Dina Lohan says Lindsay and Heath were dating at the time of his death, Jacko's funeral cost $1 million, Fergie didn't know what "cheating" meant until her therapist told her. Come, drink the sweet nectars of Wednesday gossip.

Dancing With the Stars goes from camp to pure insanity when Donny Osmond, dressed as Jacko and wearing lipstick, dances the paso doble with Cyndi Lauper within the flashing interior of a Simon Says toy while LaToya Jackson looks on.

Joe Jackson: dick, obviously. That Slumdog Millionaire kid, the theory: huge wang. Levi Johnston: famously awaited dong. Jon Gosselin, dickfore. King Bloomberg? You tell me. Paula Abdul, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Adam Duritz, DMX. Presenting your Dicktacular Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.

Self-proclaimed dermatologist to the stars Arnold Klein is not to be trusted, but he sure tells good stories, like the one about the time he rebuilt Michael Jackson's nose, and how celebrities like to pee in weird places.

Sienna Miller is happy to wear other people's underwear, Michael Jackson liked to pee into cups in public and Rihanna says her life sucked so much after she got beaten up that she might as well have been Britney!

Somewhere out there in Hollywood, there are a few dozen people who made bets that "scandal was never the way to win over audiences" kicking themselves, hard.

And you think your parents are bad? This Is It comes out this weekend. To celebrate, Joe Jackson isn't remembering his son's life. He's telling Extra that Michael Jackson's worth more dead than he is alive.

• Miramax's chief, Daniel Battsek, has been forced out of the company. [LAT]
• The Washington Post Co. reports revenue and profits were up in the third quarter, not that it had anything to do with its newspaper division. [AP]
• Sony posted a loss for its most recent quarter even though it says it's sold 9 million Michael Jackson albums since his death in June. [AP, Wrap]
• The Travel Channel may fetch $1 billion as part of a bidding war. [NYT]
• Shepard Smith is Fox News' man of reason, according to Lloyd Grove. [TDB]
• Related: Jon Stewart ripped Fox News apart again last night. [TDS]
• Will new talk shows hosted by Wanda Sykes, George Lopez, and Mo'Nique revive the late night format? Probably not, but they're going to try. [WSJ]

• Lindsay Lohan may be into boys again, at least according to the Sun, since she supposedly spent the night with a male model who she'd been seen making out with the night before and later posted a picture of her new conquest on Twitter. Whether this is a make-Sam-jealous ploy or true love is hard to say, but rest assured her dad will probably weigh in on the matter by the end of the day. [Sun]
• A brazen jewelry thief busted into Amanda Peet's Tribeca loft on Wednesday and said, "What up, bitch? I live here" to Peet's assistant when she happened to walk in on the guy. He quickly fled, but let's hope she got out a "What up, mo fo?" before he was out of earshot. [P6]
• Jessica Simpson likes "spiritual," "artistic" and "intellectual" men because she "can bore out pretty easily." And now it's totally clear why her relationship with Tony Romo didn't work out. [Extra, People]
• CNN's Lou Dobbs says he's been receiving threatening phone calls and his house was shot at due to his views on immigration. But police don't have any any record that he's reported threats in the past and they think the shot was fired by a hunter. So, per usual, Dobbs is probably just full of crap. [P6]
• Michael Jackson's dad says his son is "worth more dead than when he was alive." The world already knew that was the way he felt, of course. But no one was expecting him to come right out and say it. [NYP]

For months, the entertainment press has with its relentless hype all but guaranteed us that This Is It, the Michael Jackson rehearsal documentary would become if not the highest grossing film of all time, certainly one of the top three.

Part of Deadline Hollywood blogger Nikki Finke's pose as the only real journalist in Hollywood is her claim that everyone else just conveys spin, while she offers the truth. But her "truth" has a habit of changing.

As we draw deeper into the Circus Maximus era, the search for material goes to ever more interesting places; namely this week, rehearsal documentaries, male strip clubs and ghost videos. But we'll always have Housewives.

It's been four long months we've spent mourning the death of the self-anointed King, a life of pr exploitation which segued beautifully into an afterlife of pr exploitation. But at last it seems the parade might be winding down.

• Tom McGeveran took over as editor of the Observer after Peter Kaplan made his exit this spring, but now he's headed out the door as well. [NYO]
• Layoffs: The cuts at Condé Nast continue though they should end soon; the layoffs at Forbes this week were deep ones: 1 in 4 editorial staffers were let go.
• Newsday's website erected a pay wall today. Good luck with that. [E&P]
• The Michael Jackson movie This Is It sold $2.2 million in tickets on its opening night, which is pretty good considering it was a Tuesday. [LAT, NYT]

Michael Jackson concert film This Is It grosses $2.2 million on opening night.

Last night was the premiere of This Is It, and there were galas in 16 cities around the world. Most of them were huge, ornate affairs. Except in New York, where barely anyone noticed.

• Rosie O'Donnell told Howard Stern yesterday that she "had a chance to romance" Angelina Jolie back when they were both single and they talked on the phone a few times, but they never ended going out for dinner as planned, alas. She also says Petra Nemcova once sent her "love signals" when the model was a guest on Rosie's talk show, but she didn't capitalize on that opportunity either. Rosie has a new satellite radio show launching next week, so don't be surprised if more of these missed love connections surface in the coming days. [NYDN, CM]
• In other creepy celebrity sex news, a new book by controversial biographer Andrew Morton claims that Angelina Jolie slept with her mother's live-in boyfriend when she was 16 years old. And a second Jolie tell-all, to be published on December 1, claims Angie once contemplated suicide, has a history of heroin use, and, when it comes to her relationship with Brad Pitt, has "successfully manipulated the public into believing a glamorous fairytale that bears little resemblance to the reality of the pair's life together." [DM, Us]
• Ashley Dupre popped by Scores last Saturday night. She didn't strip, but she did make out with her new boyfriend PJ all night, so patrons of the strip club didn't go home totally empty-handed. [P6]

• Christopher Walken makes dead chicken sit up, stuffs the Eiffel Tower up its ass, and serves it with pears to discerning cat. It's all very French. [Ezra Klein]

Not sure what's weirder: that Michael Jackson had "custom fragrances" made for him which got smeared all over everyone he hugged, or that this fact warrants 48 fawning seconds in the MTV "This is it" premier special/extended advertisement currently airing.

• Nell Scovell, a writer on Dave Letterman's show in the late '80s, has stepped forward to detail the show's "hostile, sexually charged atmosphere." [VF]
• Layoffs: Yesterday's cuts at Forbes claimed 30-40 people; reality TV-focused Teen Vogue laid off half a dozen staffers today; the cuts continue this week at W; and a big round of cuts could go down at Time Inc. sometime next week.
• Sarah Palin's memoir, which comes out next month, had already earned her $1.25 million even before she stepped down as Alaska's governor. [AP]
• Michael Jackson's This Is It debuts in theaters tonight. [NYDN]
• How's Jay Leno's new show doing more than a month in? Not so good. [NYT]