Computer illiterate masturbators of the world, take heed: your 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover girl is Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend Bar Refaeli. Allegedly.

US Newspapers laid off 9% of their workers last year.

Barack Obama is going to cost the TV networks literally millions of dollars, because he has to appear on prime time TV three times this month to sell his stimulus bill that no one likes.

In your temperate Monday media column: How ABC landed the octuplet-grandma "scoop," yet another plan to save the NYT, journalism lives(?), and a magazine dies (no question):

Isn't it a hoot—an ironic hoot—that Obama press secretary Robert Gibbs has a combatative relationship with the press, even though as we all know the press are all liberals who worship Obama? This is what Gibbs said about the cable news, today:

President Barack Obama says he wants to save the economy, but all he does is give speeches and talk to fancy economists. Meanwhile, Michelle Obama is actually saving the economy, by shopping at Pottery Barn!

Page Six Magazine is folding, but not before they stroke the egos of anyone who could maybe give them a job with this here list of NYC's 50 Hottest Bachelors. Five problematic entries:

• Magazine newsstand sales tumbled during the second half of 2008. [NYT]
• The Grammys were seen by an estimated 19.1 million people last night. [AP]
• The Times reports on the Times's recent troubles, conveniently concluding the paper's "positioned itself well to ride out another year of recession." [NYT]
• Steve Brill has a few thoughts on how the Times can save itself. [Poynter]
• Not surprisingly, SI is milking every last dollar out if its swimsuit issue. [WSJ]
• Following the news last week that Universal and DreamWorks were parting ways, Disney announced today it would distribute DreamWorks's films. [THR]
• Jim Cramer's ratings are up; his stock picks are as lousy as ever. [Barron's]
• A Queens hairstylist is suing the Daily News after the paper accidentally identified her as "Manhattan Madam" Kristin Davis. Twice. [Regret the Error]

Did you know that financier Steven Rattner's wife Maureen White, the former national finance chair of the Democratic Party, had a hilarious drunk driving arrest last October? Nope, because no one reported on it!

Another day, another reason for the simmering rage of the proletariat to explode in revolutionary anger against the rich! Even more rich, rich Wall Street bastards have pulled shady real estate stunts. The rage; it burns!

Are you an American Jew considering a move to Israel? Good for you! Hope you haven't ever blogged any mild criticisms of Israeli policy, though!

Newsweek, which traditionally (dentist's office joke), has for the first time ever correctly identified an overarching trend in American society and formulated a reasonable response, unaccompanied by any special "The Historical Jesus" stories!

Today the NYT takes a crack at reporting on its own finances. But an editor accidentally titles it "Resilient Strategy for Times Despite Toll of a Recession," rather than "A Laundry List of Horrible Mistakes":

In your finally Friday media column: TV Guide wants ads on its cover, Journalism students wake up, Twitter has awards, and old folks will soon be (more) confused:

According to a new survey by MediaFinder, 525 magazines went out of business in 2008. Happy Friday. [Crain's]

Oh lord oh lord, the trend pieces about Facebook's '25 random things' lists are spreading even faster than the freaking lists themselves. They are the kudzu of the media world! Yesterday was only the beginning:

Matthew Freud—Sigmund's great grandson—is a London PR big shot who married Elisabeth Murdoch, Rupert's daughter. A memo floating around today about his New York office has people asking: What does it mean?

The Fairness Doctrine is not coming back, except as a boogieman spectre for Republicans to get riled up about and tone-deaf Dems to occasionally mention to give those Republicans material.

Most popular story on Marketwatch right now: Why it's a bad idea to buy a home. #2 story: Why it's a good idea to buy a home. Written by: the same reporter. Americans: suckers.

Six hundred thousand people lost their jobs last month. Our economy faces this pressing question: "I wonder if rich people could live on only $500,000 a year?"