Hey, look, Matt Drudge did something nice for the entire country: He ended the Democratic primary, even though it was supposed to continue until eternity. See the picture and headline at left, which ran atop Drudge Report tonight. Drudge's link went to a video of Meet The Press anchor Tim Russert calmly explaining to America that "we now know who the Democratic nominee is going to be" and that Hillary Clinton is probably about to quit (she cancelled her TV appearances and everything!). Then David Gergen, the Bill Clinton aide turned talking head, said on CNN the election is over, partly because Chelsea looked sad during Hillary's last speech. "You could see the anguish on her face," Gergen said. "I think the Clinton people know the game is almost up." Remaining voters, politely thank your media overlords for deciding the election on your behalf. Clips of Russert and Gergen, and a bigger pic of the Drudge page, after the jump.

Weather Channel anchor Bob Stokes is being accused by a former on-air colleague, Hillary Andrews, of being a sexually harassing, stalkerish jerk. For an extended period of time. Andrews says that Stokes harassed her predecessor out of a job, and then began harassing Andrews even harder, constantly hitting on her and asking her inappropriate questions; i.e., "Will you lick my swizzle stick?" Andrews is now suing Stokes, and two highlights from her court documents are below, describing some of Stokes' conduct. Also, a bonus clip: a colleague forgetting Stokes' name, on-air. Maybe she blocked him out of her mind.

The Photoshop Monster never sleeps. In March we brought you possibly the five worst Photoshop distortions ever. But it's clear that lessons have not been learned among those who wield the program's horrific power. Must all consumers be forced to live in a world in which perspective and continuity do not exist? It doesn't seem fair. After the jump, five more abominations of our modern media world, culled from the multitudes at the Photoshop Disasters blog.

Jordan Carlos, the comedian we once touted as a possible candidate for the Saturday Night Live Barack Obama impersonation position (Lorne Michaels didn't agree, obviously), is getting tired of being pigeonholed as a black comedian without a steady job in television. Although he does have that gig playing Stephen Colbert's black friend. He's been on the NYC comedy scene for years now, and he feels he's not getting the respect he deserves. Specifically, he's a little peeved that the NBC show 30 Rock ripped off his own character idea, and that the Daily Show is one big exclusive white person club!

Cary Tennis: Your Source For Stone Cold Crazy Advice. The Salon advicemonger and generally confused and confusing man today receives a sincere question from a girl about her hard-partying friend, who gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriend, most recently by having "consensual, unprotected sex with one of the Marines" that she met on a night out. What should she do to help her friend? Cary Tennis makes sure she regrets that she ever asked that question. Because Cary Tennis can read her friend's mind:

What do you do when you need to find some good stars for your upcoming porn film, but are too cheap to put a free ad on Craigslist? Hang a flier on a pole in Bushwick, of course. And to maximize responses, just leave space at the bottom for everyone interested in starring in your low-budget fuckfest to write in their name, "Length, Girth," and email or Myspace address. Don't worry, your friends will respect you in the morning. It's a perfect opportunity for you indie rock kids in "Bushdick" to earn some extra cash between jobs. Click through for a bigger picture, and to read the enticing pitch:

Graydon Carter, the rotund Vanity Fair editor and undersecretary of the celebrity-industrial complex, weighs in on the magazine's controversial Miley Cyrus photos in a video message: "She seems like a girl with a head on her shoulders," he says. Right-o! "But parents, rest easy. We think Cyrus is going to make it through adolescence. And this issue." [VF]

Rich Jernstedt, the chief marketing officer of the massive PR firm Fleishman-Hillard, emails us to explain why, exactly, someone at his firm had the bright idea of mocking Fox News as a nasty, bedbug-infested den of disease, and offering Fox guests a free de-lousing in order to get publicity for a pest control client. Rich, Rich, you don't understand: we're with you on this one. Fox News is a nasty, bedbug-infested den of disease. And we like to see a PR firm uncharacteristically attack a powerful media outlet. We're hoping for a full-on war here! But, reading between the lines of Rich's email, it sounds like Fleishman has done some serious groveling since its CEO got mocked by Fox on-air in retaliation last week. His full email about "our friends at FOX," below:

Overseas outsourcing of newspaper jobs started years ago as a slow trickle, mostly from IT departments and the like. As the financial prospects of the newspaper industry have declined, outsourcing has come to be viewed as more of a necessity. Even news jobs have been sent to India, although that is still a relative rarity. More common—and more threatening, if you happen to be a US newspaper employee—is the large-scale outsourcing of advertising department work. People in India can assemble newspaper ads just as well as people here, and "many sources agreed that a back-of-the-envelope calculation shows that metro newspapers can realize a savings of about $500,000 a year when ad production work is offshored."

