Mustachioed simpleton Thomas Friedman today writes about a survey showing that successful students have mentors with "a real interest in their aspirations." For Thomas Friedman's daughter's college roommate, that mentor is clearly Thomas Friedman.

Step 1: Choose someone you admire, someone who is NOT an out-of-touch egomaniac who refers to herself as "The Brain" and thinks people should give her cash gifts everytime she forwards an email, and politely ask for a meeting.

Rajeev Motwani, a computer science professor who mentored Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Stanford, was found dead in the pool of his Atherton, California home. He was 47.

"On Sunday, June 29," the web-blurb legend goes, "Shootout aired a 'Best of' episode on Summer Blockbusters. Guests Jon Favreau, Michael Bay, and Brett Ratner shared their experiences working on major summer spectaculars." And so it was written, and so it should come to pass, that through the magic of repackaging, three of Hollywood's most venerated fauxteurs should share reminiscences and insights with Variety's Peter Bart and Peter Guber. Highlighted above, an exchange with Transformers director and unwitting spondylitis spokesperson, Michael Bay: Acknowledging Bart's observation that he was born into box-office brothels, Bay goes on to pay loving tribute to shlock-piloting cicerones Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. (Note their imposing, circa-Days of Thunder publicity-shot in high-contrast B&W.) Without them, not a single extraneous helicopter explosion or lingering shot of Megan Fox's ass-crack would ever have been possible.

On today's Martha Stewart Show, unstoppable party juggernaut Lindsay Lohan—who could not even be slowed by a pricey, totally unnecessary outpatient rehab program—finally lets her defenses down (once Martha gets you into her kitchen and has you whipping up profiteroles, you're fucking toast) and reveals the one person who could possibly end her reign of clubbing terror: Georgia Rule co-star Jane Fonda. As reassuring as it is to discover that there's at least one authority figure the troubled actress might actually listen to, we fear that new ET correspondent Dina Lohan might be so deeply hurt that she might use her next Rule assignment to hunt down Fonda for an ugly confrontation, grabbing a fistful of the older actress's hair and screaming, "So, now you're trying to steal my meal ticket, you commie bitch? Don't fuck with a mom from Strong Island with nothing to lose!," a tussle during which a peacemaking Cojo tragically loses an eye to Dina's wildly flailing fingernails.