Incredibly, the fecal proclivities of the wife of a presidential candidate are a matter of public record because there is nothing sacred to Donald Trump. So, with a quiet scream, let’s see what he has to say.

The future First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump, does not give many interviews. She’s spoken out so little during her husband Donald’s campaign, in fact, that yesterday the Associated Press published an entire profile of the woman that hangs on a few words she once uttered on an episode of The Apprentice.

The desperate deluxe Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort in gross glamorous Atlantic City features the best of everything, naturally. But now guests at Donald Trump's vomit-tinted Xanadu can look as great as the Taj makes them feel, as the hotel is awarding a $25,000 plastic surgery gift certificate to one lucky card player, good for "mix and match surgeries, including breast enhancements, tummy tucks, liposuction and face lifts." But why go so run-of-the-mill, when you could instead use that money to have the hair from a giraffe's nutsack grafted directly onto your scalp, which you might then style in a fetching, comb-forwarded fashion that's sure to excite your mail-ordered, Slovenian succubus bride? You do deserve the best, after all. [AP, photo via Getty]

Classy American racist Donald Trump is enjoying his post-almost-presidency repose the way any exceedingly wealthy titan of industry would: By trying to peddle cheesy photos of himself and his family to tabloids for $20,000.

"Donald has beautiful legs... Very long and beautifully shaped legs." — Donald Trump's current wife Melania, explaining how her husband could always slut his way into the Oval Office if necessary.

[Melania Trump on whether she'd live here on a $35,000 salary, to New York magazine's Daily Intel. Image via Getty.]

Here's a funny/sad profile of Melania Trump, the Donald's third wife who is launching a QVC costume jewelry line. While her step-daughter Ivanka has a high-end luxury jewelry line, Melania's designs are decidedly downmarket. They're for the people, y'know. [NYT]

• Alex Rodriguez's plan to bed every woman in Hollywood continues apace. The Yankee and Cameron Diaz are now hooking up, according to OK!, although now that the news is out, he's probably already moved on to someone new. Which is too bad, really, since RodDiaz has a nice ring to it. [OK!]
• Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, was charged with involuntary manslaughter yesterday. (He pleaded not guilty and faces up to four years behind bars if convicted.) At the arraignment, prosecutors asked that Murray's medical license be revoked, but a judge turned down the request, so if you've been wondering what it's like to get pumped up with propofol, you still have time. [NYP, TMZ]
• It's been a busy week for Angelina Jolie. Yesterday she and Brad Pitt said they plan to sue Britain's News of the World for reporting that they're planning to divorce. And today she's off to Haiti to meet with earthquake victims, since they've been requesting her help—or so she says. [Us, PE]
• She may have spent every episode of Jersey Shore whining about not having a boyfriend, but Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi seems to have landed the man of her dreams: a "typical guido juicehead with a good personality," who also has waxed eyebrows, double-pierced ears, and a penchant for Ed Hardy. [NYDN]
• Despite recent reports that Donald and Melania Trump are having marriage troubles, The Donald says "all is well." Then again he said the same thing when his casinos were going bankrupt and his real estate holdings were imploding, so you may want to take his denial with a grain of salt. [People]

A reader asks: "Why does Melania Trump look so unhappy all the time?" Good question! We'd never really noticed it before, but Donald Trump's third wife (and the mother of his fifth child) does look pretty miserable in most photos. Maybe this is to be expected when you realize that despite the lavish lifestyle you lead and all the material possessions you've accumulated, you're still married to Donald Trump? An attempt by the Slovenian-born ex-model to look sexy? We have no clue, but some photographic evidence of Melania's misery is below. And if you have something you'd like us to look into, feel free to let us know.

So everyone in fashion is eagerly awaiting the release of the Anna Wintour/Vogue documentary, The September Issue, one of the most important pieces of cinema ever made, and naturally, the film's premiere will be a high-profile event. But who's invited?

