This year's Celebelection™ cycle reached its otherworldly apex over the weekend when hard-hitting Extra pundit Mario Lopez grilled Barack Obama for his takes on the senator's ailing grandmother (hint: sad) and the tragedy afflicting Jennifer Hudson's family (hint: still sad). Clearly there's something missing from the clip passed along to us — perhaps Obama's official reaction to John McCain's post-debate grabassery, or more important yet, his take on the diplomatic crisis befalling The View — but with any luck, Lopez's searing third-degree will be restored in time for the show's broadcast tonight. An entertained America is an educated America. [Extra]

We figured the growing on-air hostility between Republican whistle-siren Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the more moderate panelists on The View would eventually erupt into something appropriately spectacular—and it did, with multiple accounts sent to us of a Joy Behar/Elisabeth Hasselbeck backstage Catfight of the Century. Word of the smackdown, full of detonated F-bombs and wishes of co-host conflagration, quickly made the media rounds, such as the clip above from last night's ExtraIn it, quadruple threat host Mario Lopez—he acts, dances, crunches, and reads showbiz news copy!—capably sums up not just our report, but The View's ensuing damage control campaign. Not only did Whoopi hit the Regis high-chair, but she also reassured GMA's Diane Sawyer that no one's life is in immediate danger—in fact, they all love each other! Yes, yes, we're sure that's all true, ladies, but can we suggest bringing back that effective split-screen technique that hastened Rosie O'Donnell's departure? You're really losing half the fun if the camera misses Joy silently mouthing, "IwillburnyoudownIwillburnyoudown" while Elisabeth defends her theories that a 19-year-old Barack Obama was the one who gave John Hinckley, Jr. his Reagan-shooting marching orders. [Extra] Previously:

Gwyneth Paltrow arriving at JFK with her kids, Apple and Moses ... Michelle Williams getting coffee in Brooklyn with daughter Matilda ... Jessica Szohr eating on the set of Gossip Girl in Astoria ... Katie Holmes carrying Suri in Central Park ... Selena Gomez talking to fans outside CBS studios in Midtown ... Sarah Jessica Parker and son James leaving their West Village townhouse ... Mario Lopez bowling ... Liza Minnelli rehearsing for her upcoming show at a studio in Chelsea ... and Kate Bosworth leaving the Beatrice Inn.

After a couple of stellar installments spotlighting Kim Kardashian's bad driving and Ryan Gosling's puke aversions, we've been experiencing a bit of a drought on the PrivacyWatch front. And as much as we appreciate this week's contributions — from Sharon Stone's grocery adventures to Nick Nolte's post-traumatic mocha therapy — we have to say: We are thisclose to discontinuing this feature unless we get some motherfucking sightings up on this motherfucking plane. So! For what we hope isn't the last time: Hollywood PrivacyWatch is produced by Defamer readers for Defamer readers, so keep sending us your tips with "PrivacyWatch" "or "sightings" in the subject line. There's no "u" in "surveillance" for nothing. Meanwhile, in addition to Ms. Stone and Mr. Nolte, this installment includes Miley Cyrus, Elijah Wood, Jerry O' Connell, Mario Lopez, Tom Cavanagh, Hank Azaria, Milo Ventimiglia, Joel Madden, and more. Onward!Thursday, Oct. 9 · Rock N' Roll Ralphs on the late night. A sour-faced MILO VENTIMIGLIA enters looking ever the dick in a white shirt and black slacks. This guy is miniscule. I don't know if that's why he was pissed off or what. Maybe his First Communion rehearsal didn't go so well. Wednesday, Oct. 8 · This was taken today, the day after his fire, NICK NOLTE at Starbucks in malibu. Looking actually in very good spirits. he was with the guy in the tank top.

