Stop Us If You Think That You've Heard This One Before: We're all outta Valkyrie jokes at this point, but it is our civic duty to relay to you that the MGM building has been evacuated this morning due to a bomb threat. As you'll no doubt recall, this same thing happened last Friday and also in early August. And for those of you keeping score at home, the storied Constellation Blvd. office building has also suffered anthrax threats and an unprovoked attack of killer bees in the last two months. If you want more information, we have the email sent out to employees after the jump.——————

Not long after Poltergeist's late young star Heather O'Rourke lodged an official protest with God about MGM's forthcoming remake, we heard terrible rumors from Heaven that she was filing a follow-up about her likeness being used in a "stupid goddamn TV commercial from fucking Hell" (her words, not ours) whose makers she'd like to see Him smite even more swiftly and violently than new MGM hatchet man Vadim Perelman. Today we finally got a look at that commercial, which we really imagined couldn't be more just dirty celestial gossip made up by an ad man still bitter about OD-ing at his friend's birthday party a few weeks ago. But no — it was for real, right down to little Heather's starring role. A digital cameo in the remake is inevitably next, with her screen mother's enticements to "come to the light" met with O'Rourke's cleverly edited, product-placement-friendly resistance to approach anything that isn't Verizon's own "20db hot, true quam." Sometimes a girl just has to help herself. [DirectTV]

It feels just like old times today at MGM, where the dawn of a new, Weinstein-free era shines on the horizon and staffers are once again evacuating MGM Tower — "Running with boxes of precious scripts and screeners under my arm," in one Defamer operative's words — in the wake of yet another bomb threat. An official e-mail circulating now notes that the LAPD are en route and that, if everything checks out, operations are expected to resume around 2 p.m. We also hear that Fanboys was safely moved to an undisclosed location until Harvey arrives to pick it up after work; hopefully the worst is over. Official MGM correspondence follows after the jump. Be careful, Lions!

The three-year distribution match made in the mildly optimistic spirit of convenience between MGM and the Weinstein Company was set to expire at the end of this year, but the Lion isn't waiting around to box up the furniture. A day after Kevin Smith's associates blogged that MGM had yanked its logo from the marketing materials for Zack and Miri Make a Porno — one of the few remaining titles it planned to distribute for the Weinsteins — new reports have surfaced saying that MGM has dumped everything but the Sam Jackson/Bernie Mac effort Soul Men back on Harvey's lap. And yes, that includes The Reader, which Harvey wants for Dec. 12 despite his mortal mogul Scott Rudin's insistence otherwise. Gasp! What now?It's fairly speculative for now, with MGM reportedly acknowledging the break-up to The Business Sheet and TWC staffers cranking the Muzak lest they hear the press ringing their phone ringing off the hook. (Or, more officially, Weinstein reps were not available for comment.) What we do know is that Harvey isn't capitalized enough to market and distribute Porno, The Reader and any of the five films in between — The Road, Killshot (a recent shelf-rescue capitalizing on star Mickey Rourke's Wrestler buzz), Fanboys, Crossing Over and Shanghai — without some outside help. And that's not counting the putative Oscar campaigns planned for at least The Road and The Reader, the latter of which film's embattled '08 release (it's not even finished, for Christ's sake) is looking decreasingly likely by the day. We're also tempted to wonder what kind of hand Rudin might have had in pulling MGM's plug, but let's face it: He's too busy for sabotage, and the fraught MGM/TWC relationship didn't need him to push it over the cliff when Harry Sloan and Harvey were disintegrating just fine by themselves. Moreover, MGM has its own December delivery to worry about with UA's bumped-up Valkyrie — even more potential awards-season fodder (or so it hopes) that didn't need competition from Kate Winslet's own WWII Nazi drama. And its not like these were blockbusters; MGM did all right collecting its cut from joint releases like the $70 million sleeper 1408, but what does it lose hacking off The Road or Zack and Miri — an R-rated comedy with stick figures on the poster — at the knees? Answers are forthcoming, believe us. For know, all we really know for sure is that this totally screws up our bold prediction for Harvey's return to supremacy.

