It was supposed to have been a bittersweet and quietly contemplative week for Glenn Beck, whose final Fox News Channel show aired today. Of course, all that was derailed by that senseless incident at Bryant Park, when his entire family was swept away by a wave of Cabernet Sauvignon released from a crop duster by an insane liberal. (Or else a plastic cup of wine tipped over. Reports were conflicting.)

Since we happened across a nice-sized sample of Roger Ailes' handwriting on this 15-page Nixon-era blueprint for what would eventually become Fox News Channel, we thought we'd engage the services of a handwriting analyst to see if his signature offered a view into his black, black heart.

In your pleasant Thursday media column: Mark Halperin's Obama's-a-pussy flashback, Ashton Kutcher vs. the Village Voice, Greta Van Susteren calls for more outrage, an angry subject sues David Grann, and Brits are coming for you news.

Republican media strategist Roger Ailes launched Fox News Channel in 1996, ostensibly as a "fair and balanced" counterpoint to what he regarded as the liberal establishment media. But according to a remarkable document buried deep within the Richard Nixon Presidential Library, the intellectual forerunner for Fox News was a nakedly partisan 1970 plot by Ailes and other Nixon aides to circumvent the "prejudices of network news" and deliver "pro-administration" stories to heartland television viewers.

The Federal Election Commission gets it — Stephen Colbert is punking them. But they treated his request for an advisory opinion like anyone else, and on Thursday granted him the ability to form a "super PAC" and have his parent company Viacom pay for most of the costs of the PAC's activities without having to disclose most expenditures as in-kind donations.

Last month ABC News' Diane Sawyer traveled to the decimated town of Joplin, Mo., to anchor World News in the wake of those horrible tornadoes. The brilliant Harry Shearer managed to catch some behind-the-scenes footage of an anxious, tentative, and confounded Sawyer huddling in a shawl against oncoming storms with the destroyed suburbs at her back as her crew frantically attempts put together a broadcast. It's a short Beckett play, about America, called "I Have Nothing."

Mark Halperin, the always-wrong journopundit who serves as a frequent MSNBC talking head, was on Morning Joe this morning—where, naturally, he was whining about how mean the president was to the simpering DC press corps during his press conference yesterday. "Are we on the seven second delay? I wanted to characterize how I thought the president behaved," said Halperin, setting up what you knew would be one whopper of a funny joke.

How do you write an "investigative" piece about inflated sex trafficking numbers and almost entirely undermine yourself? Village Voice Media shows us a few ways with its cover story this week. [Jezebel]

In your beautiful Wednesday media column: MSNBC's doing fine without Olbermann, network news is on the rise, a crazy NY Daily News rumor, the AP plays footsie with North Korea, David Cho to Grantland, and a Village Voice strike update.

Rumors of MySpace selling for scrap were correct: The dying social network has been sold to the advertising network Specific Media for $35 million, according to All Things Digital. Remember, News Corp. paid $580 for the site in 2005.

Did you hear? Glenn Beck got jumped by a pack of ravenous urban liberals last night! Or did a drunk person just accidentally spill wine on his wife? You be the judge.

In your hazy Tuesday media column: a few more people are trusting the media, Paste Magazine returns, the New York Times Co. eyes the education industry, a Village Voice strike threat looms, and Dan Balz stays put.

New York Times media guy David Carr is in big trouble for going on Bill Maher's HBO show and making a joke about how Kansas, Missouri, and other "middle places" are "the dance of the low sloping foreheads." (That means "dumb," for anyone reading in Kansas or Missouri.)

Well, this is embarrassing: News Corp. will probably sell MySpace for less than a tenth of what it paid for the social network, and for less than a third of its stated minimum bid. And, yes, big layoffs are coming.

We hear MySpace's Southern California offices are thick with rumors that the social network is planning some serious bloodletting this week. Scary as that sounds, some employees are apparently looking forward to the layoffs.

Emily Guendelsberger, an editor at The Onion's AV Club in Philly, was walking along with seven friend Saturday night when they ran into a group of teenagers (between 20 and 40 of them, according to different sources). And teens being teens, they attacked everyone for no reason, including Guendelsberger, who was knocked down and had her leg broken. She says that a bunch of girls came to her defense when they realized how badly she was hurt, so that's a bonus. Still, this only strengthens our longstanding support for a policy of incarcerating all Philadelphia-area teens between the hours of 8 p.m. tonight and 9 a.m. on July 27, 2014.

In your loving Monday media column: Howie Kurtz sticks up for Ed Henry, Brian Stelter gets a book deal, Erik Wemple launches his blog, the NYT profiles the media's most already-profiled people, and the royal wedding saves magazines, momentarily.

Brad Woodard from Houston's KHOU went to cover the fire at an oil storage tank, but the smoke seen billowing on camera wasn't just from the fire, it was coming from Woodard's mouth as well. When the camera cut to him, he was still smoking a cigarette.

Russell Simmons initially got famous by starting up Def Jam, a hip hop label that was, believe it or not, dynamic and countercultural. And cool! That was a long, long time ago. What is Russell up to today? Oh, just defending Fox News chief Roger Ailes (again):

In your cloudy Friday media column: a journalist murdered in Brazil, the latest Matt Taibbi uproar, Timesmen are momentarily glamorous, Gay Talese's reading material is so Gay, Newsweek's big positive news, and an illustrated NYT paywall hack.