2009 is a terrible time to be young, if you're the type of young person who wants a job in the media, as opposed to the drug distribution industry. The "entry level" is...closed.

These are difficult times for Condé Nast. AdAge reported yesterday the publishing giant is planning to slash the ad sales group managed by Richard Beckman; today, Keith Kelly of the Post reports some of the company's flagship titles have seen a 30 to 40 percent decline in revenues, and the company has "taken a dagger to its corporate pension plan" in order to reduce costs. Meanwhile, the Observer's John Koblin reports chairman Si Newhouse and CEO Chuck Townsend have asked editors to trim their discretionary budgets (which includes items like messengers, first-class airfare, and car services), and says a broader round of job cuts is inevitable. Of course, it's hard for any editor to trim his or her own staff—and it can be difficult for top execs to take a step back and see the absurd spending when they're so close to it.

All Americans are currently home sharpening their hatchets, consumed by burning class rage, thinking of how they can't wait to gut those AIG bonus bastards like a fish. And now we know some names!

Only a few things will make a chatty entrepreneur stop talking about their next big idea: a lawsuit, an IPO, or a magazine cover story. The last explains Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes's recent quiet period.

"Okay, brainstorm: It's a recession. You've lost your job. What do you do with your time?" (Silence). "Volunteer?" "Good, write it up!" That's how your new most popular recession angle gets made!

Some 'What Will Become of Newspapers?' thinkers believe that the iTunes model is the future of the news business. Well, with one software upgrade, paid news is now an iPhone app! Will this matter?

In your socialist Tuesday media column: Nancy Pelosi helps newspapers (symbolically), Courtney Friel says "OMG," rumors of cheapskatism at Interview, and naptime for Jim Kelly:

Conde Nast could really use some good news. Instead, today's news is that the company is planning cuts in its media group, which handles its biggest advertisers and marketers. That's even worse than it sounds.

British former reality TV star and current terminal cancer patient Jade Goody is a national obsession. She will die soon. But not soon enough for OK! magazine.

• Jon Stewart's smackdown of Jim Cramer last week generated some of the biggest ratings The Daily Show has ever seen, not surprisingly. [MediaPost]
• Portfolio editor Joanne Lipman has once again defied logic (and some of her Condé colleagues) by putting Sarah Palin on the cover of the new issue. [WWD]
• Condé Nast is expected to trim Richard Beckman's ad sales group. [AdAge]
• Liberal activists have launched a petition drive targeted at CNBC. [AP]
• ICM's Esther Newberg has sold a memoir by Paul Allen to Penguin. [Crains]
• More on Eric Siminoff's split from Lynn Nesbit and Mort Janklow. [NYO]
• Mel Karmazin sounds off on his fight to redeem Sirius and his rep. [Fortune]
• Ratings for Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice continue to slide. [AdAge]
• 60 Minutes is the "hottest show on TV." Who knew? [Newsweek]

Are you aware that there is a secret "listserv" populated by Washington's most self-important journalists, where they conspire on how to control the world via their influential ramblings? This thing is big! And secret!

The mantra of modern lying news executives these days is "Doing more with less." Sure, we have fewer people and pages and dollars, but we'll do more with less! Time for a new motto.

In your aspirational Monday media column: Jimmy Cayne's a rat bastard, Scottie McClellan spawns, Liz Smith groks the email, and newspapers do various sad things:

In a move that surprises no one, Hearst finally announced today that the Seattle P-I will stop printing tomorrow. What took so long?

The Kardashians are an entire family of national fameballs—Julia Allison can only dream of achieving their ubiquitous inanity. And America may have a new book from them to look forward to, a tipster says!

St. Patrick's day is coming up, and you know what that means: time for New York Post media columnist Keith Kelly's annual "Kelly Gang" dinner event! Famous Irish types, attend or else.

• Yet one more newspaper is folding. Hearst's Seattle Post-Intelligencer will shut down its print operations tomorrow, but its website will live on. [Seattle PI]
• The Sci Fi Channel is changing its name. To Syfy. This is not a joke. [NYT]
• CNN says it plans to "devote the bulk of its news effort this week" to covering the global financial meltdown. How timely! [NYT]
• Are CNN anchors Kyra Phillips and John Roberts secretly dating? [NYM]
• Book sales in the U.S. are down slightly, but they're up in Europe. [NYT]
• Andy Samberg will host the 2009 MTV Movie Awards. [THR]
• Barack Obama will appear on The Tonight Show on Thursday. [The Caucus]
• More on last week's management shakeup at Fox. [Variety]
• Sopranos creator David Chase is back at HBO with a new mini-series. [AB]
• Race to Witch Mountain was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [AP]

Singapore's wacky totalitarian repression just won't quit! The country's attorney general is charging an editor at the WSJ's editorial page with contempt for "impugning the integrity" of the courts. Also illegal in Singapore: irony. [WSJ]

Confused, misdirected populist rage threatens Obama from all sides! And there's really nothing he can do! Well, there's one thing he could do.

Andrea Peyser cannot conceal her throbbing sexuality for even the length of a single column. Nor would we ask her to! Her sourpuss writing fairly drips with (unfulfilled?) kink. Today: rock-hard prison sex!