Or something! The troubled artist went on a little crazy Twitter spree today, complaining that her horrible father Michael (who she just calls "Someone") used to "psychically" abuse her. We're pretty sure she meant "physically," but who knows! Here, read:

A "rock solid source" says B is knocked up. Jesse James' fourth mistress comes forward. Remember when Sandra said, if he cheated, she'd beat him with a baseball bat? Heidi Montag works on a screenplay about 3-D boobs. TGIFriday gossip.

Mrs. Pratt's bikini top overfloweth and the paparazzi goes wild. What caused the Winslet-Mendes divorce? Ashley Dupre sets her hair on fire while posing naked. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt dares to wear pants. Wednesday gossip is full of risks.

Lindsay Lohan's new (alleged) lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, is of course a crazy fameball who likes to have her picture taken with her horrible clients, like Michael Lohan. Here are some Facebook photos to that effect.

As soon as the words came out of Gerard's mouth, he regretted them. Corey Feldman defends Corey Haim. Jessica Simpson misses Tony Romo's "cute butt." Pattinson used to get beat up all the time. Thursday's gossip roundup has no filter.

Papa Lohan's acting out coincided with LiLo's "rock bottom." The search for Andrew Koenig continues. Russell Brand leaves Katy Perry "bedridden" for days. Lady Gaga wants to make babies with her stylist. Tuesday gossip is in need of a father figure.

• Marc Jacobs says he's totally over having celebrities at his fashion shows because it's boring, and the only reason Lady Gaga and Madonna turned up to his show last year was because Gaga was performing at the after-party and Madonna, well, she just showed up. "She came backstage, and I was like, 'What do you do with her now?' Because it's not like she was invited." Somewhere, Madonna is burning all of her Marc Jacobs clothing. [P6]
• Rumors have been swirling recently that Ben Affleck fell off the wagon recently and is now drinking again. (He checked himself into rehab back in 2001.) On Monday, a bearded Affleck was spotted "cruising aimlessly" at the Chateau Marmont and "looking worse for wear." Uh oh. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, has scored herself a job. A day after sitting down with Extra's Mario Lopez for an interview and now the show has hired her as its new nightlife correspondent. Just like hooker-turned-sex columnist Ashley Dupre, Uchitel is proving that you can make a big bunch of terrible decisions in life and come out ahead in the end, provided you have no shame and a burning desire to be famous. [P6]

Nuclear Wintour may be blocking SuBo from Vogue—but her motive would be pure. Rachel Uchitel gets a job, Madonna gets a new beau. Is the "oral surgery" delaying Lil' Wayne's incarceration for his grill? Wednesday gossip cometh.

• Have Madonna and Jesus Luz gone their separate ways? That's what report today indicates, suggesting it was the couple's "overall lack of mutual interests" that caused the split and it was Luz who called things off. [CST]
• Rip Torn appeared in court yesterday and was formally charged with trespassing, burglary, and possessing a firearm following his arrest over the weekend for breaking into a bank because he thought it was his own house. In all fairness, though, Torn was in rural Connecticut and the "bank" is located in a two-story colonial, so this could have been a mistake that anyone could have made, no? Maybe not. Either way, Torn is now headed to rehab upstate. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Charlize Theron recently split up with her longtime partner, Stuart Townsend, but she may already have a new man in her life: Theron was spotted in LA last week on what appeared to be a date. [P6]
• Haven't the people of Haiti suffered enough? Hot on the heels of John Travolta's trip to the devastated nation to spread Scientology to the masses and now Michael Lohan and Kate Major say they, too, are planning to head to Haiti to "help" quake victims. [Radar]

• Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show has finished shooting. So, naturally, her "relationship" with former American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis has come to an end, too. She's reportedly on the hunt for a new boyfriend, though, so if you know someone who'd a good match for the fame-obsessed socialite, do get in touch. [P6]
• Is it possible that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie planted those breakup rumors because it's Oscar season, they haven't been nominated for anything, and they wanted to make sure they remained in the spotlight? Anything's possible, right? [E!, NYDN]
• Padma Lakshmi is due to give birth next month, but she's still isn't revealing who the baby daddy is. Could it be on-again, off-again boyfriend and billionaire financier Teddy Forstmann? Or on-again, off-again boyfriend and venture capitalist Adam Dell, the younger brother of computer mogul Michael Dell? The mystery continues! [P6]
• Here's a sign of the apocalypse: Will Smith is thinking about running for president. (Yes, President of the United States.) [Popeater]

Is Kate Moss so old that this is elegant, or so young that it's ironic? Michael Lohan is in trouble with the law again. Ashley Dupre's Playboy carousing gets an ominous write-up. Suri Cruise throws an adorable tantrum. TGIFriday gossip.

