Man Consumes Alcohol, Drives Car [DrudgeReport]

Pity poor Mel Gibson, who invested millions of dollars for the safety and privacy afforded by a mansion in a gated section of one of Southern California's most exclusive neighborhoods, only to have white trash move in next door and destroy his property values:

It's at moments like this that Oscar attendees really start cursing the fact that it's a cash bar this year: Mel Gibson has revealed to Time magazine that he will be appearing on the Oscars, cleverly keeping the ABC censors on their toes and the audience in the dark by speaking only in the language of the ancient Mayans:

Mel Gibson, perhaps suffering from the elevated sense of entitlement that follows being showered up to one's neck in fuck-you money reaped from the pockets of morbidly curious audiences who flocked to your pet Messiah snuff project, is now using his considerable God-anointed (and lawyer assisted) powers to shut down a critical blog called Mel's Musings. From his lawyers' letter:

Here's lovably starstruck little brother Defamer on Tuesday, joking about the forthcoming ABC Holocaust miniseries from Holocaust-denier Mel Gibson:

Imagine our surprise when the Hard, Cutting blog pointed out that a just-insane-enough-to-be-true joke we wrote about Mel Gibson's instantly controversial Holocaust project (and we self-quote: "While the baldfaced grab for controversy might seem utterly crass to us, ABC was powerless against the visionary Gibson’s breathtaking pitch for the miniseries’ climactic scene, a Braveheart-style battle with thousands of Jewish and Nazi combatants rushing at each other across an open field.") suddenly became, well, just insane enough to be reported as fact (and verbatim, no less) in a story by the Rupert Murdoch-owned The Australian:

If a major broadcast network were to undertake a miniseries about a sensitive subject like, say, the Holocaust, you would assume that if they partnered up with the son of a notorious Holocaust denier (and who also directed Passion of the Christ, a film that many considered anti-Semitic), they'd be doing so for a compelling and principled reason, right? So tell us, ABC, what was the high-minded explanation for Mel Gibson's potentially explosive involvement in such a project?

· Someone at Comedy Central finally asks, "Hey, what happened to the stuff we paid for before Dave Chappelle ran out on us?" and now plans to air the bits and pieces of Chappelle's Show's aborted third season sometime in 2006, both online and on TV. Among the highlights is the eerily prescient sketch, "Dave Takes Comedy Central's Money and Flees For Some Chill-Out Time in South Africa," starring, of course, the ghost of Rick James. [Variety]
· Fox confirms that a Fantastic Four sequel is a go. They boldly plan a July 4, 2007 release—at least until another studio comes along and stakes out the holiday weekend for its bigger, better blockbuster, at which time FF 2 will be rescheduled for February of 2008. [THR]
· Mel Gibson's newly established Con Artists Productions sets up four TV projects, three of which are legal dramas—one invoking LA Law, one recalling Moonlighting, and one also incorporating medical drama, which we will refer to as an Night Court/St. Elsewhere hybrid, just to cover all the 80s television bases. [Variety]
· ABC greenlights a comedy pilot from Ed producers Rob Burnett and Jon Beckerman. which replaces lovable, do-gooding schlump Tom Cavanaugh with lovable, wants-to-rob-a-celebrity schlump Donal Logue. [THR]
· Bravo broadens its horizons to include programs that people actually might want to watch. [Variety]

Perhaps it's time to consider soberly the possibility that Mel Gibson's been driven insane by the astounding financial rewards derived from pouring his heart into a snuff film about his savior, The Passion of the Christ. The now dramatically bearded Gibson (think Saddam Hussein with a better stylist) is not only directing in tongues on a full-time basis, but holds press conferences in which he suspiciously withholds details about his newest movie, but generously touches on his heroic battles with diarrhea. The LAT passes along this nugget about Gibson's gastrointestinal distress on the set of Apocalypto:

The next three films Mel Gibson has in development feature only Dutch Creole, Esperanto and Mbariman-Gudhinmese dialogue respectively, but until then we'll have to settle for just plain old ancient Mayan:

Sitting down with the Associated Press at the Toronto Film Festival back in September to promote his new movie Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, Robert Downey Jr., the poster boy for drug abuse, made one thing crystal clear:

Look, when you've got $600 million of Passion of the Christ fuck-you money, you can make a black-and-white documentary about nymphomaniac donkeys overdubbed in Klingon if you feel like it. If anything, Mel Gibson's choice to go Mayan feels a little bit safe.

· Disney gets the domestic distribution rights to Mel Gibson's next directing project, the super-secret period action flick Apocalypto. Details of the plot are under tight wraps, but it's believed that it doesn't involve the Messiah getting his ass kicked for two hours. Gibson's really stepping out of his comfort zone on this one. [Variety]
· Half Pint chooses not to run for a third term as SAG president, opening the field to Chandler's Mom and The Guy Married To Marg Helgenberger. [THR]
· Some might say that Guy Pearce is too handsome to play Harry Houdini, but not the producers of Death-Defying Acts. Since the project is "based" on true events from the escape artist's life, no one should mind prettying up the dude a little bit. [Variety]
· Just in time for the premiere of Hustle & Flow, Paramount throws some first-look deal cash at director Craig Brewer and producing partner Stephanie Allain. We know the studio already paid a huge price for H&F, but shouldn't they wait to see the weekend grosses before giving them any more money? We're just sayin'. [THR]
· UPN head Dawn Ostroff would like to remind everyone that big sister CBS passed on the buzzed-about Everybody Hates Chris, so everyone should stop saying that the show belongs on the real network, OK? Someone from Viacom really needs to give her a hug and reassure her no one's going to steal her baby, unless it becomes a hit. [Variety]

The drifter who was accused of stalking Mel Gibson was sentenced to three years of hard time, leaving the action star and his family free to pray in peace:

· Mick Jagger's ex-wives, Bianca Jerry and Jerry Hall, are giving moral support to Saddam Hussein and defending Pete Townshend, respectively. [Page Six]
· Hipster magnet Paul Sevigny is throwing parties every Thursday in the Red Room at The Park. (Note to self: Avoid The Park on Thursdays.) [Page Six]
· CNN anchor Anderson Cooper's mom is Gloria Vanderbilt. [Page Six]
· Bill Clinton spotted at Dylan's Candy Bar. (Insert tasteless joke.) [Page Six]
· Mel Gibson says he's being harrassed by a "reputable paper"reportedly, the New York Times. [Page Six]
· "Insiders" say Jerry Levin's having a meltdown and speculate that soon-to-be ex-wife Barbara, who "didn't see [the divorce] coming," will extract a tidy sum from her soon-to-be ex-husband's portfolio. [Cindy Adams]
· Pete Townshend may have inspired the Raelian cult; Mariel Hemmingway talks about her uncle's strange death; and the Queen wears trousers. [NY Daily News]