A crazy man may be videotaping YOUR crotch. And putting the footage on the internet for all to see! The Post, in what is (trend alert) almost surely another story developed solely by poking around on YouTube, alerts the city to a man known only as "househead7d5." He enjoys taping men's crotches—at a phone booth, on the bus, on the subway—and posting the videos online, with clever comments like, "guy on the phone showin a little......gay sweatpants bulge phonebooth NYC," or, even creepier, "I love it when they fall asleep! not the biggest basket but he was a cutie pie nonetheless!" So who is this penis-peering multimedia madman? After the jump, we will investigate!

"Jack Flack" at Portfolio.com is one of a small handful of bloggers who writes things that are interesting and intelligent about corporate PR. One of his trademark constructions is "Parsing XYZ," where he takes some statement or speech or press release full of corporate doublespeak and decodes it. I identify him so closely with that stuff that I even gave him credit the last time I used the word "Parsing!" But not so for the Wall Street Journal, which ran a column last weekend with a premise virtually identical [see update also, below] to an earlier Jack Flack column:

Optimum Online commercials: they are now their own genre. A specific category at the Grammy Awards, a spot in the Olympic Games, and a bust on Mount Rushmore are reserved specifically for the psychedelic, grating ads that this strange company produces. The original "Reggaeton-Jet Ski-Lifeguard" spot was an over-the-top classic after only 17,000 exposures per person in the Tristate area; the follow up spot, all shiny, kinetic, and Hype Williams-esque, expanded the motif. Now there's a new one in circulation, and it shifts the setting to suburbia, with a sort of knockoff Gwen Stefani character whirling through a household with backup dancers, and the odd appearance of an old lady who is also a race car driver. Philosophers, break out your thinking caps. The full ad is after the jump.

At long last, the mainstream media stops its glad-handing of Hillary Clinton and pins down her position on the most important issue of our time: Vanity Fair's scandalous Miley Cyrus pictures. Clinton reveals that Cyrus is a "great kid," and vows that this should be a "teachable moment" for parents and children alike. Good work, ET! Then she gets interrogated about her position on Barbara Walters' affairs, her workout routine, and how great her last interview with ET really was. Why the deafening silence on these issues, Obama? Video of the interview is below.

Buzz Bissinger, the excellent sportswriter and blog hater who made himself a very unpopular man very quickly by becoming unhinged and cussing out nice-guy Deadspin editor Will Leitch on TV last week, has had some time to think about what he did. And he's sorry now. First his wife told him he looked bad. Then everybody else did. "I started reading emails sent to me. The majority were predictably vindictive — dickhead, horsefucker, douchebag, windbag, ugly, stupid, etc. But what struck me far more is that many of the emails were smart, not laced with personal invective, and made cogent points about sports blogs and the Internet." He has perhaps now learned a valuable lesson, or three!

Can't get enough photos of your favorite media figures standing around in evening wear? HuffPo's Rachel Sklar has about 3,589 pictures from the National Magazine Awards that she risked life and limb to smuggle out of the heavily guarded event. The world must know the truth! About Jacob Weisberg's tie. [Huffington Post]

• So the ladies from Jezebel stopped by for a party and everyone had a superfun time!

The Economist, the smartest magazine in the world, may not be the smartest magazine in the world any more. Oh, the articles are just fine (we assume. We haven't read it since that free trial subscription ran out). We're basing our judgment on the magazine's new ad campaign. Which is utterly baffling. What, exactly, is the message here? Is the clown-and-stuffed-animal motif too clever for me to comprehend? Quite possible, but the campaign still reeks of a weeded college student breaking into the ad agency one night and replacing the real ads with these. Disturbing. Two full-sized pics of the inexplicable things [via Copyranter], below.

American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even!

"Burglary Suspect Is Killed With His Own Gun, Police Say": "The man was apparently holding a gun that was encased inside a dark sock, and it discharged as police officers were wrestling with him in a small room on the rooftop of a building." Well, that's good enough for me. On to the next story. [NYS]

David Rothkopf, a highly educated scholar at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, penned an explosive op-ed for the Washington Post that could upend the global power structure and spark revolution across the earth. Because it seems that our world—far from being one in which each of the 6 billion humans shares in an equal portion of the political, economic, and cultural power, as you had believed—is actually run by a "superclass" of people who control everything. Rothkopf reports, in direct contradiction to everything that your third grade social studies teacher promised you, that very powerful people are, in fact, very powerful. Bummer!