Poltergeist Enemy No. 1: After a forcefully (and surprisingly) angry appeal to God himself, late child star Heather O'Rourke is perched on the edge of her cloud bank today with an eye on Vadim Perelman, the director of self-serious melodrama including House of Sand and Fog, The Life Before Her Eyes who'll next helm MGM's planned remake of the 1982 horror/sci-fi classic Poltergeist. Production EVP Cale Boyter hours ago confirmed rumors that had been circulating since the weekend, issuing a statement saying: "We are excited to have Vadim direct Poltergeist, a title which already has a built-in movie-going audience. With his established track record, we look forward to having him lead the creative direction on this new character-based horror project that will utilize the original film as a jumping-off point." We, too, have contemplated higher, more fatal jumping-off points of our own at the thought of a remake. Still, our faith in young O'Rourke — who immortalized the original with her catchphrase "They're heeeere" before tragically passing away in 1988 — should, must win out in the end. Watch your ass, Perelman. [MGM]

Meow! Scratch! Or Something: Taking great care to namecheck Ron Grover and Nikki Finke, Sharon Waxman took MGM-sale rumormongerers to task on her blog late Monday, favoring the studio's official word that Goldman Sachs was just dropping by the office for a friendly "capitalization enhancement" lunch. Who to believe? No, really — with Waxman's industry/culture site The Wrap soon to encroach on Finke's daffy dominion, we need to know who to trust, and fast. May we propose a five-match Commissary Wrestling Tour of Hollywood? The series winner gets first right of refusal on MGM spin. David Poland officiates. Who's in? [Waxword]

• The merger market is experiencing its slowest August in 16 years. [Reuters]

After a flurry of weekend headlines further detailing the closely guarded plot to offload MGM, studio reps are firing back today with public denials that the anemic, mute, tired old Lion could soon have another new cage to laze around. And now we don't know who to believe! Is it BusinessWeek, which followed up last week's rumored Kirk Kerkorian 4.0 lowball offer with the news that Goldman Sachs is back on the scene to engineer a sale? Or is it the big, happy, skittish family at MGM HQ itself, which would require an official clarification to be issued these days even if someone said its coffee maker was broken:

(Defamer today obtained this memo currently making the rounds in Heaven's Third District, Cloud Unit G — better known as "Sesame Heaven," or the Late Child Stars Dept. Reliable afterlife sources have confirmed its authenticity; we pass it along to you without further comment.) Dear God, Hi, God, it's me, Heather O'Rourke — the little girl from Poltergeist. How's tricks? I know how busy you must be dealing with the whole Isaac Hayes thing right now (my vote: let him in!), but when you get a second, I was hoping I might ask you for just one tiny little favor. It would really mean a lot, and I've been really good all these years and haven't requested anything except for that pony, but that was, like, 20 years ago when I first got here, and you never got back to me. No probs, though, God — I'm kinda glad it didn't work out, because now I need you to do me a much more important solid: Can you please smite the people responsible for this planned remake of Poltergeist?I don't quite know how these things work; Brad Renfro told me you helped out with his dealer not too long ago, and that depending on my grievance I could get some "real fucking payback" (his words not mine, LOL). And I think I've got a pretty strong case. I'm sure you've heard about all these movies MGM is recycling — Red Dawn, RoboCop, etc. — which is all pretty tacky, if you ask me. Like, really, God, aren't there any new ideas? Then I heard this morning that they hired some writers to remake my movie Poltergeist. I couldn't believe it! We had such a good thing going back in 1982, and now they're just gonna go and unimaginatively squeeze another few dollars out of the property. I'm practically spinning in my grave! Now listen, God: I have always minded my manners and been nice to everyone, as per Your dictates. But this really ticks me off, and if everyone else down on Earth gets to bomb, rape and kill each other with impunity, I don't see why I can't just this once ask you to strike someone with lightning or cast them opposite Billy Bob Thornton or at least scare some honest-to-You sense into them. Have you seen Poltergeist, God? I mean, I know you probably anticipated a lot of the twists, but didn't we do a good job overall — good enough to be left alone, anyway? It's not like we made Short Circuit (another forthcoming remake, but that's not my problem) or anything. And frankly, God, You've already made enough trouble with the whole curse that brought me and my on-screen sister Dominique Dunne here prematurely. I think teaching these heathens a lesson would be a healthy first step in rehabilitating Your image among us. Anyway, the people at MGM are named Harry Sloan, Mary Parent and Cale Boyter. The writers' names are Stiles White and Juliet Snowden, but I guess technically it's not their fault that this is happening, so please go easy on them — maybe an extended power outage, or an erased hard drive if they dare to revive my signature line, "They're heeeeeere." I trust You to determine the punishment for the studio people, though, especially with those other perversions they've wreaked of late. In fact, if You could get Tom Cruise himself to kill this project, I promise to clean my room and make my bed and eat my vegetables as long as I... well, You know. So how about it, God? I'm really a sweet girl, but isn't enough enough? Let me know... xo, Heather PS Leroi Moore, God? Really? That's just mean.