Lift up your beer and make a toast: Mr. Mario Lopez is 35 today. Others celebrating on this Friday: Jets quarterback Brett Favre is 39. At the New York Times, Stefano Tonchi is 49 and Adam Nagourney is 54. Socialite Celerie Kemble turns 35. Artist Banks Violette turns 35. Cornell's Antonio Gotto Jr. is 73. Paper's Mickey Boardman is 42. And David Lee Roth is 54. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

We don't know about you, but were starving. And nothing hits the spot at the end of a grueling week in the mines like a Dirt Sandwich, crafted with loving, homemade goodness by Defamer videographer Molly McAleer. This serving is stacked high with homoeroticism, slathered with Blonsky sauce, dashed with a hint of Sarah Palin and squeezed between two hot slices of Mario Lopez. Garnish with a sprig of Ellen Pompeo/primate-makeout mystery, and serve hot! Now that's living. And because we're generous like that, we'll even share a bite after the jump. Enjoy!

• It looks like Pat O'Brien might be back off the wagon following his email rant about Lara Spencer to the staffs of both The Insider and ET. [R&M, P6]

Though newly minted Extra host Mario Lopez may appear squeaky-clean, longtime readers of Defamer will remember the oh-so-smooth skeleton in his closet: Chesthairgate! Caught in a terrible lie about whether or not he shaves his chest (who can forget the plaintive Star magazine commenter "chris," who said, "He talks about how religious he is, and has such a strong faith. Excuse me...since when is not being honest ok?"), Lopez suddenly found his most valuable physical asset the object of intense scrutiny. Now, as he ascends to the position of respected celebutainment anchorman, a cruel Lopez is threatening to take his smooth, smooth toys and go home:

Here's some news that will brighten your day and distract from all that talk about how great or not-so-great Sarah Palin's speech was last night: Mario Lopez has been earned the coveted "2008 Male Celebrity Smile of the Year" award from Dear Doctor: Dentistry & Oral Health magazine. [BWE]

Recently exiled Extra host Mark McGrath announced his plans to get revenge on Mario Lopez, the newly minted host of the show he recently vacated. McGrath got the idea when he left the popular watering hole, Crown Bar, and saw a giant sign for acting lessons. McGrath said, "If he's going to steal my hosting gigs, then I'm going to steal his acting gigs. So, get ready to see my lovely face all over Lifetime. I'm going to be your worst nightmare. I'm going to be your own personal Nedick."

Mario Lopez, the dimple-cheeked actor who first rose to prominence playing the deeply conflicted Albert Clifford 'A.C.' Slater on the Chekhovian scholastics drama Saved by the Bell, has been announced as the new host of Extra. As we mentioned yesterday, ratings were declining steadily for the syndicated celebrity newsbite service; Warner Bros. was therefore looking to drop its current hosts (Mark McGrath, former lead singer of the Afro-Caribbean-flavored pop outfit Sugar Ray, and Dayna Devon, who apparently is not Nancy O'Dell) in favor of something fresher, absier, and more Eva Longoria-accessible. Weekend co-host Lopez fit that bill: "'He will be a fresh and dynamic presence, and we can't wait for him to assume his new role,' said senior exec producer Lisa Gregorish-Dempsey." Look for new features like the VitaminWater presents Extra's Live! From the DKNY Beach House!, and the Mario Lopez's Knockout Fitness Gym Couture Fashion Report.

• Kyle MacLachlan and Desiree Gruber are officially parents. The Desperate Housewives actor and Project Runway executive producer had a son named Callum Lyon MacLachlan on Friday. [Us]

For a guy who proclaimed back in 1999 that he only had one second of his fifteen minutes of fame left, Mark McGrath has proven to be a resilient feature on the entertainment circuit (and our weekly Dirt Sandwich) for well over a decade now. Sadly, though, it looks as if that streak may be coming to a close. Today's New York Post reports that the brass at celebrity infotainment staple Extra are looking to salvage the ratings-challenged show by axing both McGrath and his comely blonde co-host, Dayna Devon. Reports have these roles possibly being filled by Bayside High's most successful alum, secret chest shaver Mario Lopez. [NY Post]