HEY. Hey now. When the New York Post got themselves an advice columnist, what'd we do? We tried to help. Know what Page Six does when we get Star-reporter-turned-starfucker Kate Major as our journalism ethicist? Writes a mean, smelly diss!

George Clooney won't let Kanye be in his telethon, Kanye ruins everything. Tara Reid gets engaged to a mysterious "billionaire." Michael Lohan abandons a puppy. Diddy's kid turns Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Thursday gossip has daddy issues.

Former Star reporter Kate Major, who fell in love with Jon Gosselin, who managed to become friends with Shit Parent of the Year Michael Lohan before leaving Major, who is now letting Michael Lohan move into her place. [NYDN]

Mischa Barton walking and talking in SoHo yesterday afternoon ... Ashlee Simpson heading into the Rosa Mexicano near Union Square on Monday ... George Clooney's girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis shopping in SoHo ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her home in the West Village ... Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi leaving MTV studios in Times Square ... Blake Lively shooting scenes for Gossip Girl on Madison Avenue ... and Michael Lohan and girlfriend Kate Major ice staking at Rockefeller Center.

Jon Gosselin needs a job. Boxing needs a savior. Michael Lohan (pictured!) needs someone to fight. Do we smell the sweet aroma of cultural convergence?

• Is Tiger Woods in New York right now? Did he settle with his estranged wife by handing her a check for $300 million? In two pretty dubious stories now making the rounds, a friend of Elin Nordegren says Woods' scorned wife—who spent the holiday weekend at a French ski resort—has been telling pals she got a $300 million gift for Christmas from her estranged husband. Meanwhile, rumors also surfaced that Woods was spending the weekend holed up at New York's Trump International Hotel, where he ordered huge amounts of Red Bull and vodka and was accompanied by a "leggy blond." Alas, the paparazzi camped out outside the hotel never caught a glimpse of him and the hotel staff denied Woods was ever there. [NYDN, NYP]
• Down in St. Barts, Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich made it rain by hosting a $5 million New Year's Eve party at his $90 million estate. Beyoncé, Gwen Stefani and Prince all performed at the shindig, and the Russian mogul's party—along with fetes hosted by Larry Gagosian and Paul Allen—attracted a long list of boldface names to the island, including Jay-Z, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr, Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone, Rachel Zoe, Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman, and Russell Simmons. For her part, Lindsay Lohan spent much of the weekend aboard Abramovich's boat, where she was seen jet-skiing and shopping in a teeny bikini and ginormous wedge heels. She also sent out a rather ominous tweet on New Year's Eve: "Everyone get ready for more (but positive—LOHAN MAYHEM!!!" Sigh. [NYP, People, DM]
• According to Peter Biskind's new biography of Warren Beatty—and some "simple arithmetic" on the part of Biskind—the actor has bedded 12,775 women during his lifetime. Annette Bening must be so proud. [NYP]

Charlie Sheen's kids: staying with their mom. Michael Jackson's estate: being collected on by people worse than Joe Jackson. Alicia Keys and Arianna Huffington want places in the city. Kristen Bell gets a BAAAAW. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

As the Sheen-Mueller cycle of violence rounds another bend, we have no choice but to end the year depressingly. Tracy Morgan buys lube, Kate Hudson goes "psycho," Jonases contemplate break-up. Should auld gossip be forgot: Thursday gossip lang syne.

• Did you hear the story that made the rounds yesterday about how Tiger Woods' wife Elin whacked the golf champ in the face with a 9-iron after she discovered text messages from Rachel Uchitel, and the injuries he sustained in the aftermath (a fractured cheekbone, two cracked teeth) forced him to fly to Phoenix to have reconstructive surgery and explains why he's been out of public sight all this time? It probably isn't true, unfortunately, but it sure is an entertaining tale, isn't it? Also not true: The dubious reports that Tiger Woods has gone to rehab or is now shacking up with Rachel Uchitel, the later of which you can credit Uchitel herself with spreading as she desperately tries to cling to the spotlight. [DM, P6]
• Joe Halderman, the man accused of extorting David Letterman, has come up with a new—and very creative—defense. In a new court filing, his lawyer argues that if it isn't a crime for Tiger Woods' mistresses to seek payouts to keep their mouths shut, Halderman's attempt to get the TV host to pay him to stay silent about Letterman's flings shouldn't be a crime either. [NYDN]
• In addition to all the other horrible stuff he's accused of, Michael Lohan's ex-fiancée Erin Muller says he once beat her with a stilletto heel and "put a lit cigarette out on her scalp," too. Lohan's lawyer claims Muller is making it all up. And Michael himself has taken to Twitter to accuse Muller of drug abuse and incest. Because he's classy like that. [P6, TMZ, Twitter]
• Susan Sarandon was spotted sharing crepes with a younger guy at 2am in the Village the other night, but it wasn't Jonathan Bricklin, her ping-pong club business partner and supposed man-friend, alas. [NYDN]