only does Michael know just what's good for you, he's qualified to give out medical advice! The only difference between Michael and a real doctor? That pesky doctor-patient confidentiality thing.

• Because she is the same kind of girl we are, Jennifer Lopez found two (2) ex-boyfriends in attendance at Harvey Weinstein's wedding. That always makes it really hard to hook up behind your new husband's back, we have found! [P6]

• Britney Spears' inelegant behavior on the witness stand only netted her one night a week of visitation with her kids. [TMZ]
  

• Owen Wilson's addictions to cocaine and heroin contributed to his suicide attempt. Oh and the Kate Hudson-Dax Shepard thing can't have helped. [Us Weekly]
  

"In the yard outside his dorm, Mr. Lohan, 47, explained how he viewed his current situation. 'It's like Corinthians 5:17, 'When the Lord Jesus Christ comes into your life, the old is passed and the new is upon you,' he said." That's right: Lindsay's dad has found the Lord! Today, Spencer Morgan chronicles Michael's path to pastorhood (did you know you can take correspondence courses to be some kind of authority figure within a "faith-based sobriety program" called Teen Challenge while in prison for, uh, drinking and stuff? Wacky!) by sitting in a parked car with him and listening to him softly croon his own tragic Lindsay-themed pop songs. He's also, we learn, currently shopping a biography called 'How It All Went Down.' We have to wonder: at any time during the investigation of this piece, was Spencer Morgan deeply concerned for the fate of his own immortal soul?