If it's not bombs, bees and/or anthrax threatening to engulf MGM in a dense apocalyptic deathcloud, then there's always the Specter of Ownership Past to give the denizens of Constellation Drive a good mortal scare. But only if they're willing to suspend their disbelief long enough to imagine Kirk Kerkorian shuffling back into town on his black steed, blank check in one hand and studio valuation figures in the other, grinning wildly at the prospect of reclaiming the studio a fourth time in as many decades. Most observers seem to think its a scenario as likely as the anthrax contagion rumored to be puffed through MGM Tower's central A/C, but frankly, we're in love with the idea. Moreover, we're in love with the 91-year-old mogul still rocking the brass balls it takes to reportedly offer $3 billion for the studio he sold to Sony four years ago for $5 billion:

• Lehman Brothers' Dick Fuld was near a deal to raise $5 billion from South Korean investors, but negotiations broke down earlier this month. [NYP]

This Just In: Lest there be any confusion about where things stand at United Artists: "STATEMENT FROM HARRY E. SLOAN, CHAIRMAN AND CEO, METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER STUDIOS INC. — After reading erroneous reports about Tom Cruise and United Artists, I would like to clarify that we are honored that he will continue as our full partner in control of UA. He is in the middle of one of the greatest careers our industry has ever seen and one that will continue at the top of United Artists Entertainment." And yes, don't worry — the cleaning lady is staying, too. [MGM]

Yesterday brought the not-entirely-shocking bombshell that Paula Wagner would abandon her vanity-mini-major Eden—not to mention her decade-and-a-half long producing partnership with Tom Cruise—by resigning from her position as CEO of United Artists, reportedly to strike out on her own. This came after a disastrous 21 months on the job that produced a single stinker release, in what, to our knowledge, is the first studio scandal based entirely upon underspending: The reckless frugality! The gluttonous discretion! How dare she not greenlight a $75 million Will Ferrell-as-loutish-badminton-pro comedy in this depressed economic environment?But, for whatever reasons—and Paula knows what they are—the much ballyhooed $500 million Merrill Lynch credit line went unspent, causing an increasingly nervous MGM chairman/UA remote-overlord Harry Sloan to enact a contingency coup that resulted, directly or indirectly, in a flurry of executive resignations culminating in Wagner's own. The once-moribund UA now returns to the comfortable, ghoststudio stasis in which it stagnates best. But what of the real issue now at hand—and by that we mean What This Means for Tom, and By Extension All of Hollywood, and By Further Extension Every Single One of Us? Cruise's trajectory lately has been, for lack of a better metaphor, not unlike a Tori Spelling dinner party; it started out promising enough—some nice notices for his over-the-top, Scott Rudin-esque (whoever keeps comparing it to Sumner Redstone hasn't seen the movie) turn in Tropic Thunder—but ended with the actor seated squarely on the career crapper, surrounded by yes-men applauding his every movement. You know the beats: The curious case of Edwina A. Salt. The Scientology racketeering lawsuit. The whispers that he personally—personally!—pressed a pillow onto Isaac Hayes's face in his sleep when he found out the singer planned on donating none of his $750 Sunset Junction earnings to the Church. Here's MGM's press release on the split, followed by Wagner's own statement:

In November 2006, MGM handed Tom Cruise the keys to a gleaming, custom-refurbished United Artists, and, with a $500 million credit line for fuel, instructed the giddy superstar to take his longtime producing sweetheart Paula Wagner on the ride of a lifetime. Two years later, the duo managed to journey to one place only—Turkeyvania—with a release slate consisting of Lions For Lambs, and the soon-to-bomb Valkyrie. (Even sooner than expected! It's just been announced that its release date has been moved back two months to December 26th, either shortening its suffering, or lengthening ours, depending on how you look at it.) Yesterday came news of EVP of production Jeff Kleeman's departure after just 11 months, leaving no one at the company but Cruise, Wagner, an assistant fully engrossed in the latest OK!, and a cleaning woman chasing after Nazi-eyepatch-dotted tumbleweeds rolling through the hallways. Variety is now reporting that the trigger-shy Wagner "is in talks with MGM to leave her post," a departure Deadline Hollywood Daily explains was something of an inevitability:

