Every week, and now sometimes every day, we single especially funny commenters out and stroke them until they're gratified.

"Stab victim 'continued masturbating'" [The Age]

We suppose that some people (people who are old enough to remember when the "Brat Pack" literary celebrities were scandal-plagued men about town, not dads with faces like fine Italian leather, aka not us) might think the meat of this Radar EXCLUSIVE!! is Jay McInerney's confession that he found a dude-dude-lady sex scene in pal Bret Easton Ellis's Glamorama hot. But apparently, in the same Playboy article, The Devil Wears Prada and Some Other Book No One Bought author Lauren Weisberger admits that her favorite literary sex scene is in Forever by Judy Blume. Okay, Judy writes some tawdry-hot sex scenes, we must admit. But, like, didn't Lauren Weisberger go to college and have to take the graduation-requirement erotica seminar and write a 50 page research paper on The Story of O, or was that just us? Okay, it was just us.

Jay Goes Gay For Bret Easton Ellis [RadarOnline]

A reader sends us saddening news: someone out there is even more dangerously obsessed with AC than we are. She's an enterprising Quebecoise named Robin, and she even has a blog devoted to the man she calls "Anderfox." So there probably wasn't a dry panty within miles of Degrassiland last night when the pumpkin she carved, which features an apparently limbless (but still like sooo hot!) Cooper, made it onto 360.

In case you've ever considered allowing any sort of production to use your residence as a set, here's a story: Adam and Leah, a couple in Brooklyn Heights, allowed Martin Scorcese and company to occupy their ground-level apartment in a brownstone for a scene in the altogether-awesome The Departed. Their place was used as the apartment of the love interest, which gave Adam and Leah the enviable distinction of having had Leonardo DiCaprio dry hump on their property. On the downside: Adam's collection of vintage magazines had been tampered with, and his 1972 issue of Playboy went missing. The couple eventually found the mag...under the bathroom sink. You can hope all you want that it was Leo "borrowing" that Playboy, but you just know it was the pimple-faced lighting assistant who rubbed one out.

Perhaps Mark Foley should have been paying more attention to the advice doled out in local races; specifically the Assembly race in Queens. That's where Chris Migliaccio, the Conservative/ Republican hopeful for the seat, has taken the somewhat unusual position of advocating that masturbation "be part of the sex-education curriculum" because "you are less aggressive when you masturbate on some sort of regular basis ."

We know all you swinging sophisticates out there like to hit the bars, guzzle down a handful of martinis, and think about pushing that sexual envelope with your significant other. But you're smart, you know it's a dangerous world out there, and you want to be safe. I mean for godsakes even Gwyneth is an African with AIDS. Well fear not my promiscuous playmates, today's New York Times Style section provides the solution: the m nage laptop. Unfortunately, once digging in we couldn't help but be confused by the mixed messages from the various quotable couples. For example, Ms. Choi, a computer interface designer says:

Playboy. In Braille. [Banterist]

No? No watch free? Oh, CNN, how you toy with us.