Jared Kushner learns quick. And he's going to blend into the Trump family just fine. WWD reports today that the engagement ring he gave Ivanka was from Ivanka's own collection, a 5.22 cushion cut diamond that's "proprietary" to Ivanka Trump Fine Jewelry™. Ivanka will now serve as a living, breathing ad for her engagement ring line (as well as benefit from the press attention that follows). And Jared—hopefully!—managed to knock a few bucks off the price thanks to this most personal connection. Most importantly:

The snowstorm didn't stop art and society scenesters from stopping off at the New York Academy of Art on Monday night. Guests at the Tribeca Ball included Liev Schreiber, Justin Timberlake, and event co-chair Eileen Guggenheim (left), along with Bill Clinton, Andre Balazs, Andy and Kate Spade, Adam Weinberg, Jason Wu, Nicole Miller and Kim Taipale, Monet Mazur, Alek Wek, Bettina Zilkha, Poppy de Villeneuve, Jennifer Creel, Jean-Pierre Roy, Ludwig Kuttner and Beatrix Ost, stylist Ric Pipino, Heather Mnuchin, Liam McMullan, Antoine and Maureen Chiquet, and artist Will Cotton. [PMc, Wireimage, VF, FWD, Style.com]

Kristin Davis, whose Wicked Models escort agency counted former governor Eliot Spitzer as a client, thinks Britney Spears could earn $1,000 an hour in the world's oldest profession.

♦ Alexander Wang was the big winner at Monday night's fifth-annual CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund awards at Skylight Studios. Wang and fellow nominees like Richard Chai, Jason Wu, Lisa Mayock and Sophie Buhai, Irene Neuwirth, Alejandro Ingelmo, Juan Carlos Obando, Albertus Swanepoel, Swaim and Christina Hutson, and John Patrick were feted by John Galliano (left, with Charlize Theron), Anna Wintour, Diane von Furstenberg, Sally Singer, Andrew Rosen, Reed Krakoff, Jeffrey Kalinsky, Julie Gilhart, Julie Macklowe, Daphne Guinness, Sasha Heinz, Tory Burch and Lyor Cohen, Andre Leon Talley, Narciso Rodriguez, Maria Sharapova, Penn Badgley, Zac Posen, Vera Wang, Chanel Iman, Juliette Lewis, Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman, Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo, Lauren Santo Domingo, Peter Som, Piper Perabo, Phillip Lim, Lazaro Hernandez, Maggie Betts, Calvin Klein, Damon Dash and Rachel Roy, and James Franco. [PMc, NYO, Style.com, The Daily]

Two weeks ago the news surfaced that Viacom chief Sumner Redstone and his second wife, Paula Fortunato, were divorcing after five years of marriage. Much was made of Redstone and Fortunato's 39-year age gap and the couple's pre-nup, which will provide Fortunato with a $5 million fortuno for the five years she spent by the not-so-healthy billionaire's side. But she's hardly the only one who has been married to someone who could easily pass for her father or granddad. After the jump, a list of famous New York couples and their equally famous age gaps.

Regis Philbin leaving the Reebok Sports Club on the Upper West Side ... Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise walking into the playground at Chelsea Piers ... Melania Trump with son Barron in Central Park ... Lindsay Price filming a Lipstick Jungle scene ... Tyra Banks posing with the models from Vogue Italia's all-black issue on a sidewalk in Chelsea ... The Jonas Brothers filming a music video in Central Park ... and Paris Hilton and Benji Madden getting out of a taxi downtown.

Angelina Jolie might think her new twins are pretty special now that she's earned a cool $14 million for the photo rights. But there are plenty of New York socialite moms who think their kids are pretty important, too. Will any of these kids turn into the Tinsley Mortimer or Peter Davis of 2025? Take you best guess at who these little youngsters are related to, then click through for the answers.

• Russell Simmons lost $15,000 worth of jewelry last Saturday after an employee left a suitcase full of his bling in the hallway of a Bleecker Street apartment building for 30 minutes. The mogul's reps deny the jewels were even his—they say the stolen merch belonged to the employee—but either way, the NYPD is on the case. [Page Six]

Melanija Trump (née Knavs) left Ljubljana at the age of 19 to pursue a modeling career in Europe and in the mid-'90s made her way to the States and embarked on a modest-but-steady career posing for lad mags. In 1999, she had the honor and privilege of meeting Trump for the first time. It wasn't until 2004, though, that the couple announced plans to marry Melania's wedding to Trump, held at Trump's Mar-A-Lago resort in Palm Beach in January 2005, was handled with the modesty and lack of ostentation that are Trump's trademark. She spawned Barron Trump-her first child, Donald's fifth-in March of 2006. [Image via Getty]

Pity poor rich lady Sloan Barnett. All she did was ask a totally reasonable question— "What can we actually do to make a difference on Earth Day besides buying a Prius?" and answer herself with a totally reasonable answer. She is buying the environmentally friendly products made by a company called Shaklee, which her husband and others recently bought for $310 million. "This is the grass-roots way to help save the world," Barnett told the guests at her Shaklee party, who included Melania Trump, Jessica Seinfeld, and the Times' Ruth La Ferla. One of those ladies kept butting her nose in people's business and asking pesky questions, however!