Barack Obama will "write" a Newsweek cover story on Haiti. That is stupid.

The two biggest stories of the week — the Haiti earthquake and Google's battle with China — are both developed by all the papers. Except, of course, the New York Post.

Fallen NY1 anchor Dominic Carter has been sentenced to 30 days in jail for beating his wife. He and his wife also got special little presents from the judge, an insane person.

• Is NBC close to resolving the mammoth mess it has on its hands? TMZ reports the network has reached a deal with Conan O'Brien (in which he'll leave NBC with some amount of money, and Leno, in turn, will take over The Tonight Show). Others, however, say the negotiations continue and NBC chief Jeff Zucker's been playing hardball with O'Brien. So who knows. Fortunately, Conan has lots of exciting options to consider when he finally walks out the door.
• Related: NBC announced its new, post-Leno primetime lineup today. [NYT]
• George Clooney will host a live telethon on Jan. 22 to benefit earthquake victims in Haiti. ABC, NBC, MTV, HBO and CNN will all broadcast it. [EW]
• Why isn't Fox News covering the tragedy in Haiti? Because rehashing faux controversies involving President Obama always comes first, duh. [MM]
• Avatar could top Titanic and become the top-grossing movie in history this weekend. In related news, it seems the Avatar backlash is in full swing.
• Robert Pattinson won't be Tobey Maguire's replacement in Spider-Man. [E!]
• American Idol creator Simon Fuller is starting up a new company. [LAT]
• Editor & Publisher is back in business under new ownership. [E&P]
• Is the ratings dry spell at MTV almost over? MTV execs hope so! [LAT]
• The cleanest and dirtiest cafeterias in the media industry. [DF]

In your tricky Thursday media column: the NYT is now a cheap-ass school, media cafeterias rated, the PR industry thrives, another newspaper company goes bankrupt, and News Corp fully supports toadlike fascist Roger Ailes.

Nik Deogun, formerly the deputy managing editor of the Wall Street Journal under Robert Thomson, is leaving for CNBC. Click through for Deogun's farewell email to friends, AND the moving lyrics to his send-off songs, from the "WSJ band!"

Andy Rooney: "I think I'll know when I can't do this anymore. I think I'd quit before anyone tells me to." Later: "Sunday's essay is about the weather." [USAT]

Former NY1 political anchor Dominic Carter is scheduled to be sentenced today for his conviction for assaulting his wife last November. Oh and also, he's been formally canned by NY1. Take heart, Dominic; TV is a rogue's haven. [NYP]

Now journalists have their feet on the ground in Haiti we get heartbreaking coverage. It's the photographers who really shine on today's front pages, with some incredible images of dust, destruction and death.

• Sick of the Leno-Conan saga yet? Conan is still negotiating an exit from NBC (and will probably continue ripping the network to shreds on his show until a deal is done). And now there's a rumor that Jay Leno may bolt from NBC as well, since "it looks like he is the reason that Conan is now without a job." The good news for everyone involved? All that drama has been great for ratings.
• The fact it was NBC chief Jeff Zucker who greenlit The Biggest Loser a few years back? Judging by the coverage today, it's looking increasingly likely that those three words haunt him forever/serve as his career epitaph. [NYT, NYP]
• Roger Ailes isn't leaving Fox News, says News Corp. prez Chase Carey. [LAT]
• CBS Early Show news anchor Russ Mitchell is leaving the program. [NYT]
• Last night's season premiere of American Idol reeled in 30 mil. people. [LAT]
• Sarah Palin's debut on Fox News last night scored big ratings, too. [HP]
• Did you hear Vogue staffers have to take the subway from now on due to cost cuts? Needless to say, Anna Wintour is exempt from this sort of insanity. [P6]
• Not too many Condé Nast employees were sad to see Richard Beckman leave the company. And there's no word yet on who will replace him. [NYO, NYP]
• Ben Silverman, the second-worst executive in the history of NBC (see above), but who got lucky and was canned just in the nick of time, is engaged. [P6]
• Project Runway returns to the air—and NYC—tomorrow night. [NYDN]

In your deathly Wednesday media column: magazines set to perish in 2013, Jon Landman defended, Ted Koppel treated like a common whore, and Variety for sale, cheap!

Conde Nast is offering $10,000 each quarter for the employee who offers the best idea for improving the company. Do not be suckered in, Nasties! Do you trust the company to protect you? Instead, post your honest ideas here.

Former NYT managing editor Gerald Boyd lost his job after the Jayson Blair scandal, which could be interpreted either as just desserts for snoozing while Blair fucked up the paper, or as an unjustified bit of scapegoating—made worse by the fact that Boyd was black, and the NYT wasn't exactly swarming with minority execs at the time (or ever!).

The Haiti earthquake dominates the front pages — it's too chaotic to say precisely how many were killed or injured, but it's not looking good. The Post, meanwhile, splashes on a bad op-ed about Obama. What else would they do?

• More on the epic mess at NBC: Conan O'Brien's manager says the late-night host's missive earlier today "came from the heart" and wasn't a negotiating ploy; TMZ reports that Conan is close to signing a deal with Fox; the public is siding with O'Brien over Leno; Letterman is taking lots of pleasure in the drama, naturally; and as for NBC chief Jeff Zucker, the man responsible for creating this disaster, this latest chapter may (finally!) be his undoing.
• Sarah Palin showed up for her first day at Fox News today. [AP, NYT]
• Is Rupert Murdoch about to kick Fox News CEO Roger Ailes to the curb? Some people seem to think so, although it's probably pretty unlikely. [NYM]
• Longtime Condé Nast exec Richard Beckman is leaving the publishing giant to become the CEO of e3 Global Media, the company that is now in control of The Hollywood Reporter, Billboard, AdAge and others. [NYP, NYT]
• Remember that breach-of-contract lawsuit against CBS that Dan Rather lost last fall? His motion to appeal the decision has ended in defeat, too. [AP]
• ABC is bringing back Cougar Town, The Middle and Modern Family for second seasons. No word on the fate of Conveyor Belt of Love, alas. [LAT]
• Who will replace Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 4? Take your pick! [LAT]
• Google may close its China operations over freedom of speech issues. [PC]
• "Just how bad was 2009 for magazines?" Pretty bad. [NYT]

In your smiley Tuesday media column: newspapers only sell online subscriptions to lone nuts, Dan Rather loses on appeal, a headline is debated, and Paste magazine lives.

Sarah Palin's debut as Fox celebupunditician? Tonight's O'Reilly Factor. Bill will be very nice to her and make her comfortable, and it will probably not be that embarrassing. But on the other hand, the gal doesn't really do live TV.

NBC's late-night mess just got a little messier. Conan O'Brien says he is not willing to bump his show to 12:05am, since doing so "will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting." But he isn't necessarily leaving NBC and says he hasn't received an offer to go elsewhere. Your move, Zucker. [NYT]

Because we grew up reading newspapers, we take a look at what they print each day. Today: Florida is cold. Bankers are rich, want to be richer, Rupert Murdoch's television division continues to be the top story for Murdoch's tabloid.