Yesterday, Donald Trump released a video attempting to refute the fraud charges levied against the scam formerly known as Trump University. But rather than offer any real answers, Trump’s video only raises more questions. Specifically, why can’t purported billionaire Donald Trump afford better sound equipment?

In metaphor news today, a New York City man dressed as the Statue of Liberty was arrested for “aggressive begging.”

In a stunning approximation of human behavior, Karlie Kloss-lover Taylor Swift revealed via Yahoo! livestream today that she made a new album. A "pop" album. The first single, which we can only assume was turned down by Avril Lavigne, is called "Shake It Off."

The opinion section of the Wall Street Journal, bastion of virile American traditionalism, wanted a metaphor for how thoroughly President Obama had been humiliated by the Supreme Court's limitation on recess appointments. You know what is really humiliating? When there's a sports contest and one sports-person fails to sport at all. Behold the feeble Mr. Obama, trying to throw the base-ball for points, only to have the justices unanimously refuse to hit him any points. "Obama pitches a shutout"! What a bad ball-pitcher he is!

Barack Obama's press conference today wasn't just about a couple of scandals and whatever's happening in Syria or Turkey. It was actually a metaphor, or a series of metaphors. Jessica Yellin knows this, because she was there, and she saw God punish Obama's lies with His rain.

Maybe the most exciting story of the last few years is the increasingly prominent voice of a traditionally powerless and voiceless group: the super-rich. No longer content to stand by the wayside as the president begs them to contribute a slightly higher percentage of their massive incomes while they enjoy record-breaking profits, the super-rich have finally stood up to the middle-class and, with the typically astute metaphorical skill of the Wall Street billionaire, compared themselves to violently oppressed and abused people. And piñatas.

Advertising isn't just a matter of putting a picture of your product up on the screen. It's a subtle psychological process of associating your product with the most powerful and appropriate metaphor. Not just blow jobs; cum-guzzling, also. Masterful. [Copyranter]

In an Esquire article entitled "Why President Obama Will Never Be Barack Obama Again," news dramatist Tom Junod gets a case of the vapors while lamenting Tuesday's election results. Let us fan him while Harry Reid fetches smelling salts.

Baby-making teen role model Bristol Palin was too busy shimmying to vote: "I did not send in my absentee ballots to Alaska. I'm going to be in trouble. Sorry, mom!"

The Way We Live Now: dancing naked. Forever, hopefully! Of course we know that the music stops eventually. But before it does, we need a new house, a new portfolio, and a new economy. And junk food, on a train.

Congratulations, Gays! Your problems are over now that Lady Gaga held a rally in favor of repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell. Equality, she says, is the 'prime rib of America,' and everyone deserves to wear a "meat dress".

Wow, just a really awful metaphor choice here from insane crazy person Sharron Angle, Harry Reid's Senate opponent. She believes girls raped by their fathers shouldn't be able to have abortions; instead, they should turn "lemon situation[s] into lemonade."

Have you been watching Elena Kagan and some senators trade canned platitudes about The Law this week? Yeah, same here. But let's give Kagan credit for getting senators to stop comparing justices to "umpires" who call "balls and strikes."

Bulwer-Lytton prize! Bulwer-Lytton prize! They announced the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton prize for bad writing! Ha, "we didn't win," although there is always next year. Click through for some bad writing to treasure forever, like a beloved dog's cremated genitals.

As you are probably aware, the stock market today fell faster than a newborn foal on roller-skates, then rebounded like Shaq on stilts. No, that's not right. Can we think of a better metaphor for what happened today than "roller-coaster?"

The Daily Beast appears to have published the most mixed metaphor of all time.

When an apocalypse-themed movie rakes in truckloads of money, no copy editor on Earth, looking to top to a weekend tallies story, could withstand the temptation of the epic cataclysm metaphor waiting for them tied up with a box .

This image (and video!) would be our NYT layoff-watch logo if the paper allowed embedding.

The Way We Live Now: With politics superseded by reality. Ideology's fine when everyone has jobs and homes and enough cash for Crispy Chik'n Wraps, but those days are gone. Tear down the border fence! And sell it for scrap!

Back in 2005, John Roberts said his job as a justice was "to call balls and strikes," like in baseball. This was the most insidious statement ever uttered by a SCOTUS nominee, as today's Sotomayor hearing showed.