Apocalypse Commences at MGM Tower: A brave reader sends word and photographic evidence of the third — and by far the most real yet — safety crisis to grip the Century City landmark in the last week: Bees! "They have not yet shut down the building, but the front entrance is now closed due to a swarm of bees huddling over and around their queen," we're told. We're not sure if this is at all connected to the Tower's bomb-y, anthrax-y week of living dangerously, or if perhaps it's just a late public rally in support of UA's beleaguered Paula Wagner, but in any event, we once again advise caution to those working at or visiting the site. And, of course, insert your "Finally — buzz at MGM!" joke here.

We aren't sure if Nikki Finke has confused the continuing exec exodus from United Artists with just another routine bomb and/or anthrax threat, but either way, the 11th floor at MGM Tower is clearing out again: Jeff Kleeman is reportedly evacuating his office as Executive Vice President of Production after less than a year on the job at UA. His departure follows marketing boss Dennis Rice's own flight earlier this summer and an abbreviated period during which Kleeman oversaw the development and/or production of exactly no finished films. Factor in the continuing limbo of Valkyrie, its deep (if closed) pockets and a tense relationship with its partners at MGM, and we can't help but ask once again: Does Tom Cruise, Paula Wagner or any of the skeleton crew left over there actually have a plan for this studio?Look at it this way: If you had $500 million of Wall Street's money waiting to be spent on a few Tom Cruise projects, or maybe on some of these comic-book adaptations we hear are doing OK these days, or even on an annual $30 million rom-com that will land snugly and profitably among the summer doldrums, how fast could you greenlight four to six projects a year? Finke's sources say Wagner herself is the "problem" — as in she, not Cruise, stands to lose the most from a third, fourth or fifth UA project facing the kind of backlash drawn by Lions For Lambs and Valkyrie (the first of which, it bears noting in fairness, actually made money). We sympathize, to a point, but at some point you've just got to pull the trigger — figuratively, of course. After last week's drama, if we heard a gunman was loose in the building, we'd probably give up, too. [Photo Credit: Variety]

This is turning out to be the week that was at MGM, where the studio celebrated Harry Sloan's recent re-upping with a bomb threat, a building evacuation and now, according to officials, a good old-fashioned anthrax scare inside MGM Tower. We hear the threat came in more than two hours ago, but MGM staff was only officially notified at 11:40. No mandatory evacuations are taking place during the investigation, though staffers have been advised, "If you feel uncomfortable remaining at the Tower you may leave upon notification to your Supervisor." Century City is the new Gotham — who knew? Follow the jump for the official e-mail making the rounds, and stay tuned for updates here as events warrant... Developing...

A quick survey of informants drunkenly furloughed next door at the Pink Taco have confirmed that MGM Tower was not — we repeat, not — blown to bits after a reported bomb threat earlier this morning. In fact, we hear that work resumed on site within the last hour after a building search turned up nothing. One tipster sends word that "the receptionist who took the call couldn't tell whether it was a young boy or young girl," instantly suggesting a relatively tame prank that nevertheless shook the very souls (or whatever amounts to the ICM equivalent) of the tower's tenants. Follow the jump for the official all-clear, plus a brief anthology of survivor stories from the front.

And we don't mean Valkyrie: Word into Defamer HQ reveals that a bomb threat has been received by multiple tenants at MGM Tower, indicating that "the device would be activated at noon." The LAPD has been notified, evidently, but with the threat having yet to be verified, the building superintendents are reportedly evacuating the building from 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. We hear ICM is out already. Follow the jump for the full memo, and best wishes to those affected in Century City. Developing...

Call us skeptics, cynics, whatever, but we're far more interested in the rumors circling MGM's RoboCop reboot than anything in the film itself. A few weeks ago we checked out whispers that director Darren Aronofsky was at the top of the short list to helm the film, which has a 2010 release date; his reps denied it ("But Darren's flattered!" we were assured), but alas, the chatter persists, with yet another report circulating this week that the studio is close to signing Aronofsky for the project — which, as if it's any consolation, is reportedly a sequel, not an updating.