Jay-Z chatting on his phone while getting into a car outside his Tribeca building ... Ethan Hawke and Ryan Shawnhughes pushing their newborn, Clementine, through the Village ... Sheryl Crow playing with son Wyatt on a downtown sidewalk ... Mario Lopez hailing a cab in Chelsea ... Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky on the set of a Vogue photo shoot in the East Village ... Jessica Simpson shopping at Bergdorf Goodman ... Blake Lively and Leighton Meester shooting scenes for Gossip Girl in Brooklyn ... Keri Russell taking a stroll through SoHo ... Kirsten Dunst and Agyness Deyn at a concert at McCarren Park Pool ... Sam and Charlotte Ronson leaving the Bowery Hotel with Lindsay, Dina and Ali Lohan.

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."

• Ashley Dupre's reps, who have been negotiating deals on her behalf, say she's interested in "journalism and lounge singing," and that she "sees herself as a kind of Dr. Phil." Appropriately, the $2 million TV offer she's considering would team her up with the producer to reunited Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher. [NYP]

In the annals of celebrity scandal, the question of whether a Saved By the Bell co-star fibbed about his chest hair would surely rank below most — but not to the aggrieved, vigilant readers of Star magazine. After Mario Lopez gave an interview with People where he testified — under oath, no doubt — that he has never had to manscape, Star dug out old photos of the Dancing with the Stars alum that tell a different tale. What started as an eagle-eyed catch by connoisseurs of celebrity skin quickly became full-on outrage as fans of Lopez flocked to the forum to castigate their former idol. Said Star:

After seeing actor and Dancing With the Stars champion Mario Lopez's current shirtless TV Guide cover (at left) and recent People magazine spread, we couldn't help but wonder: just how shirtless is Mario Lopez? We decided we'd compare him to other popular be-pec'ed celebrities — perpetually half-nude actor Matthew McConaughey and dancer/romancer Justin Timberlake, for example — by having our esteemed assistant Nicola conduct a Google image search in the hopes of attaining some sort of shirtlessness ratio. Our results proved our suspicions: 13 of the top 20 results for a Google image search for Lopez's name come up with shirtless pics— or 65%. Thus making Mario Lopez the Most Shirtless Man in America. Consult the above Shirtlessness Index to see how other abdominal Adonises measure up to Mr. Lopez, plus find some special shirtless surprises after the jump.

At this point we’re far more informed than we’d like to be when it comes to all the freaky diet methods celebrities use to shed pounds and pull off that whole homeless glam look Colin Farrell’s currently sporting. But while A-listers tend to either keep mum on the subject (like Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger) or blab endlessly about being “obsessed with potato chips!” and eating “fried food every day!” (Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angelina Jolie), the press-hungry lesser-knowns have yet to learn the rules. In the upcoming issue of TV Guide, ten small-screen stars commit major overshares about how their body obsession is weighing on their mindgrapes. Find out who dropped major pounds just because TMZ published pictures of her “very, very soft” stomach, who only vacuums in heels to tone her calves, and which former “fat baby” admits to working out for over an hour every day, after the jump.

· Wow—the backdoor compliments were really flying when Jane Krakowski took Letterman's couch last night, but luckily most of them flew over the talk show host's head. [Late Show]
· Behold: Today's unveiling of the massive Dave Beckham underwear ad on a San Francisco Macy's. If you think those bloodcurdling sounds at the beginning are bad, just wait until his Volkswagen-sized package is revealed. [YouTube]
· Speaking of which, we hear Will Smith has a similarly proportioned super-endowment in his new movie. [thelondonpaper.com]
· Robert Davis of Paste magazine and Sue Pierman of The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel are about to become the laughingstock of the terrible-Mike-Myers-movie-critiquing field. [Rotten Tomatoes]
·And finally: What the fuck is Mario Lopez's problem? No—like seriously. What is up with this dude? [Just Jared]